I was perusing old posts yesterday, God knows why.  Just still trying to make sense of my life I guess.

I have written a couple of blogs about how when I dream about him, it’s so real, it’s like he was there.  I can feel him, smell him, taste him, hear him.  I’ve awakened from those thinking he was in the room with me.  They are so much more than a dream.

I found an old post, a poem I wrote on September 30, 5 days before he told me about her.  It was my first of those dreams, but was happy to have it, because I thought we were together.  He had planned to come to my house for the eclipse two days before, and then fell and hurt his back.  But we were texting and talking intimately, intimating plans to be together.  It was the first time in months I felt like he understood me, that he wanted me the way I wanted him.  That whole week.  Right up until the moment he blindsided me.

I remember the dream still, that I woke and thought I felt him in the bed with me.  I could feel the warmth of his body next to me, I turned over to find him, I thought I could hear him breathing, could smell the scent of him.  Of course, he wasn’t there, but I was happy that I dreamed it, because I wanted him to be there so badly, and thought that in a few days he would be.

Of course, a few days later is when he told me he was going to be with her that weekend.  Ripping my life apart.  Callously, carelessly, painfully, thoughtlessly.  Cruelly.  Just cruel.

So that’s three times he’s come to me in a dream, so vivid, so real.  These are the only 3 dreams I’ve ever had like this.

I need to cut that cord with him.  It’s a thick, hard, old, maybe ancient cord.  But I don’t want him visiting me any more in my dreams.  I know it’s not him, in his current state.  I know it’s his old soul, which is not letting go of me.

I don’t want to go to bed at night and wonder if he will find me again.  This is my work.