A Little Bitching and A Little Working Out of Depression

In the worst, hardest times of my life, I have never considered myself depressed. I’ve had some occasions that might have seemed I was entitled to be depressed, but I never went there. I just worked to change the situation so I could be happy.

This thing with my back/hip/leg though….. Yeah, it gets me really really depressed. And lately, I’ve had some kind of stomach issue too, just to make sure I felt particularly shitty. I am 9 weeks out of surgery, and thought that I’d be much farther along by now. I still cannot walk much, because putting the weight on my left leg/hip is still very painful after about 50-100 ft. Crap, I sound like a whiney bitch. But honestly, I am only pain-free when I am laying down.

I seem to have lost my appetite. That has never happened to me before. I have a freezer full of food and can’t find anything I want to eat. I try to eat, knowing I have to eat to get better, but it’s a struggle. I also know that’s a sign of depression.

I’m ok when I’m around Dan, or my friends. Left to my own devices, especially in the evening, I can begin that downward spiral in which I wonder if I’ll ever actually get better.

It didn’t help that my primary care doctor seemed to be avoiding me. Considering he didn’t have any x-rays or an MRI done, and sent me to physical therapy (which was in his office, and he gets paid for it) which only made it worse, because he didn’t bother to find out that I had bone fragments in my spine. He refused to prescribe any pain killers, so I was taking way too many acetaminophen, I mean way too many. It’s extra strength, 500 mg, and I was taking 3 at a time 4 or 5 a day. Finally, when I asked for a pain specialist, he sent me to an ortho guy, who was ok, and at least prescribed me one hydrocodone a day, eliminating some of the acetaminophen. But seriously, he’s a dr. The amount of acetaminophen I was taking could have injured my liver terribly. (The max dose on the package says don’t take more than 4000 mg a day, I was taking 7500 mg a day….)

I decided back in the hospital I was going to find another doctor when I was through this thing. I didn’t think it wise to switch up doctors until I was farther along. But now? I have been calling his office for days, asking for a call back about this stomach issue I have and no one calls me back. He doesn’t need to call me, I asked for my PA there, but even she doesn’t call me back. So I began a search for a new dr, and found one, a few miles from my house, with good reviews on Google (4.6 out of 5 stars). I was able to switch to her for Nov. 1, and have an appointment with her next Friday.

I had an appointment with a pain management dr, a real one, on Thursday. I was hoping I’d get something that would allow me to go to PT and not be hurting so much after. I am mostly off the hydrocodone unless I’m in real pain when I go to bed. I’ve replaced it at night with an Ambien, which allows me to sleep through the night usually, but it makes me so groggy in the morning. I don’t always need something as strong as hydrocodone, but there are definitely times I need more than acetaminophen. I can’t do ibuprofen, nsaid’s don’t agree with me, and I think may have caused my stomach issues. So…..he gave me a script for 45 hydrocodone for 30 days, which is most likely way more than I need, but I am so grateful to have that bottle there beside my bed if I DO need it.

I guess this is a bitch session. Slowly but surely, I have to do things that will put me in a better position, and keep me out of the depressed place. It’s all good.

There are a few other things that are bothering me. This coronavirus surge is just breaking my heart. It’s definitely depressing to each day see us topping the day before in new cases. Shattering record after record. Not the kind of records we want to shatter. I am hopeful that on Nov. 3 we will turn the corner in this country to real leadership, and get rid of the toddler in the White House, exchanged for someone who actually gives a damn about the citizenry, and the country. Not just money. I’ve voted and my ballot is one of the 93,000,000+ ballots that have been counted.

Dan has continued to be very good to me, but I am not seeing him as much as I’d like. And I”ll admit, that I am a little selfish in that regard because I mostly just want his company. But he’s got a lot on his plate at the moment, and I see that he’s spreading himself thin. I’m not much use to anyone, lol, because cooking is a pain for me, cleaning is a pain, laundry is a pain…..all because I can’t walk much, or stand up too long. I used to love to cook. But I haven’t been able to cook for months and months…so I’m losing interest. Especially with this stomach issue.

I am improving though, and I hope I’ve not given the impression that I’m not. In fact, after PT on Tuesday, I had the best 3 days I have had in months. Maybe 7 to be exact. It was the first time that I have been able to feel that I WILL return to normal one day. Which really helps with the depression issues that I’ve had.

The weather down here in Florida has really gotten beautiful in the last week. Daytimes are in the high 70’s to low 80’s, the humidity has come down to below 60%, which is great for down here! And sunny and it’s not raining every day for 15 minutes. It’s a lovely time of year in Florida. I’ve seen that it’s snowed a few times in October in CT, my old home. I am sure not missing that at all. But I have been missing my friends up there. This morning I face-timed with one of my oldest best friends there. We haven’t been in touch except to comment on each other’s FB posts for months. It was good to talk to her.

All is well here, at least as best it can be. I am hopeful for the election, but still so afraid that it won’t turn out the way I, and almost all of my friends, are wishing for. Working on my manifestation skills, lol.

Love and light to all.

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