There’s tired. Then there is totally exhausted.

Tired is this: I didn’t sleep well last night. I just walked 2 miles. I just cleaned up the kitchen after making a really nice dinner. I stayed up too late. You get the idea.

Then there Is complete exhaustion, physically, emotionally, mentally. Not spiritually, thank goodness, but this past month has taken its toll. Coming home sick from the cruise from hell. Then the holidays, spent alone and sick. Sick for 3 weeks. Then Dan on his rampage, his burning desire to break-up that he couldn’t do with any decency. I was like a bystander, watching him create chaos, instead of just talking it out. Then a week’s worth of company. Add lots of commitments to friends to attend their events, which I enjoy, but there was so much the week I had so much company. And in between, with any spare time, I’ve been working my butt off at home, doing stuff that has been let go because I was constantly going up to his house half the week. (I can get ignored there as well as my house, I found out.) I’ve been cleaning in the corners, emptying cabinets, rearranging closets, moving furniture, enduring a diatribe by text from Dan yesterday, and finally, getting my lawnmower started and getting the lawn mowed, today.

Tonight I am just worn out. I enjoy being busy, it keeps me from thinking about things I’d rather forget. I don’t know what happened to him, why he couldn’t just leave it be. He orchestrated this break-up….he got what he wanted. But it wears me out. I learned long ago (with my ex-husband) that you can’t make sense out of nonsensical behavior, and I’m not gonna start again trying to do that!

But I am gonna rest. Tomorrow I’m going to lunch with my sister, and spend some time with her. I haven’t in so long. And I miss her. Whatever the reason, I will be glad to reconnect, so to speak. I’m gonna take the day off, from all this crap, and re-energize. And go to open mic tomorrow night and hang with my friends. It’s just what I need.

We all do this to ourselves. Particularly us women, who have raised kids, taken care of the house while we worked full time, did the shopping and the cooking and the laundry. I think we often go until we are ready to drop. If you are lucky, or maybe just wiser and chose a better mate, you had help with some of this. I envy you. I would have liked to have a partner to grow old with, but it’s not in the stars for me.

But this isn’t about whining. It’s a reminder of what I’m capable of. But also, of the friends I do have. Many. My circle of friends has always been there. I have 3 circles, one from school that just visited me. The ones from CT, who stay in close touch with me, and my new circle here in Florida of wonderful people. I was so happy I got the lawnmower started today, I put up a post of FB. So many people commented, I was surprised, happily. That’s the kind of love that energizes a person. Makes you want to do more, learn more, connect more, love more, celebrate living more.

So tonight I’ll sleep, and sleep well. In my cute, quiet little house, in my comfy bed. Alone, and glad of it. Not letting any of the chaos, the monkey mind, in my head. Then go spend the day with people I love. Life is good, and I am blessed.

Love and light.