The Men in My Head

My phone seems hell-bent on playing love songs this morning. I’m feeling kind of in limbo at the moment. I don’t know where this thing with L is going. He often talks about “when I see you” but makes no plans. He stopped calling me half-way through his trip to Ohio, but he sent me pics, and has texted me, often. I guess we are just in a holding pattern, to stay as we were until he gets back. But I can’t even be sure. There is no “I’m looking forward to seeing you again.” But he remembers things I tell him, and asks me about them. I just don’t know. The timing of our meeting has made it a little hard, with him having to go away for 3 weeks, right after we met. Yet, I’m waiting, patiently, because no one else has piqued my interest this much.

Then there is the other one, who shall remain nameless. I wish I could say he’s never on my mind, but he is. Not in a good way, really. Just that we’ve never really been done, even when I think we are. Like Leonard Cohen’s song, “Are we still leaning across the old table?” I hope not, yet, there he is. I am still done. I can’t go there again. My cognizant brain always takes over, and says no way. But he lurks, in the recesses.

Maybe when I can see L regularly, the nameless one will get out of my head. I’m hoping L is on his way home today. I’ve not asked him for an exact day that he’ll be back. I don’t want him to feel like he has to report to me. I’m sure I’ll hear from him when he gets back. I have plenty to keep me busy anyway.

Cookies to make for my son. Herbs to put in pots out on my deck. Tomorrow a dr. appointment for therapy. Errands. And walk. I want to get to the waterfront to take a walk. Gonna do that now.

Love and light.

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6 responses to “The Men in My Head

  1. Oh I know the feeling! Some people “like” this feeling of insecurity and adventure when meeting someone new, I HATE it! I hate not knlwing where I stand with someone , I always just wanna fast forward to the part where it becomes clear that both parties have real feelings for one another… but, life is not like that… we have to waaait and it is booooring :p

  2. I get this! I am in a holding pattern with someone I have waited for, for a long time. I’m at the point whether I should just move on without him and heal or stay the course just a little longer. I know what my heart is saying and it is directly opposite to what my head is saying.

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