I”m sitting in my friend’s kitchen, alone, having coffee and reflecting on the journey of the last few days. It’s the first time I’ve had time to try to absorb it. This is really stream of consciousness, because that’s how it has to be today.

I won’t write too much about the service for my friend’s son yesterday. Too many tears fell, too many hearts broken. Too many quiet whispers of “I’m so sorry.” “Stay strong” “He’s at peace now” “He was such a good, smart, funny kid.”

Too much to bear really.

Grateful that I have come to a place to know he’s done fighting that cruel demon.

Grateful that I was of some comfort to his family.

Grateful for that adorable 1 year old child he left behind.

Grateful for the strong group of friends I have that are family to me.

Grateful for the man in my life who has helped me stay strong.

We all came, about 50 people, to the friend’s house where I’m staying after the service. She is practiced at large crowds at her house, and needed to be busy and contributing. I was glad to be there to help her and her husband put the food together, etc. People brought lots of food, there is a huge amount left over in the fridge this morning.

Friends came to the house, from the past, friends I had not seen in a few years. Friends who were at one time close. I hugged them tightly, I vow to stay in touch with them more. At times like this, you realize how important people can be. Our shared experiences negate the time we have been apart. Some of them stayed, late into the evening, until all of us were about to collapse. Most of them, including the friends who are putting me up, had to go to work today. I am so glad I do not.

There were 3 babies there. A one year old, a 3 month old, and a tiny 3 week old, all family members children. Such a beautiful reminder of the circle of life. Reached into everyone’s heart and pulled out a smile.

I am hoping and praying that my friends, his parents, got some sleep last night, and his brother and sister.

I am missing Dan a lot this morning. He has a way of lightening up my soul, while taking nothing from the pain that has to be worked through. I’ve never known anyone so self-aware, and sensitive to others. He has his own pain over this, and he’s here with us, even though he’s in Florida. I miss his arms wrapped tightly around me, but his love and strength cross the miles as if they didn’t exist.

It’s time to begin to move beyond the pain now. It won’t be done easily, but it will be done. I hope I can help the family I have here to do this. I know they help me. It’s good to be with people who just allow you, encourage you, to be however you are at the moment. Everyone knows that it’s a tragedy, one of those things that’s just wrong. No one should bury their child. We all ride the roller-coaster of emotions.

Onward. Forward movement is the only option.  We have to move through the highs and lows in our own way.

Love and light, truly, to all.