In and Out

I’ve been in and out of so many things in my life. How do I pick one to write about? Oh, it’s stream of consciousness, I don’t have to pick!

Court….I was in and out of family court so many times I couldn’t even hazard a guess how many times. Enough that the bailiff knew me. Enough that another attorney asked me my attorney’s schedule that week. When I said I didn’t know, he (or she, can’t remember now) asked me “Aren’t you her assistant?” No….I’m just a client. Probably paid her assistants salary that year. Well, I didn’t, not exactly. My ex did, as in the end, the judge disliked him enough not to take the money he advanced my attorney out of my settlement.

Enough so that when I ran into close friends who were getting divorced without an attorney, I was able to enlighten them as to the way the family court worked, and send them to get help with the paperwork.

That’s being wayyyyy too familiar with the court for a lay person.

Before that, I was in and out of my marriage. I say that because I tried to leave him twice before I was actually successful. I have actually read that the average number of times it takes to leave an abusive marriage is 7. So I was ok with 3. Each time was a learning experience. Emotions, mine and his, that I had not anticipated, showed up each time. Each time I was unsuccessful, I was more prepared the next time.

And a love relationship. In and out. One man. In and out. I called it push/pull, because it more aptly describes the roller coaster he set me on, even long after we were officially over. There were times my arms felt almost out of their sockets with the amount of push pull. I would say maybe he was in and out, in and out. It was intensely amazing, or intensely horrible. I don’t think we should have to balance every happy moment in a relationship, with crappy ones. Happily I am out now, so is he. He’s free to make some one else miserable half the time. I am free to find some one who doesn’t need to do that to make himself feel good. Fuck the push pull. Fuck the roller coaster. Fuck in and out in a relationship.

Next time, I’ll find someone who wants to jump in. And stay there. Happily I’m in a place now where there are certainly possibilities.

Doctors offices. Geez. I have been in and out of the doctors office more in the 5 weeks I’ve been here than I am normally in 5 years. Hopefully that will all smooth itself out and return to normal soon.

I am in and out of my house here a lot. Looking for things for the house. Going out with friends. Usually getting in and out of the house includes getting in and out of my new car. Which surprises everyone with it’s amazing head and legroom, since it is such a tiny car. I’m not in and out of gas stations as much, partly because I am retired now. But also 40 mpg helps. And when I did fill it, the only time I have filled it, it had about 1/8 of a tank left, and took 8 ½ gallons. Nice.

I guess we are all in and out of things our whole lives. I’d like to learn to choose the door I want to go in and just proceed. Not go in and out of it 100 times. At least, not on my overall life’s journey. I can’t stand indecision. I push myself, and those I’m involved with to be definite, to figure out what they want and let me know. I’ve been known to ask the question no one wants to hear, just to get unstuck. Like they say, you don’t always hear what you want to, but you do usually hear what you need. There’s a lot of freedom in the truth. I’m an Aries, known for our independence, and for moving things along. Anything from a trip to the store, to a love affair, to ending one.

To a blog ending. Love and light, all.


This post is part of the Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS) writing prompt from Linda G. Hill.  If you are interested and would like more details, please visit her site at

4 responses to “In and Out

  1. Why did it take three times? Were you hoping things would get better? The women I loved went back to her abuser now for the 15th time… Haven’t heard from her since….:(

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