I spent the day alone yesterday, all day. Didn’t even go out of the house. After going out for pizza and to listen to our good friends play Dan and I had stayed up until just after midnight Friday night. Since we were home by 8 PM, that was 4 hours of talking and about 2 hours past when I usually go to bed. The conversation turned to hard, difficult, at times angry. Finally, at one point in a break in the conversation I asked him if we could be done for the night.
For whatever reason that happened, I woke up yesterday morning after 4 hours of sleep, and my waking thought was, I cannot do this anymore. I cannot go through this verbal blood and guts scene. We have been talking just a week now, and 3 times have had hours long conversations into the wee hours of the morning. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally.
I don’t know if he finally understood how this all came about, this whole rift, the crashing and burning of our relationship. I think we are trying to build a new foundation, though sometimes I feel like the old one is being defended. Which of course is not necessary. It’s not even the right thing to do.
But yesterday, upon waking, I didn’t know if I could continue. It was just too hard. It shouldn’t be that hard if love is present.
I didn’t try to reach him all morning, I needed a rest from the whole thing. And I was exhausted. In late morning, I got an email from him. I think he’s beginning to realize that when something is written, it is less likely that you run off-track, because this email was a beautiful thing. He soothed my bruised psyche. He reached out.
So, I did some journaling, I read for a while, I did a little bit of housework, I did a complete run through of the sound healing (which was so good for me) and I napped. He and I texted intermittently through out the day. It was peaceful. Even though I am still kind of in the place where I woke up, not knowing if I can stay with it, I see him trying and so, I continue to try. Still, I feel like it just shouldn’t be so hard. I crave the ease that used to define our relationship. I don’t know if we can ever get back there. I am reminded of the scene in Eat Pray Love, where Liz Gilbert says to David, “It’s not that I need easy. I just can’t have it be so hard.”
I can take hard, like illness, like external issues. I can’t take hard interpersonal relationships. Not this hard. I want to not be so tired that I can’t go for a walk, that I don’t want to do anything, or talk to anyone, that I am in my head way too much trying to understand what the hell is happening, and how I ultimately feel about it. I want to be his soft place to land, but I also want him to be that for me.
I am so grateful for my close circle of friends, my tribe as we call ourselves. They have been that soft place for me to land. I’m trying not to lean on them so much now, just trying to figure things out on my own. This is mostly my writers group.
I’m guessing I’ll be alone much of today too, until I get down to the beach and set up the sound healing with my friend Lynn. I asked Dan to join us, but I don’t think he’s going to. He is holding on to resentment that I excluded him at all, and not realizing that in doing so, he’s separating himself now. I invited him back to try to heal the resentments, to move us forward instead of being stuck in that hurtful place. But that’s a realization he needs to make on his own, and that’s what I told him, that it’s completely up to him whether he joins us or not. I know I can do it without him. I have planned until this last week to do this, and I’m ok with it. He can add to it, or not. You never know, he may surprise me and show up.
I also suggested to him that he could go and just be a participant. Lay on the beach and experience it from that side, because he has not done that. It would be good for him, and he could go with two of our good friends who always go. I don’t know if he’s considering that. I hope so.
My morning coffee is getting cold. It’s a chilly 54° outside. Since it’s supposed to get to 75° today, I think I’ll wait to take my walk. Gonna do my best to prepare myself for the sound healing, and hope nothing is able to disrupt that.
Love and light.