The other night S and I were having a conversation via text. It was kind of light hearted, flirtatious, easy. I was getting sleepy and said goodnight, he continued texting, so after about 10 or 15 more minutes, I said I was going to sleep (because I couldn’t keep my eyes open). When I woke in the morning there was a text from him much later, during the night asking if I was pissed off.
The question itself confused me….I didn’t think I’d said anything to indicate that I was angry or upset over anything. I was however, feeling the struggle that I wrote about yesterday. Had been feeling it the night before, though I hadn’t thought it came through in my texts because it was only a feeling then, not yet developed into a thought. His question, wondering if I was pissed off, kind of propelled it into a thought though. Thus the blog about “Struggle”.
I didn’t want him to think I was angry,but thought he deserved to know what was on my mind, so I told him.
I have not heard from him since I told him.
Which is, in and of itself, confusing. If he was going to ask the question, did he not want an answer? A truthful answer? I told him of the struggle, I have told him of it before. It is not news. It is a struggle that at times presents itself, I have to deal with it or not. He also can deal with me and it or not. I asked for no answers from him, or changes. Just said that I was longing for something that wasn’t there. Truth. He knows it. I know it.
So, not to hear from him in 24 hours is more than just confusing, considering we normally have an ongoing text conversation all day, and usually a phone call. What does it say? That he doesn’t want to deal with it. That he doesn’t want to know if and when I have issues with the one-sidedness of our relationship. I don’t know.
And then, I’m concerned that it was bad timing for me, that perhaps his friend who is so sick took a turn for the worst, and that, and me and my issues, and the fact that he had a bunch of family birthdays to deal with yesterday, were too much for him.
And there I am making excuses for him. Life happens. I asked for nothing from him when I briefly explained my struggle. If he was overwhelmed at the moment, I would have expected a “Can we talk about it later?” If his friend took a turn, he knows he could tell me and I would be there, and shelve whatever I was dealing with until later.
Reminiscent of him blocking me for what seemed to be no reason last week.
Feels like rejection, feels like I am very much more on the periphery of his life.
Feels like I should perhaps take the love I feel for him and redirect it into the rest of the world for the time being. Once again, it feels like he’s just not that into me. And really, it accentuates the struggle I have, and it confirms what I feel.
So, in my best Byron Katie voice I will say, “I wish you well S, if that’s what you want. I am a lover of reality, and the reality is that you want something that doesn’t include me.”
My life is rich and full, of friends and family and things I am passionate about. If S should choose to communicate with me I will be open to it, but I won’t obsess over it, or the lack of it.
It’s all about letting go I guess. Seems I’m being forced into letting go, and I will go with that flow, until the flow changes. Maybe the flow will take me somewhere better, or unexpected. Who knows. Just living like water.
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
Now I understand the phrase “learning to live like water”
Oh my dear friend, it all is so familiar… I had a lovely time with R Saturday night and Sunday until he told me that his ex girlfriend and good friend was coming to visit him for a week and while they would not be having sex, they would be sleeping in the same bed and I wouldn’t see him until next week.. he felt that he should tell me so once again, here I am . wanting, longing, alone, wanting to hit him, wanting to love him OMG, I feel like a teenager and an ass. I, like you have a full life, I have four children, five grandchildren and a lovely group of soul sisters but here I sit, waiting to hear from him seeing pictures on his facebook page of him and her having a wonderful visit this week ,etc.. I am so sick of me!! I don’t even want to share all this with my soul sisters because they just look at me and shake their heads in disbelieve, that I can be so stupid. but I guess no one understands unless they have been there? I think you have, so what should we do, beside make excuses for them and keep hoping? If you figure it out, please let me know… 😦
OMG. I’m so sorry you went through this this week. I was out with a friend for dinner the other night, and told her how S disliked that I didn’t want him to be on OKCupid, checking out women’s profiles. Her response was, “That’s just so inappropriate when you are being intimate with someone.” And yeah, it is. Even more so, is to have your ex girlfriend stay with you for a week sleeping in the same bed. To do that is completely disrespecting your relationship with him….Even if there is no sex, as S said to me about A once, “just sleeping together is intimate, even if there’s no sex.” (Funny how this attitude only presented itself when I was the one sleeping with someone else.)
For me, the idea of my man with someone else when I believed we were together is harder to deal with than losing him. I cannot get past it.
I think this time I’m actually gonna end it with S. Not for that reason, but because I just want to love someone who can love me back. “Like” is just not enough anymore. I hope you can get to this point….and stop the pain. (I hope I can stay with it, lol.)
Thanks, yep I hope we can both get to that point and be done with this pain…. but the thought of not being with him is so awful… god I am stupid!! and I’m 60 years old, you would think i would know better by now… guess not. Stay strong, much love. Michelle
Well Michelle things change. This morning I had an overwhelming concern about him, and I texted him. Asking if he was okay. Funny you should ask he said. My friend died last night.
So this is the connection between us, I knew he was needing someone, just a friend maybe. I’m going tomorrow and spend the day with him. Somehow it feels like a close friendship right now more than a romantic one. Which I guess is healthy.
I said to him i don’t know about you. Can’t live with you can’t live without you. (I was laughing when I said it). He said I know the feeling. What will be will be. Just going with the flow living like water. You stay strong too
He is lucky to have you, just be careful… I worry about your heart, it seems a lot like mine. Michelle
Yeah i think it is. Seems ok at the moment. I’m not pretending he’s in love with me, I’m just gonna be with him, maybe go to the beach or something. He’s grateful that I offered. There seems to be no pressure for either of us. If that changes by morning I’ll stay home. :-).