Here I am, once again waiting for sunrise. I woke at 4 AM on the dot. I tried to get back to sleep but to no avail. I finally got up about 5:30, knowing if I wrote out my feelings, I might be able to sort them out. I was thinking about how Dan stopped by yesterday afternoon with some more of my stuff he found. While he was here, and didn’t even come in the house, I asked him for a folding table I knew was in his truck that we use for sound healing to put the bowls and drums on. It apparently upset him, and he started an argument with me when I told him I’d bought it, and I can use it. So, long story short, I am apparently supposed to be happy with all the stuff he bought me, and while I appreciate his gifts, I wasn’t bought, he can’t pay for me, or my love. He buys without any conversation about it, often stuff for my house that I’m not even given an opportunity to give input on, or have expressly asked him not to spend the money on. But I decided long ago, after repeatedly telling him that it makes me uncomfortable, that it’s his money to spend as he sees fit, he’s a grown man and I assume he can manage his own money.
Anyway, it was not a happy conversation.
Immediately after one of my BFF’s from CT Facetimed me, and we talked for about an hour for the first time in a very long time. It felt so good to reconnect with her. She has been there with me through my marriage, divorce, a boyfriend who broke my heart. She was so happy when Dan and I got together, because she and everyone liked him, I was not the only one who fell for his acting ability. But she supported me yesterday, but she told me how proud she was of me, to be accepting of what is, to let go, to set boundaries.
I had to hang up after an hour because I’d made arrangements to meet a couple very close friends at a restaurant to listen to my two more very good friends sing. (We are all part of the same tribe, as we say.) As I was getting ready to go, the woman singing sent me a text to tell me Dan was there. I was happy, and not happy. Because it still hurts me, that he shut me out, but I was happy he was getting out, and not locked in his condo. But as he left, he walked over to the table, came up behind me and apologized for over-reacting. I thanked him, because it was good that he could acknowledge that he’d been such an ass….but really it was so minor in comparison to the reason we are split. I wish he could apologize for that, and at least try to repair that damage. But that’s wishful thinking, and it’s not going to happen. This morning the poignancy of that dichotomy, what he says and what he does, woke me up and is hitting me a little hard.
One of my spirit girls and I had a conversation this week, on FB around a meme about how relationships are not designed to make you happy, but to help you grow. Because I keep saying that I thought I’d learned this lesson, but apparently not. Immediately after that conversation I found an article by a page called “Fractal Enlightenment” which suggested that we keep coming back to the same lessons because our path is not linear but a spiral, and each time we encounter the lesson it’s from a different perspective. Which, I’m pretty much in agreement with. An understanding of this makes the frustration of having yet another failed love affair much easier to take.
If you’d like to read it, here’s the link:
Obviously, I am in a serious place this morning. There are emotions running around in my heart from missing Dan, yet knowing that it would only get worse if I didn’t set boundaries. There is only one way to open a path through them. He knows what it is, he chooses not to take it. I refuse to go back to where we were. As I told another old friend yesterday, I can’t go backward, even though sometimes it’s tempting.
I am ok this morning, just working out this stuff. Hope everyone has a good day. Love and light.