I set myself back today, way back. I was so good this morning. And I cried all the way home, and haven’t stopped.  He started off with an angry text because of my last blog, Questions Without Answers.  I apologize to all of you, who were cheering me on.

First off, he’s with her.  Why is he even reading my blogs, and 2nd, why does he care what I write? What does it matter, she’s his life now, what I say is just peripheral, and should have no effect on him.  I have to write.  It’s my only outlet.  My friends are sick of listening to me cry.  Complain.  Bitch.  And cry some more.  I can’t even tell A, he has been so good to me, he loves me, but even he will want to excuse himself if I start up with him again.  This is all I have, and he hovers over it as if he cared, but he doesn’t.

He says he apologized.  I said, yes you apologized for choosing her, and breaking my heart.  You didn’t ever apologize for telling via text, like a 14 yr old adolescent boy, hit and run.  “I’m with someone else and I’m busy and I don’t want to talk about it.”  Never.  No apology.  You should have been here, face to face, and dealt with the devastation you caused like a man.  Not left me in the street bleeding. Not treated me like yesterday’s trash.

But this is all repetitive.

We texted for about 3 hours.  I told him that calling him a 14 yr old adolescent was only stating the obvious.  That everyone’s first words, were “Really???  Like a teenager?? How old is this guy?”  No one needed me to tell them how immature and cruel and thoughtless that was.

But it’s water over the dam now.  He wants her, I don’t want him.  Well, I do.  I will for a long time.  But he wants her, even if he didn’t want her, I could never ever expose my heart to this much pain again.

He told me I wasn’t devastated, just jealous.  Wow…..I said, Yeah I’m jealous.  A woman who is a whore, a bitch and a bimbo is sleeping with the man I love.  You BET I am jealous.

After I’d said that about 5 times, he asked why I keep trashing her.  I said, I call a spade a spade.  I had to learn to read people when I was married and divorcing a manipulative asshole.    She #1) makes sure she gets paid for her time with you.  A new kitchen, a new car, maybe help with her credit card debt.  Who knows this time, probably help with her divorce.  Just like the prison whore, just the stakes are higher.  No different than the $50 you paid the prison whore, just cost you way more. She #2) left you when you were diagnosed with untreatable liver cancer.  (A miracle experimental drug saved his life).  If that’s not being a total bitch, and devoid of any human feeling, I don’t know what is. She thought you were dying, and she left you. She #3) left you then, as soon as you were done with the kitchen, I think you said the day later on your birthday…to marry some man she’d been cheating on you with.  That’s a bimbo.  The definition of all 3, in Websters, should have her picture.  I asked him what he did to piss her off.  Because he says he hates my temper.  I said, oh, yeah, well I do have a temper, and I lose it and then I get over it, and I don’t hold a grudge once something is settled it’s settled.  I don’t store it up, so that I can fuck someone up 6 months later when they are at their most vulnerable moment.  Personally, I think THAT’S a bad temper.  And a devious one, and a manipulative one.  Mine, is flat out anger, at injustice usually. It is fiery for a few minutes.  Seems to me, that would be easier to deal with than having someone leave you when you’re sick, after they’ve gotten 10’s of $1000’s from you, to be with someone they cheated on you with.  But that’s just me.  I’d take the honesty any day.

And then I said, so she comes back to you.  And she’s so sweet and cunning, isn’t she….you just can’t resist….You don’t even know where she’s been all week?  Do you care? It is sickening, that that’s the kind of woman he wants.  Just sickening.  Fucked up.  Royally.

I think that’s when he told me to leave him alone.  But I didn’t….because I was on a roll.  And he didn’t either. But we did say some t things that weren’t ugly, that we both needed to say.  And I ended up in the bathroom at work, sitting in there, crying. Wondering how I was gonna finish the day.  Not devastated?  No, decimated.  Crushed. Used Up. Wrecked. Shattered.  Broken.  Bruised.  Beat up. DEVASTATED.

Someone else is in his bed and his heart, no, I’m not devastated.  He is denying it, but he knows it’s true.  He knows I loved him more than I can say.  He knows I gave him everything I could give him, and asked for nothing.  Those things he knows.

I will never ever be the same.  I will be ok, I will recover, but I will never ever be the same.  I will look twice before I trust again.  Maybe 3, 4, 10 times.  100 times.  I will hold onto my heart, and probably fuck it up with a good man because I’m so fucking scared to give my heart away again.  I’ll never go to a beach around here without wishing he were with me.  Good thing I’m moving.  New beaches, new places, where he won’t be ghosting my psyche all the time.  Even the town he lives in, I won’t want to go to anymore.  And it’s a beautiful little town. Lots of tourists because it’s so beautiful.

He wanted me to go to the beach with him yesterday, why didn’t I go?  “Do you think I want to see you when you are sleeping with someone else?  Do you think I want to look in those eyes and see someone else’s reflection?  Are you THAT cold, that you think that would be ok with me?”

He blasted me for being online, on a dating site.  Why does he care?  What does he expect.  Yes, I said.  Of course I am.  Of course I’m looking for a man that will soothe my aching heart, and make me forget about you.

So, I have been messaging with a nice man, looks nice in his pics, loves the ocean like me.  Seems we have something in common.  My heart isn’t in it, but I’m going to meet him for coffee after work one day, because I have to force myself to get out there, and stop sitting home making myself sick.  I got a nice message from a different man today, but too busy to check him out. I might respond, just to put the energy out there, just to get used to trying to deal with the fact that this is where I’m at. That the man I love wants someone else, and ruined me. The fact that she’s the kind of woman she is, only rubs salt in the wound. I have to start from square 1 again.

So, I guess I need to stop talking to him, again, because this is all that’s going to happen.  I’m gonna miss him more, and hurt more, and still know we can never be together.  I just want to curl up in a ball and hide out.    He’s gonna get an ego boost out of my pain.  He’s going to keep me engaged.  I need to let go.

It’s only been a week and 2 days.  I guess I shouldn’t be beating myself up so much for still wanting him so much.