How Did I Ever Get Here?

Feeling introspective today.

We have what I’m pretty sure will be our largest attended soundbath tonight. We now have just under 500 responses, 499 to be exact. I keep repeating it to myself, trying to absorb the fact that 500 people were at least interested. Over 60 have committed to coming, but I’m guessing we’ll beat last March’s record. I’ve been trying to figure out how to get people to sit closer to us, so that the back won’t be so far away. I’m afraid those in the back won’t be able to hear it. Even though, I realize that’s something I can’t control, and should just let it go. But I did buy 24 electric tea lights to make some luminaries to delineate to people how close they can get to us, because they always seem to start 20’-25’ feet back from us. Maybe that’s what they want. The luminaries will add atmostphere anyway….

Right now I’m sitting on my deck, just trying to enjoy this incredibly beautiful day. And thinking about how I got here, to this place, this small town in Florida and to be providing something a lot of people seem to like.

15 years ago I was in a miserable marriage with a man who had just gotten crazier over the years, alhough I didn’t recognize it for what it was. I just knew he was abusive of my son and me. It was about 15 years ago, when I’d been married for 30 years, and with him for many more, I knew I had to go, and made my plans. I rented a condo, and eventually, my son made his way to me. It took me 4 years to get fully divorced, and a Supreme Court decision, but once I got it I was able to buy my dream house for my son and me. We lived there for 5 happy, happy years until I craved being retired. That meant I had to sell the house where we were so happy, and move to Florida, where I could afford to retire.

I found the gong baths when I lived in the condo. I had a relationship or two. Thought I was crazy in love once. Turned out I was in crazy denial of all the ways that that relationship was so wrong for me. When I got down here, my ex-husband’s last frail, tenuous thread that connected him to reality broke, irretrievably. It was at that moment, I knew the other thing, the crazy-in-denial thing, had to be over as well, and I closed that door. Clarity through trauma.

Then, as the Universe does when you close the wrong door, Dan walked in the right door. He loves me, and I love him. There is no question. I have, since we met, questioned it, but that was only my fear of being mistreated again, of being abused. I surely didn’t want to set myself up yet again. He is steadfast and strong, holds me up when I need it. And lets me run when I need to do that. But I never run from him, at least not anymore.

He supports me in everything I do. Sound healing, reiki, writers group, having weekly sessions with my girlfriends as COVID raged. And then…there has been my health. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without him in the last year as I was reduced to living in a recliner, unable to walk, in constant pain. For literal months. The better part of a year. He cared for me so tenderly, and I know it was not easy for him. I know he was exhausted from the demands it made on him. But he stayed. He loved me without fail.

Now, here we are. I have learned to let go of any expectations. I have come to understand that I love him, that I want him in my life, that I would not be able to do any of this alone, without his backing. I try to live a life deserving of him.

So many life lessons. I wish I’d started learning them when I was younger. I am so envious of people who actually didn’t have to waste decades of their lives before they were free of the stuff that gets you stuck. But then….age is a number. Time is only the construct of a human, and doesn’t matter. I needed to learn so many lessons, and I think I have learned them. Because tonight I will be doing something that I am so passionate about and loving it. That 500 people here have expressed an interest just blows my mind, but really, it’s not about the numbers. It’s about my opportunity to share a gift with people, to perhaps help many people with their own healing. As the sun sets, as the waves lap the shore, as the new moon darkens the sky and perhaps people look forward, setting intentions to create the life they want, and crave. A life they love.

A friend asked if we could meet early and set some intentions. Dan and I go down early anyway, to set up, to test the sound, to set up my luminaries. But what I did differently for this sound healing was actually write an intention. I will set it out with our singing crystal bowls, with a large piece of amethyst. It says:

The vibrations created by these instruments

and those who play them are for the highest

good of everyone who can hear them, and for

the highest good of the planet.

Which means it will all be for all of you as well. Wishing you love, light and Good Vibrations.

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