Switched from red wine to rum tonight.  Feeling pretty good.  I got an answer, the only answer I needed.  So, I could let go, knowing there was no eminent danger.  He can do his thing, and I can do mine.  As it should be.

I believe in unconditional love.  It means you don’t get to pick and choose who you love, you don’t get to judge whether or not they are worthy.  You just have to love everyone.  Or it’s not unconditional.

There are people who never experience that.  They live their lives not believing they are worthy of love. They believe that without a bunch of extraneous stuff, they have no value.  My ex was one of these people. I am sure that because he believed he had no intrinsic value, he believed that anyone who loved him must be stupid.  Or trying to get something from him. And so he vacillated between treating me like I was stupid, or as if I was trying to take him for something.  And all I wanted was for him to love me.

I get it now.  He couldn’t.  Poor guy.  He tried, I think he really tried.  But that little voice in his head was too loud, too strong.  “Don’t love her, she will hurt you.”

I’ve seen unconditional love in action.  I’ve seen it save people, once they realized they had value just because they existed.  And so… I love S, unconditionally.  Not to be mistaken for romantic love.  But I love him.  I love my ex.  I wish all good things for them.  I believe completely that they are good men at their center

In the meantime, I have decided not to talk to my ex about our son.  But maybe talk to him, just tell him a little of my plans, find out about his.  See how he is.  To talk to him about our son is not my business.  It’s my son’s business and my ex’s.  So I’ll stay out of it.  That has been my stance all along.  Recently I have been worried about my son having family nearby when I move.  But he’ll have his family of friends, and me at the end of the phone, which is basically how we communicate now.  He will be fine, and if he wants a relationship with his father, he can open that door himself.

Feeling good tonight.  Better than I’ve felt all week. The flow went where I didn’t expect it to, but suddenly it’s all quite clear to me, and it’s all ok.

I ordered new carpet on order for my family room, I scheduled a measuring of my room.  I cleaned my son’s bathroom.  Because waiting for him to do it will mean waiting forever.  Literally.  Got my hair cut and highlighted.  Grocery shopped.  The day was gray, but in the middle of the day,I realized it was gray still, but was also green.  As in the color of life, every tree and shrub and bit of foliage is so green this time of year.  Green, as in the color of the heart chakra….Green.