Trying To Regain My Inner Peace

“Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.”

I was reading a bunch of quotes this morning on peace when I clicked a link on FB to  I don’t know who said this, it wasn’t attributed to anyone.  I guess I was attracted to it because, even though I was relaxed last night, I woke up with dread in my heart, because I am still reeling, deep inside, from the recent actions of Dan. Actions I never thought he was capable of. My peace, my inner peace has been so shaken.

I realized when I read the quote that I have allowed him to disturb my peace. I think my plan for today, to spend time with my sister, and friends will help. I think focusing on my solo sound healing at the beach will be good. Focus on the things that bring me joy, not pain.

Really, it is because we have this boat in my front yard that we need to resolve and get some money back for it. When I add it up, I am aghast at how I let myself be duped into spending that kind of money, money I didn’t have to lose. Not realizing that Dan doesn’t seem to worry about losing money, until it’s too late. He is so financially irresponsible. I was too, in this case. But I thought we were partners for life, and we’d be ok. So naive I was. It’s upsetting me deep in my gut, how I allowed his interests to take precedence over mine.

Never again. Never. Never.

I guess what I have to do now, is first accept what is. I’m not as good at that as I thought I was. I may get a little of the money back, but I’m pretty sure I’ll never make it to Italy. That was the only thing on my bucket list. Not a boat, I did the boat because he wanted it so bad. To think I was considering buying a house with him. Wow, very glad the universe put a halt to that! I can make more money. Maybe it will be the path of the sound healing, Maybe if I begin to actually work at my etsy site for my jewelry ( I can recover some money. Maybe I can get a job somewhere, for 20 hours a week. I’m still capable of working. And what is, is that I may have to do that. I should do all 3.

Here is this morning’s path. I allowed someone to control my emotions, on a much grander scale than I thought. And now I have to become extremely proactive on my own behalf, to deal with this. I have a path, I have abilities, I have ways in which to supplement my income, I just need to do them. I think that when my company is done coming, I am going to focus like a laser beam on these things and get back on my feet. The boat should have been dealt with by then, after which time I’ll have no reason to interact with Dan. I’ll see him at venues we both go to, but I can stay away from him. I thought we’d be friends after it was all over, but I can see that’s not possible. It is what it is. It’s too bad. But I really have other things that are more important to me than spending time trying to heal a rift I didn’t cause. I see now, quite clearly, his stunted emotional status. His shallowness, his self-centeredness. And most of all, his ability to act, and not let anyone see him.  Never get involved with someone who has been alone for more than 30 years.

In my less shaken moments, I just feel sorry for him. He once told me he doesn’t think he’s ever been happy in his life. What a sad sad state. Yesterday at my friend’s meditation, I used the whole time to send him reiki and said the ho’opononpono for him. If I’m a mess from all this, and I am pretty stable, pretty cognizant of who I am, and what I need, and what I believe and can stand up for myself, I can’t imagine where he is. He who hides all his emotions, refuses to look at them, yet, has all kinds of physical ailments because he won’t deal with them.

So I guess I’ll continue to do what I can from afar, but stay away from him and his ultra-negative energy, which is all focused on me at the moment.

I was blindsided by him. But I’m strong. He had me face down in the dirt, but I’m rising strong. No one will ever get me to do their bidding at the expense of my dreams again.

Love and light to all. Even him, who needs it the most.

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