I talked to my ex husband yesterday.  It is unusual.  I didn’t talk to him for 6 or 8 months, and twice now in the last 10 days.  He has led himself down the primrose path to destruction.  I believe that now, now that he has created so much chaos for himself,, he is reaching out to the one person who he knows always loved him.  He needed help sorting something out, and I was able to cut through the bullshit for him, (which is all self created by him), and let him see reality.

Then he told me his aunt passed away a couple of days ago.  This is unusual, in that this is the 3rd (at least) member of his family to die since we’ve been apart, but the first one he’s told me about.  It was too late for me to go to the wake or the funeral, but at least I can send her children a card.  They were part of my life for 40 years, I was grateful that he told me.  Which means to me, that he perhaps doesn’t see me anymore as the cause of all his problems, but as someone who just had to save her own life,, (and our sons).  Perhaps it means that going forward our relationship will be based on commonalities, on the better part of our history, instead of the abuse he piled on my son and I in an effort to maintain control.  I hope so.  I would like to see him as a friend.  It’s been 8 1/2 years since I left him.

I would hope that the same can be true of S and I.  S was the first man I was involved with since my divorce.  I feel still the unconditional love I have always felt for him, despite the ugliness that came up in the last few days.  I know we can’t be together as we were right now, but I am not forecasting the future.  How can we know?

My friend A left on a grand adventure this morning.  Downsized from a 3800 sq ft beautiful home to a camper, with his son.  They are headed out to the Olympic Peninsula eventually, stopping along the way where ever they feel the desire.  By October he will be in Texas at his brothers ranch, and then on to the Southwest in the spring.  I went to see him, and he told me,  “Look at me, I have to say this now, I won’t have another chance.  I know I scared you with it before.  But,   I just want you to know I love you so much.  You have forever changed me.”  I still do not feel the passion for him that he feels for me, and I’m glad, because I was just able to be excited for him to take on this adventure.  He’s a sweet man, we will stay in touch.

But the whole point is, love never dies, does it?  It can change, and transform, but it’s energy.  Energy can’t be created or destroyed, only transformed.  My love for these 3 men in my life will continue to change, but it will always exist.  No matter what has been thrown at me, the hate, the anger, the viciousness that can accompany pain….in the end, it is always love that is left.

I’m at peace with all of this.  I’m happy to have found a way back to peace with all of them.

Love and light, all.

3 responses to “Transformation

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