Dan and I were talking about our relationship last night, idly, as we watched TV and then sat in the hot tub for awhile. About how amazed we are to find ourselves here.
I mean, seriously, how nice is it to have a man who tells me that he not only loves me, but he likes me. He really likes having me around, and likes it more all the time? He said he liked having me here to watch the fight with him and his brother, even though I didn’t really watch it.
I feel the same way about him. I love being with him. We thoroughly enjoy each other’s company. We are together almost 24/7 almost, and it is just easy. We don’t get on each other’s nerves, we don’t crowd each other. It’s just crazy to me, how easy this relationship is. But also….how loving, how caring, how trusting it is. How there’s no drama, no pain.
We began wondering if we would have felt the same if we met 30 years ago. I said I didn’t think so. I was not the same person 30 years ago. Nor was he. But I wonder, would the basics that connect us now have existed then?
I think, for myself, I was not as good a communicator 30 years ago. I was not so in touch with myself. I’ve been working hard, really, since my divorce to understand how I got from there to here. Not sure I was insightful enough then. I didn’t have a set of core beliefs that were unflinching, back then. I don’t think it would have been nearly so easy.
The point is, everything that happens to us brings us to where we are. I think I’ve learned a lot from my past. A lot about myself, my journey in this lifetime. I don’t think any of the past was wasted. I also think that it’s made me someone who Dan could love now. (I believe the reverse is true of him, but I am not going to speak for him.) I would guess that our egos might have gotten in the way 30 years ago. I think now…..we both check our egos, and allow our intuition and hearts to lead the way. I think we’ve both learned from our past, and don’t want history to repeat itself.
Not that we don’t disagree on things, on perceptions. We do. But then, we allow each other to have our own beliefs. We respect each others opinions, and perceptions. And in fact, love each other because we each have core beliefs that don’t change. We both know who we are, and are willing to make ourselves vulnerable to the other. We’re willing to take that chance, and we both know the other will treasure that in each other.
It’s all wonderful. After having a painful abusive marriage, in which my ex tried to manipulate and control my every move, hoping to “groom” me into his idea of a perfect woman, and after a ridiculously bad relationship that was full of drama, and lacked anything substantial, it is amazing to me that I was given this chance to know what love really is. I used to say, when I was going through my divorce, that I prayed that I would know the love of a good man before I die. I knew then, that I had been mistaking the absence of pain on a short term basis, for happiness. Now…..happiness is something that I feel almost all the time. I never have to ask myself if this is real. I know it is.
I do, finally, know that love of a good man. I am wrapped in it. I am blessed by it. I will never know if it would have worked 30 years ago, but it works now. For that I am utterly grateful.
Amazing grace, isn’t it? Love and light.