A Day of Emotional Hills and Valleys

Yesterday was a crazy day, full of hills and valleys emotionally.

In the morning I was messaging my sister about a lunch date I thought we were having yesterday. Turns out I had the day wrong, and it was Thursday. She’s coming to St. Pete for her husband’s dr. visit, so she couldn’t change the day. I had made plans with Dan to deal with the boat on Thursday, so I texted him to change the plans. It shouldn’t have been a big deal, neither of us has a tight schedule.

He chose, though, to start an argument with me about the boat being low priority. Then went on to try to put the blame on me for the predicament of this boat, all the money spent, and time, and what a total waste it was. Of course, I wasn’t having any of that, or at least not more than my share. In my opinion, neither one of us had any idea the cost would be so high to get the boat running, but as the guy who fixed it got into it, he kept finding more and more things wrong with it. I never blamed either of us. Dan, who paid for it, now wants to assign blame to me, whatever.

But he got ugly with me, started personally insulting me. I wasn’t having it, and I got ugly as well, and then asked him if he wanted to keep it up or if he’d had enough. Apparently he hadn’t, because he kept it up. It was so nasty, but I know it was a reflection of how he sees himself, and really had nothing to do with me. Fear projects, love extends, and he was doing a masterful job of projecting. I almost blocked him but didn’t because we need to deal with this stupid boat, so we need to communicate until that is done.

About a half-hour after he stopped arguing and insulting me, he sent me a text saying he was coming down this way and when he was done with what he had to do, he wanted to come over here and take me to bed because he thought it might help with our anger issues. WTF? I mean, really, WTF.? After all the horrible things he said about me, made up about me, he actually thinks (because he pled with me, “please, I’m serious.”) he comes up with that? Take me to bed? I told him to stay away from me in no uncertain terms.

When it was finally over, I was sitting at my kitchen table, shaking my head. Actually feeling sorry for him because he obviously didn’t realize what he was doing during this whole break-up. I heard a knock on the door and jumped up, terrified he had driven down to my house, but he wasn’t there. Instead, my BFF was there, who just stopped by! I was SOOO glad to see her, I told her the universe was taking care of me, having her stop by.

She wasn’t here long, less than an hour. But talking to her always helps. I couldn’t have any wine or anything because I had an appointment at the medical marijuana dr to get my medical card. Pot really helps my insomnia, and the CBD’s really help my joint pain. Other than those 2 things, I don’t use it much. But I’m glad to have it legally, so I don’t have to worry about it ever.

It seems that while Daniel did his best to hurt me, the universe did it’s best to counter that. I probably, in the end, hurt him as much, and for that, I’m sorry, though I made up no lies at least. Sometimes I just can’t take it. One of the reasons I got approved for medical marijuana is that I still have some PTSD from my ex-husband. It’s mostly gone, but some things still trigger me, and Dan did yesterday. Big Time. His judgment is poor, and while he doesn’t lose his temper often, when he does, it’s incredibly ugly. Plus, yesterday, he was a little crazy, which was scary to me, with his let me come take you to bed idea. I’m afraid he’s losing his mind. Hope he can pull himself together. He’s a hot mess.

The day was full of lessons and blessings, and at the end of the day, I was surprisingly calm. Probably from purging things I’d been holding onto with him, but not wanting to say, because I never wanted to hurt him. But maybe he needed to hear them. I’ll never know.

This morning my BFF from CT Facetimed with me for a while, early. She didn’t have to go to work today and saw me on FB. That was really nice to catch up with her. She’s started a Mindfulness practice, teaching others how to be mindful. I’m happy to see her on this path. Another blessing, to have good friends who want to talk to you early in the morning, and not about politics!

Again, I am blessed. The universe is conspiring on my behalf, and doing a wonderful job of it!

Love and light to all.

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