I guess my cough is slowly improving. Still there, still very annoying at times. I’m getting down to the last ¼ of my 3rd bottle of cough syrup. And am halfway through the 3rd box of Mucinex. I am considering going back to the dr, two weeks later, but since I’ve already had the antibiotics, I am not sure they can do anything for me. I think I just have to wait it out.
I have been alone through this ordeal of sickness. It shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. Dan and I are not together right now. I don’t have any expectation that we will be, but it saddens me. It is not just because I’ve been left to fend for myself. It has been coming on for a long while now, as I’ve watched him withdraw from me, even though he seems to deny it. Or at least, refuse to explain it. There is, was no unfaithfulness involved, just lack of desire. I know this because it’s hard to be unfaithful when you are together 24/7.
But I’m ok. I have learned in my life to accept what is, especially that which I cannot change and I have so tried to change it. But the change is his to make. I think somewhere in his heart, he’d like to but just can’t go there. So, I am back to my writing for the time being, expressing my pain here. Luckily I have an awesome group of friends here, and they keep me busy. I think he will miss being part of this crowd, and though he’s not kicked out of it, I know he won’t allow himself to be part of it if we aren’t together. It’s all his choice. But there’s no way to predict the future, I have told him my door is open if he should find that he’s able to share himself with me. It pains me to see him isolate himself from people who truly like him, truly enjoy his company. I don’t think he wants it, but he’s choosing it.
Enough said. Probably too much. I felt the need to say something, since he’s been front and center in my writing for so long. He probably won’t even find out I wrote this, since he doesn’t read my blog.
Love and light to everyone.