Shining Up A Rusty Filter

Trust….I never used to have trust issues. In fact, I was willing right up front to trust most people, unless I got a really bad vibe upon introduction. I wanted, and still want, to believe that most people will tell you the truth because lies are such a burden.

This has not served me well. I’ve been lied to by the men I’ve loved. Yet, I’ve never thought that I should hold back. I’ve always thought, hey give them a chance, and if they burn you it’s on them. Until now.

I don’t think Dan meant to lie to me, but he was just acting. Acting in an intimate personal relationship is lying. I thought he was honest, I thought I’d finally found someone who would do the right thing, not the easy thing. Someone who could look at themselves honestly. I shake my head and think my middle name should be Pollyanna. I expect that most people will want, and will do, the right thing. It puts me at a disadvantage though. And at this moment, I’m feeling it, and rethinking how trusting I should be.

In the few exchanges I’ve had with Dan since we split, it’s apparent to me that he wants to bury this, like every other emotion he’s ever felt, and pretend it didn’t happen. I won’t try again to talk with him because the last time I insisted on that (because I have to insist, or it won’t happen) he turned it ugly, and there it ended. I am trying hard not to be angry, trying hard to have some compassion for him because he has no idea how to be different, and because he’s basically alone again. But then, that’s what he wanted. That’s the only way he feels comfortable, the only way he doesn’t have to confront himself or be accountable.

Come to think of it, that’s what my ex did. Just isolate himself. But for totally different reasons. Dan was not like my ex, but neither was he the man I believed he was. I thought I could trust him not to ever hurt me, or lie to me. At first, he let me in, but I guess he will only go so deep. Then I began to realize how well he can act. Like his mother always proudly states, “He knows how to act.” Yeah, he is good at fooling people. He liked the fact that many people felt they knew him, but actually didn’t know him at all. The persona he presented to them, and to me, I slowly began to learn, was not really who he was. It is a shame he thinks so little of himself that he feels he can’t let himself be seen.

Now I have trust issues. Big ones. I just want to be alone, in my house, with myself and the things I am passionate about, and just take care of myself. He used to tell me I had too many passions, that I should just pick one. Advice from someone who had absolutely no passions. I ignored the advice. I guess the reason I’m thinking about these things this morning is because I dread that I have to go deal with this boat with him on Thursday. I’ll keep my distance, as much as I can. I will keep the conversation down to a minimum, just what is necessary to deal with the task at hand. I’ll try not to be angry with him, or hurt by him. There won’t be an audience, so I won’t have to watch him act out for them.

Trust, so easily broken. So hard to repair. When someone breaks your trust, you then begin to doubt yourself, wondering why you so readily believed the person. All things I need to work on.

But the sun is shining, it’s going to be fairly warm today. I get to see my sister and brother-in-law for lunch today. Looking forward to that. Life is good on the whole. And someday, I’ll be able to trust again. My filter may be rusty but I’m working on making it shiny again.

Love and light.

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