Pleasurable Options

I was so angry last night, to find out that the deception was far beyond what I had believed.  The difference is,I wasn’t hurt by it.  This weekend, after I had that moment and sent him an innocuous email, I really haven’t missed him at all, haven’t wanted to be with him, could think about him with no emotion.  So I suppose the universe decided it was a good time for me to get the whole truth.  I hate a liar.  I mean really hate them. My ex was pathological, and S…he is maybe too.  He apparently loves to be manipulating peoples emotions.  He’s worse, really.  My ex would manipulate situations.  He never tried to manipulate my emotions about him.  Whatever.  S is a scumbag asshole, he and Betty Boop can live in their deceptive bliss.  It is so tempting, now that I know her name and could easily get her address, to consider disabusing her of her ignorant bliss.  But I think it’s more effective to let karma play it out.  I just want to get distance from that whole sordid ridiculous childish bullshit.  I could stir the pot, I could cause massive problems.  But it’s not me.  Let him play his games with her, he’ll get found out, and I’m pretty sure she likes the games or is dumber than me, if she doesn’t see what he’s up to.

A texted me last night, at about 10.  I’m usually going to bed, but I was so angry I stayed up and talked to him.  I didn’t tell him about it, but just talking to him calmed me down.  We stopped talking about me going there, but began a conversation about him coming here over Christmas-New Years.  IDK.  I am so conflicted.  But thinking that I’ve never had a bad moment with him, he has been instrumental in my healing from the scumbag.  Maybe I should give us a chance.  He’s loving, and kind, and sweet.  Now that I’m really free of S maybe I should give it a chance to see what’s there.

So, life goes on.  I feel good this morning.  To be free, to have a kind wonderful man in my life who loves me, and the possibility of something.  At least, options that give me nothing but pleasure.

4 responses to “Pleasurable Options

  1. I know you probably won’t, but just in case in a moment of anger or frustration you feel the need to send BB a message, please, please don’t. Not to spare her feelings, but I get the impression S could actually turn nasty (and not just verbally) to protect himself, his lies, his image…

    On a more positive note, A sounds just what you need right now, and it would be great if he could come to you, rather than trekking thousands of miles to see him…

    • Yes, I know, regarding BB. I would never do it, I would just daydream about it. Partly because I am afraid of his anger, he is capable of real evil. Partly because I tend to leave things to the universe sort out. I just want to be free of them both, I trust the universe to deal with liars and creeps, I know he will get his. I have a feeling she left her husband at his urging, he is very persuasive when he wants you to believe he cares. I feel sorry for her, really, but I’m not going to burst her bubble, I will let him do it for her, and let the universe direct it.

      He had cancer, and lately I have felt issues with his breathing…things I will ignore going forward. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the cancer come back in his lungs or somewhere. He has COPD and smokes, and his heart and throat chakras are so blocked. That may be his punishment. There is no escaping karma. I don’t have to cause it.

      Yeah, the more I think about it, the more I think my relationship with A deserves what would be the first real chance it’s had. But he wants to come for 2 weeks…That feels a little scary…but then, putting ourselves out there is scary. And not nearly as scary with him as it would have been with S.

      Onward. 🙂

      • Hmmm, wondering about A….could it be that you’re afraid because he’s not a ‘challenge’? With your previous relationships with S and your ex-husband, you had to ‘work’ for love, respect, appreciation… A is there, offering it freely (just as you did with S and your ex), and it feels overwhelming to be on the receiving end? It’s another lesson from the universe to help you grow…

        • Maybe. I have always had S’s shadow over our relationship. So hard to say. My ex wasn’t a challenge in the beginning. At all. S always was. I think in just hesitant. Don’t want to jump in just because I can. You know? I want it to grow and feel it.

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