Here’s the problem. I went to bed last night and thought, without thinking, this is S’s side. I get a pizza, and think of ordering it the way S liked. I get dressed, and he liked me in this. None of them are conscious thoughts, they are just there. Permeating every thought. My text alert goes off, and I think it’s him. I put him on “do not disturb” do I still get them, but there is no alert so they don’t make my heart stop. I will just see that he’s texted when I open my phone. It’s a small step, but it helped a little yesterday. There probably won’t be anymore texts anyway. I think he’s done, he’s not going to try to pull me back. He knows my mind is made up. I know he thinks I shouldn’t care about her being in his life….but he knows I do. I’m not sure he understands how he irretrievably broke my trust, because that would mean he had to look at what he did to figure out why.
This morning is easier. Every second takes me farther from him. Every second that passes dims the memories, the hopes, the desire. And anyway, when it gets bad for me, I can visibly see him Monday night, watching me suffer and not giving a damn. Just drama to him. Feelings aren’t real to him, he doesn’t have any, even though he declares he does. He kept saying that, “I have feelings too”. I said “but no one knows what they are. You never talk about them.” So…whatever they are, that might have soothed my soul to know he could feel something about the end of our relationship, will forever remain his secret.
It’s his way. It’s why we can’t be together. I just wish he hadn’t drawn me back in so many times. I wish he’d just let me go the 4 or 5 times I tried over the summer. Even when HE was the one who said he needed to go off and find out who he was, when I said, then go, S, find out. You can check in with me whenever you want., he would be drawing me back a couple days later. For a guy who wanted to be alone, he made a pretty concerted effort to keep me in his life. I drew the line at having a purely physical relationship, so I didn’t see him much. But I was there, every day, all day, texting, sharing…every day.
I guess that’s what i will miss if I ever get past the hurt, is his funny quirky sense of humor. He says it was different when we could sit on the deck and talk. Of course it was. There wasn’t a third person in the relationship. Of course it was. I wasn’t expected to share him.
He calls it a green-eyed monster. As if there is one woman in the world who would be ok with being dumped hours before she expected to see her man, dumped for another woman?? Is there anyone out there that would think it’s ok for him to see her Saturday and me Sunday? Seriously?
Ii just wish the ache in my heart would go away. Time, distance….right now it feels like I need to travel to Mars to get away.