I have been asking myself all day, “What were you thinking yesterday?”
Thank God, thank God, that he did not answer my text. THAT was the universe watching out for me. Knowing that my heart can be soft, too soft for my own good. Geezus. It’s closed up tight again in his direction. Open in all others.
I have all of his texts from back in September before I knew about her at all, through the week prior, to the weekend he told me he was going to be with her, to the most recent after finding out he’d been with her all summer. And all the ones in between breaking up and finding this out.
We texted a LOT. Like every day, morning, noon and night. Even when I wasn’t seeing him, most days we were still communicating. He was still trying to convince me to be in his life, while she was in it. I didn’t do it, thank God, I kept that small dignity. I kept that small amount of self-respect.
But re-reading those texts today….The sheer volume of bold-faced, -look-you-in-the-eye lies that he was capable of just pissed me off again. I mean, seriously. I can’t even imagine the lies he told her. The realizations she had to face. I think because I had let go of the anger, and felt sorry for him. Even A feels sorry for him, even A says, “he needs our prayers. I just went from hating him to pitying him.” And S has caused a lot of pain for A with those lies.
He’s right, S is to be pitied. That he continued right up til she got my letter to lie, to me, to her. When someone lies that much, they have no self-respect, no self-love. They don’t believe they are worth the breath it takes to keep them alive. (Which is probably why he smokes when he has COPD.)
So, tonight on the way home, I was still in re-anger at his ability to look me in the eye and lie. And then I thought about my blog this morning, and half way home just did a “driving” meditation. Breathe in love. Breathe out Scott.
So, ok, I am not angry. He is his own worst enemy. I pity him. But yesterday, I might have invited him back into my life. OMG. I am so glad he didn’t answer, and I got a reprieve from the universe. To invite that madness back in, with no evidence that he learned ANYTHING, except that he underestimated me. And that’s a maybe. He’s still probably trying to figure out why he couldn’t get away with it.
The truth always outs. I didn’t go researching, I didn’t try to figure it out. I just knew that a lie will show up, because it’s an anomaly in the universe. The universe thrives on truth and love and a lie is like rotten apple, the universe will just throw it out and right it.
So, maybe he blocked me and didn’t get it. Maybe he got it and ignored it. Whatever it was, GOOD. I can’t imagine Betty will ever forgive him. I at least got to absorb it in pieces, she had to face it all at once, in a tsunami of undeniable truth. I have a feeling they were making plans to retire together. That’s why the urgent need for him to finish the work on his house, so he could sell it, probably move in with her. (He told me she had terrible credit, that’s why he’d had to buy a car for her, and she was going to pay him back. I guess when he screwed her best friend he got the car back… because it’s the one he drove.Of course, that could have been a lie too.) So, I think she had a lot at stake here besides a boyfriend.
He screwed me over, but I’m very independent, and didn’t need him for anything. I just wanted him, but I can want someone else. Just think this may have fouled their plans for retirement. Well….he didn’t want it that bad, or he would have let me go last spring. He played it to the hilt, to the moment he knew she was going to get my letter.
As for me…I can forgive. Right now. I’m not even mad anymore. But forget? Invite that lunacy back into my life? No fucking way. LOL. Yes, I feel strongly about it.
Thank you Universe, for cutting me some slack, and doing what was for my highest good. Blessed, just blessed.
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
Lol… The dramas of love. I hope you’re able follow through on letting him go for good. Sometimes it’s easier said than done😉
Boy that’s a fact. You’d think that the sheer volume of what he did to me would be enough. Well, it was…. but sometimes, Idk, the fact that I loved him so much just starts wiggling around down there, saying, “Hey, …..” I think it’s ok to love what was, even if it wasn’t real. But to know the truth, and move on.
Best wishes! I hope your heart heals… Hugs
Thanks! I have a lot more days where I see reality than ones I don’t. Thank goodness. It’s a process but I’m making a lot of headway. 😊
My relationships tend to have a Neptune theme to it. So it’s hard to see the reality sometimes. I’m glad you are able to.
This was my first relationship since I was divorced. It had been 7 years before I trusted someone. Sometimes I can’t believe what a bad choice I made. My ex was a liar, but Scott trumps him hands down. I think I’ve learned the lesson. Lol.
I haven’t had any real relationship since my divorce awhile back. Base on astrology I will fall in love or meet the one in roughly 7 years time. I believe that’s 2022 . So between now and then I guess I’ll just be passing the time waiting for my turn😉.
Wow Deb, we really are living this live in parallel lanes! I did the same thing yesterday, I texted him that I had learned a lot about his past and was just sick inside thinking about the trail of heartbreak and destroyed lives he has left behind him all for the sake of having sex with someone different, it is so sick. He wrote back that he was going for counseling now and never wanted to have to lie, etc.. again. The he tells me that his counselor’s office just happens to be in the same office park that I work in! He claims it is God having a sense of humor… a little too much of a coincidence for me. Had a really nice lunch (three hours) with the other woman on Sunday. She is very nice and not the psycho bitch he made her out to be. I am tired of all this and hope it just fades away soon, my poor old heart can’t take much more…
I am very happy to hear that you are doing so well!! Keep on keepen on!
M.
You know, I’m so so glad that he did not respond to my text, no matter what the reason. I really dodged a bullet, because like you my heart is still tender, and not fully recovered from all the betrayal.
If he had, and told me he was going for counseling, it would have pissed me off, really. I mean, he is not going to tell me he’s incapable of knowing right from wrong, he does, he just chose to fed his ego. When I was involved in the abuse community on line, we always said that counseling rarely helped people like this, because it focuses the attention on them even more, and that’s what they love. They don’t care if its good or bad attention, it’s just the attention. All they need is to own their story, and then if they don’t like who they are figure out how to make choices that don’t devastate the people who love them the most. That Scott would try to convince me how he loved Betty, when just the day before, he was asking how we could find a way together…it’s beyond words. Even if he was just playing me, so what? He was dishonoring and disrespecting her, that’s not love. That’s just being self absorbed, and getting what you want at all costs. And I’m leaving out how much it disrespected me…
Breathe in love, breathe out the man who would hurt you. You’ll get through this. xoxo
Omg I LOVE that quote!!! Yes, you most definitely dodged a bullet. I am so glad you didn’t have to decide whether to see him or not. But I hope if he ever hoovers back around, you can tell him where to stick it!! With love and forgiveness of course lol 🙂
Yeah I think I’m good now. Lol. It was left over from his energy spike in Friday I guess. But no…, not inviting that crap back in.
Thank God for that lol!!!