This Letting Go Is Hard-Ass Stuff

where the light comes in

As quickly as the melancholy came, it left.  Maybe because I got to have a real adult conversation with my son and his (maybe) girlfriend.  Maybe it’s because I got into making a traditional soup for Christmas.  I used to always make it, it’s my mother-in-law’s recipe, and it made my son happy.

It was probably a lot about the gongs, and what bubbled up, that memory of Scott holding my hand, that had to be let go of.  Often, you don’t feel the work of the gongs, or stop feeling it,  for a few days.  It was all symbolic.  That he wouldn’t let go of my hand, or me.  That I had to let go of him.  And now I have to let go of that memory.  All about letting go.   That’s why I remembered it then….to help me really let go.

I thought about, am thinking about, taking some soup to my ex, leaving it on his doorknob.  But I think he is always there.  I don’t want to run into him, really.  I just feel bad for him, all alone at Christmas.  I know it’s what he wants, I know he set himself up for it.  But he’s been alone at Christmas since 2008.  Even his sister doesn’t want him at her house.  Too much chaos, bullshit, lies.  It’s hard on those who cared about him.  It’s why I don’t want to run into him.

This letting go stuff is hard-ass stuff.  But when you can actually get there….even if it’s not forever, it’s so freeing.  Maybe it’s just one layer, that I managed to let go of today, but I did it.  No worse for the wear and tear.  Better than holding on to a memory that was sweet…and a manipulation to make me believe I mattered.  Realizing that it was Sunday, I realized now that he came to my bed from hers.  Really feeling special about that one….lol.  I don’t suppose she’d be feeling much different than me, if she finds out.  She might…she has the link to my blog, though I don’t feel like she’s reading them anymore.  Whatever.  The hurt, and the beauty, of the moment is gone.  A casualty of the massive deception.

But I’m still here.  I’m still me. I’m still someone with a wonderful life.  He didn’t kill me….Wounded, yes.  But the light got in.

 

 

5 responses to “This Letting Go Is Hard-Ass Stuff

  1. yup, it is hard-ass stuff, and i am not having much success with it! Part of me just wants to forget it all but another part wants to take him down!! so where do I go from here…. so tired …. Love to you my soul sister… M.

    • I didn’t want to take him down, really, but I did……It was a by-product of my insistence that she know the truth. But still, there are memories I need to let go of, that was a big one. I couldn’t figure out why it came to me during the gongs, but I get it….it was all about him not letting go, and me needing to. Love you too. Hope all is well. Seems we are both early risers. 🙂

      • Yup, I get up everyday around 4:00. it is my quiet time to meditate or write or read, my brain seems to work better early in the morning! I the summer I am outside when the sky gets light, watering the garden or taking a walk by the river near my house, such a wonderful way to start me day, now, if I could just get the jerk out of my heart and head it will all be good again!

        • I’m not up that early, but usually around 5:30. And I am outside too, in the summer, often before the sun. I love it too. My head is usually clearer, and the world is quieter. And today, I’m not feeling attached at all, which was a new phenomenon last week. It probably won’t last but it’s lovely when it happens, to be able to think of him without a lot of pain. We really are soul sisters I think. I have just had a few more weeks at this than you. Big hugs.. 🙂

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