Wednesday I went to my endocrinologist, for a routine checkup for diabetes.  She is in a huge medical building, with an attached garage that has about a dozen parking levels.  I parked on level H, and walked down the ramp to the elevator.  When I came back, I went back to level H and my car was not there.  I walked around and around, and couldn’t find it.  I was sure it was stolen, the parking place I was in was empty.  I was freaking out, silently.  I went to the attendant, and she called security, who drove me through the garage til I found my car on level F.

God, I was SURE it was level H.  Positive.  Which just goes to show how my mind works.  Not only was I sure it was level H, I was sure it was stolen.

But there in lies a microcosm of how I have been living my life.  Very wrong about so many things, and making up stories in my head, which I fully believe to be true, until, oh there’s the car in front of my face, right where I left it.

By the time that was done, and I was safely in my car, on the way back to work, I texted S to tell him, it wasn’t stolen, it was on level F.  And then I said, “I need you to come see me, before I lose my mind.  Will you come see e tonight?”

After he realized I wasn’t kidding, he indicated he would come.

And there was S, willing to drive an hour see me, with back pain so much he could barely walk, when I had done the same to him, making up a story I fully believed to be true.

I can’t get over how allowed my egoic mind to just take over for the last 10 days.  This man I care so much for….maybe he didn’t communicate to me exactly the way things were, maybe he is imperfect.  But he expected the best from me, not the worst, and that is worth so much.

All I needed to do when he said she is back in my life is ask what that meant.  And I would have found out it meant, they could talk, they were friends of a sort.  And if I could have calmly said, why should I be happy, I would have found out it was because he had so many unanswered questions about the ending of their long term relationship, questions that kept popping up and preventing him from healing from it.  That maybe now he can move past it, and free his heart up?  (That’s just a guess on my part….) To be honest, we didn’t talk that much about his break-up with her, almost 2 yers ago.  I thought his questions had been answered, when he met with her over a year ago and found out she was married.  I also felt it was not my business why they broke up, it was his.  But still, now…it kind of overflowed into my business, and if I’d have asked why I should be happy, calmly, not accusingly, I would have saved a whole lot of pain.   If I had been listening, with my heart and not my stupid fearful mind, I would have heard him when he said “I want you to be happy, you know it’s all I’ve ever wanted” meaning, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.  Me.

When I understood that Wednesday night, I stopped dead in my tracks.  As the realization came to me, how absolutely asinine I’d behaved, I just cried.  I could name all the reasons I was fearful, but the point is, you can’t just be loving and soulful when it’s easy.  To remain loving, when it’s hard, is the true measure of how deep your convictions run.

I hate, absolutely hate, that I sent all that negative emotion, all those untruths about him into the universe.  I hope the universe can work it’s wonders and perform some alchemy and turn lead into gold, and let that stuff come back in it’s new form to him.

I still have a ball in the pit of my stomach.  I feel like I don’t know who I am.  Everything I believe in my heart is the opposite of who I became over the last 10 days.  Jumping to conclusions, wrong conclusions, not asking questions, cutting off communication, just so my ego could feel big and inflated and powerful.

It is so difficult to look at yourself, and not like what you see.  Sure there were a lot of things that added up to making me believe what wasn’t true, but the fact is, I was expecting the worst from him, while he expected the best from me.  And he gave me the best of him, and I gave him the worst of me.

I can’t undo what was done, but I can rethink the way I behave.  I am so grateful that the universe helped me to lose my car in the parking garage, so I would find it and see how I make up a story, and don’t question it at all, and believe it to be true.

S was right where I left him too….not with her.  With me as much as he ever has been, and willing to put the effort in to get through the mess that was created.

I had a gong bath last night.  An hour long vibrational healing meditation.  Boy did I need it.  S used to say to me, the day after a gong bath, “You should do that every night.”  Because it helps me so much, in regaining center.  Wednesday night he was my gong bath.  He helped me regain center, and see who I was and who he thought I was.  I liked who he thought I was better than who I was.  I will try to deserve his belief in me.