On Not Dying While You Are Still Breathing

Not much going on in this world on an early Monday morning. The Chiefs won the Super Bowl, Trump thinks Kansas City is in Kansas. The impeachment has a few hours before it starts, and it’s basically over anyway thanks to a bunch of gutless, spineless Republicans in the Senate who don’t give a damn about this nation, or the Constitution but that’s not news. It’s an old story which we can only change at the ballot box in November.

I had the Super Bowl on for a bit, maybe up to half-time, while I did other stuff. I tried to catch the commercials, but none of them were really making me laugh, they were just commercials. I watched the half-time show, but it didn’t tickle me either. Watching a couple of middle-aged women who are in great shape shake their asses at the camera just wasn’t my thing. It didn’t help that I don’t really relate to their music either. Miss the old days, with the Rolling Stones and Bruce Springsteen half-time shows. So in the middle of Jlo’s bit, I flipped on Amazon and watched Daybreak.

I had a long texting thing with Dan yesterday, which he started because he is so offended that I won’t talk to him in public.  Or wouldn’t. He began texting me at 5 AM. Even though the conversation was obscured by the anger we both felt, we talked enough that I was intuitively clued in as to his thinking, as to what drives him. I had this epiphany, in the midst of his insults and defenses, and suddenly was able to see the whole picture of his life, like slides falling into place in an old fashioned slide show. Or like a movie with all the scenes in the correct order so that it finally made sense. I told him what I believed the truth was, and he didn’t deny it. He didn’t confirm it either, but lack of denial from him when he’s angry tells me a lot.

The most interesting thing I learned was that he, just like my ex-husband, believes that love is earned, not freely given. All kinds of love, with none of it is unconditional.  Which, knowing his family, I can fully see. And knowing that, and what the truth was about some of his dysfunction, all I feel is sorry for him now. I mean, really sorry for him. No BS, as I said to him. I have not cried at all during this break-up. But yesterday I did for a few minutes. But not for myself but for the sadness of his life. The choices he made which have led him to his isolation, his lack of compassion and empathy. I know that he never got that from anyone in his life. His value of himself is based on the approval, which to his mind is love, of those who use him. God, it’s so sad, even now.

So I texted that to him, I told him if he should want to ever talk about it, about the truth, I will listen. And I told him I can speak to him in public or private now, because I was given a crack in the window, to see the truth. I know that based on this thing about having to earn love, I have no place in my life for him on any level but a shallow friendship. Imagine telling your spouse or partner or child that they have to earn your love by doing for you. Wow.

He also told me that because I’d gained “35 lbs” I was no longer attractive to him. I corrected him. I gained 20, just like he did. I suppose it looks worse on me, as I’m 5’7″ and he’s over 6′.  And it didn’t change my whole appearance, which he claimed. It was such a superficial defense of indefensible action. So shallow. I don’t know anyone who would split up a relationship over 20 lbs. That’s when it started to become clear to me, how he has taken on these shallow and superficial attitudes as if they were true, instead of looking inside himself and finding the truth, and dealing with that. His weight was never an issue for me, I loved the man he was, or, more correctly, that I thought he was, that he represented himself to be in the beginning. He’s still overweight, even though he says he’s lost 10or 15 lbs. He’s big enough that it doesn’t show. But it’s a moot point. It’s not why I loved him, and isn’t why I am out of love with him now.

Just sad. He’ll never find happiness, and in fact, has told me he’s never really been happy in his life. Wow. Just wow. I will still be there if he ever wants to try to break through and look at the truth, because it will be a hard day, a really difficult moment should he get there. I’m confident he won’t. But I can talk to him if I run into him and harbor no anger. His life was destined to turn out this way. Mine is not, nor do I want to be around someone who tries to drag me into their hell. Should he ever want to sprout his wings and fly, I’ll be happy to help him. But otherwise, we have nothing in common.

I slept so well last night. I think it was having all this stuff fit together, and make sense. I went to bed with no angst about any of it. And woke up the same. It’s a wonderful thing, to sleep well.

I hope we get some work done on this boat this week. If he doesn’t want to deal with it, I will do what I can while it’s parked here in my yard. Get it cleaned up, take some pics, get an ad posted. I don’t know where to advertise it, besides FB marketplace. I am unfamiliar with the boating periodicals or website for Florida, but I’m sure there are some.

Lots going on this week. Lots of things to do. I’ve been practicing for the sound healing we are doing next Sunday at the beach, and need to just keep that up. It will be easier for me I think, without Dan there who doesn’t believe there are any healing properties in it, despite the many people who have come up and shared their experiences with me, and despite my own many profound experiences from attending them myself. If he can’t feel it, it must not be true, is I guess how he thinks. It’s too bad he’s built such an impermeable wall around his heart.

Here’s to breaking walls down, not building them. To allowing people in, by actually showing up and letting yourself be seen. To allow yourself to be vulnerable so you can take a chance on being loved, instead of spending your life afraid of it.

Here’s to living. Not dying while you breathe.

Love and light to all.

3 responses to “On Not Dying While You Are Still Breathing

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