My son called me on the way home.  I was actually almost home, about 2 miles away.  He said, “Brian and his girlfriend are here and we’re making hot dogs in the kitchen.  I just wanted to warn you.”  Which, translated, just means it’s a little chaotic in the kitchen. 

When I got home I realized he meant BRIAN, who is a chef at Bobby Flay’s restaurant!  Making hot dogs in my kitchen.  Brought his own utensils!  He made his own relish, he split the dogs, grilled the buns, put in the relish, put cheese and bacon on top, and OMG, they were so good.  It was fun to watch him work, lol.  Chopping, cooking, putting together….I told him,”I can’t wait to go to work tomorrow and tell them that one of the chefs from Bobby Flays was making hot dogs in my kitchen!” My son told him he could open his own restaurant.  LOL. 

And they cleaned up the kitchen!  And ran the dishwasher!  (O.o)

They have been friends for a long time.  My son took his girlfriend there once, and Brian comped him so much food. Son said he paid about $100, but he had to bring home the other two entrees, and 4 desserts….crazy good food. 

So that was fun. 

The rest of my day was….Monday.  I had a really unsettled feeling in my solar plexus all morning.  I went to lunch, to the cove, since it was almost 50 and sunny.  I ate my lunch, and read my book club book, The Gifts of Imperfection.  I idly wondered about my solar plexus.  Was it me?

Was I upset over something?  Was there something I wasn’t addressing?  Was I worried over something? 

Or, was I feeling someone else’s angst.  S’s….  Idk.  I kind of thought, he’s so mad at me for my “Don’t Look Back” blog.   But I couldn’t tell. Then I wondered if he was really depressed.  I wondered how things were with her, was she talking to him, if not that’s why he was depressed, blaming me, I wondered about his chest x-ray and if he got bad news…I started wondering too much, he was creeping back into my psyche.  I was allowing it.  Even though I think it was his energy I was feeling, I was allowing it.

I put on meditation music on Pandora.  I closed my eyes, and sat in stillness for awhile.  10, 15 minutes. I remembered how when we didn’t talk for 2 months, and I’d get this, I’d send him reiki.  By now I only had about 10 minutes left, but that’s what I did.  I focused on his heart chakra and his solar plexus, there wasn’t much time left.

I headed back for work, and I felt like crying.  I was so overwhelmingly sad.  I don’t know why.  Just felt so much sadness, it might have been from him, it might have been from deep within me.  I don’t know anymore.  I got back to work, and as the afternoon wore on, I felt better and better because when you give reiki, you also get it, because it passes through you.  Reiki usually works this way, gradually.  Not an immediate change, but you just start feeling happier, more balanced.

When I got back to work, and had a minute, I actually drafted an email to her. I worry as much about her well-being as his, if not more.  I wanted to tell her, how I spent most of the 3 weeks I was seeing him, talking him down, trying to give him hope that she would talk to him, and that, finally, the last morning,  he decided he was not going to throw in the towel, that I’d talked him into believing there might be a chance for the two of them.  I wanted to tell her that I loved him enough to only want his happiness.  That we had comforted each other, and that was all.   

But I didn’t send it.  I realized that nothing I could say would not add to her hurt over that.  That I sounded like I was justifying myself, and I shouldn’t.  I loved the guy.  That’s why I was with him.  The fact that he needed help, that we talked about her, was secondary, really, to me.  I really and truly only wanted to see him be happy for once in his miserable life.

And then, he betrayed me again, by saying he really hadn’t wanted me, and I had to work through it again. And now…..I love him still, but the answer to him, if it were ever to be asked, would be perpetually no.  Because my heart is not safe with him on any level.  Not even as just friends.  When things go wrong for him, he will betray anyone, no matter what they have done for  him, or how much they love him.  So, first time, shame on him.  2nd time, shame on me.  Third time?  That’s just stupid.

I can’t, won’t interfere between them.  I can’t tell her what he said, I can’t tell him what she said.  I don’t want to be in the middle.  Anything I said to her would insert me squarely in the middle.  Even if they stopped me….there my energy would have been.  It did me good to write the letter.  And then to delete it. 

I am fine now.  Not unsettled.  Not worrying over him.  Not worrying about her.  Feeling free of them both tonight.  And I’m sure they are happier that way.  I’m glad the reiki worked, at least for me. I don’t know, won’t ever know, if I was even feeling his energy and if I was, if the reiki helped him.  I don’t know anything about him, right now, if he’s healthy, happy, sad, angry, depressed, or none of the above, or all of them.  And it’s better that way.  As I said in the letter to her I wrote and deleted, anything I know about him only cords me energetically to a man who never loved me.  The less I know, the easier it is to continue letting go, walk away, move on. I think of him with sadness, he is such an unhappy man. I rarely saw him happy, in all the months I was with him. Except in bed, lol. He was pretty happy there.

So….interesting day. Worked through some stuff, in a way that is consistent with who I am. Got a lot done at work, made some calls that I needed to get made. And, I came home to gourmet hot dogs! LOL.