I spent yesterday morning on the edge of tears. Whenever I was alone, I just faced and tried to weigh my emotions for this man, against the reality of our relationship.  All it did was bring me to tears.  About lunchtime I realized I had to stop thinking about it, it was making me crazy.  I went to lunch, read the book he had given me, then did a quick 10 minute meditation in my car, at the edge of the cove where I spend most of my lunch hours.

When I was driving back to work, I thought, “Do I have to decide right now?  Today? Tomorrow?  This week?”  S is happy with things as they are, I know he is not pressing me to decide what I want.  What I decided to do was to let all the questions go for the moment.  Put aside all the differences, to deal with later.  I want to just BE with him, and enjoy each others company the way we used to.  I am so tired of unfulfilled wanting, I just want to stop.  Just be.  Not to want more than is there.

Let me have some of that God, of just being with him.  Let me just surrender all the desire and unfulfilled wanting I have in this relationship, and let it flow, like water.  Let happen what’s going to happen.  Let me feel gratitude just because he is next to me without wanting more.

In the middle of our serious talk, he made me laugh so hard I couldn’t talk.  That has to be worth something, doesn’t i?  To both of us?