I am in much better shape this morning than last night when I wrote my last blog.  Pretty much back to the place where the whole affair just disgusts me, that I participated in it at all, even though I didn’t have any knowledge of the facts.  I am back to seeing him as a defective, sick man.  Completely devoid of normal human empathy and compassion, as my friend Megan pointed out.  He feels it for himself, no one else.  Not missing him at all.

It’s good to be in a place where the random memory bombs just set off a small detonation, and then disappear.  I feel like I have a clearer understanding of what happened to me.  I see where I was feeling the truth, even though he constantly denied it.  I needed to trust my gut, my intuition more, and going forward, will listen more astutely.  It’s a good lesson for me.

I had been feeling so bad for Betty when I first realized she had no idea, but really….she had a relationship with him that left him to his own devices all week, and he’d already proven to her he was untrustworthy with her former best friend.  She also set herself up.  Yesterday I realized that he didn’t lie anywhere near as much to her, he wasn’t trying to blow her off to see me, so lies weren’t needed.  Just the lies of omission, lol, that he was with me when he wasn’t with her.  But ignorance was bliss, for awhile.  We both had to get the big lie.  I’m just way ahead of her on the healing path.  Who knows, she may forgive him, and let him back.  He can’t be monogamous, he can’t draw a line for himself he won’t cross.  If it’s not me, it will be someone else, one day when she least suspects it.  It’s just who he is.  Lies and deception and living on the edge are what he likes.

Enough about him.  Really.  This morning I’m sick of it again, lol.

It’s Thanksgiving.  I made a beautiful pumpkin pie last night.  This morning I am making a jello mold, the stuffing for the turkey was made Tuesday night.  I have a small 12 lb turkey for my son and I, and will put it in the oven around noon so we can eat around 4.  Then a few other things, twice baked potatoes, baked butternut squash.  My son bought a really good bottle of wine, which was really sweet.  He’s growing up and realized he should contribute.  It will be fun to hang with him for the day.  He’ll probably have friends over tonight, which is also good with me. I love having young people in the house, even though they mainly stay in his space, my finished basement.  Still, I like the energy.  It’s invigorating.

I’ve been talking to A a lot.  He’s really gutted his new home.  His son smashed his finger in a car door and had to have it stitched up.  A is not pushing it with me, though I can feel his feelings have not changed.  And right now…as long as he is not pushing me, it is soothing, and a blessing for me. He said he wishes he were here, he’d love to go to the sweat lodge with me tomorrow.  He sends me love every morning, every night, he reminds me of my worth.  I try to also remind him.  I wish I could love him the way he wants, he so deserves it.  I really have a lot of self introspection to do, though….I am not really in a place to be with anyone.

But I’m oh so grateful for A and his loving attention.  Lots of things I’m grateful for on this lovely cold Thanksgiving morning.  For my son, for my friends who have been hanging with me through all this stupid drama.  For my book club, which is 3 of my best friends.  We’re going out to dinner on Tuesday.  I’m grateful for this blog, which allows me to release my emotions in a productive way.  I’m grateful to live in my lovely home, to have a decent job.  Grateful to be able to put a feast on my table today.  To know what I know, lol, and be open to continue learning. Grateful that a relationship that caused me far more tears than joy in the last 6 months is over. I think the dark days are over for the most part.

Happy Thanksgiving, with love and light.