It’s a beautiful fall Florida morning. It’s 75° outside, there is a nice stiff breeze blowing, and the sun is bright, at least for now.

I am so happy to be sitting outside this morning, sipping my 2^nd cup of coffee, feeling the breeze lift the hair off my neck. I got my trees trimmed the other day. A young kid (about 25 maybe) knocked on my door and offered to trim my palms up into what they call the “hurricane” cut. This means they cut off all the dead stuff and sculpt it so the palm fronds are from 10 to 2 . I am particularly happy about this because the rats nest in the tops of unkept palm trees and jump onto the roof to get in the house. Now I know there are no nests up there, and no holes for them to get into in the roof, because I had all those blocked a few weeks ago. He also trimmed the banyan tree so it was not laying on the roof, and the neighbors live oak tree, which was also reaching out and laying on the roof and swept it off. He dragged all the brush to the street, into 2 huge piles, and cleaned up all the rest of the refuse from cutting. And he charged me $200 for all of it! My yard looks so much better with all that deadwood off of it.

Yesterday one of my good friends came over for the afternoon, and we sat outside enjoying the dry, breezy air with a few beers for her, and one glass of wine for me. I hadn’t seen her in months…6 or 7 months. Dan came over to see her too, because he really likes her too, and the three of us spent the afternoon laughing, basically. It felt good. There has not been enough laughter in our lives (Dan’s and mine). Dan brought crab cakes with him, and he and I had them for dinner, with remoulade sauce I made. So good. It’s our new favorite food. Even though I’ve had crab cakes many times, these, store made and frozen, are SO good.

Last night I decided to try not taking a hydrocodone. I only have 8 or 9 left, not enough to see me through until I go to the pain management dr. Instead, I took an Ambien, and a gabapentin (for nerve pain, but not narcotic). I struggled to get to sleep for probably a little over an hour. I kept thinking about something Dan had said, a suggestion that I was taking the hydrocodone more because I was afraid of that excruciating pain coming back, than that I really needed it. I thought, he’s probably right. And, the last few nights I’ve woken anyway with hip pain and had to go get an ice pack, even though I’d taken the opiate. So I thought, lets just try it.

I had a bad case of restless legs when I went to bed, which I think is a by-product of the nerves in my leg healing. I had quite a few hits off my vape, indica marijuana, which helps a ton with restless legs and helps me get to sleep. Finally I fell into a deep sleep for 7 or 8 hours. I guess I can use that protocol, Ambien and gabapentin, unless I am in pain when I go to bed. But yesterday was a good day, not much pain (maybe from all that laughing?). And I had nowhere I had to go today, so I figured if I can’t sleep, I can nap today. I did wake up in a bit more pain than usual, but not terrible. Now I’m out here on the deck, with an ice pack, and water, and coffee, and feeling pretty decent.

As I said, I didn’t have much pain yesterday, so I got some stuff done around the house. Like vacuumed the kitchen and living room, and swiffered the kitchen floor, ran the dishwasher and unloaded it, and did a load of laundry. Now I just need someone to help me change my sheets on my bed. I’ll see if Dan is coming down here, or I can ask my neighbors to help me. I can make the bed, but I can’t lift the mattress to tuck anything in without hurting myself.

Tomorrow I go back to PT, and I’m expecting it not to hurt me as much as in the past. He is mostly doing stretching exercises to lengthen the leg muscles, which I understand shortened considerably from me sitting with a pillow under my knee for so many months. He also puts me on the stationary bike, which I could only do about 20 rotations of the pedals last time, before my left thigh was burning. Maybe I’ll get up to 30 this time.

I feel like I’m making good progress with the healing. I am glad to find I can get to sleep without the opiod. And get through much of the day without too much pain. I kinda felt bad that as soon as Dan and I finished the crab cakes, I told him I needed to lay down on the couch, but I was exhausted. Cleaning up the house and then having company for a few hours just wore me out. Dan went home shortly after I situated myself on the couch. If he didn’t have such sleep issues of his own, that he’s working to resolve, I would feel bad that he didn’t want to stay. But honestly, I was so tired, I went to bed at about 9:15, and I’m guessing I fell asleep around 10:30. It’s all good.

I am so looking forward to this election being over. I pray that Biden wins and that DT with all his idiocy limps off into the woods with all his crazy making. Or off to another country, as he keeps threatening, lol. Like Yeah, Mr. Prez….promise us that we won’t see you anymore, and make that the one promise that you keep. Meanwhile, FL COVID #’s are going up again, over 4000 new cases for the last 2 days. We had gotten down to under 2000 for a couple days (which is not good, but way better than the numbers we were pulling in July as he opened the state back up) but since then it’s been climbing back up. 45 says if he loses FL he’s going to “fire” our governor (who is a big tRump surrogate). So many of us are hoping would he keep that promise too, if he could. Which of course, he can’t.

Life is good, at the moment. I am very blessed in so many ways. My healing is going well, it seems to me. Beginning to actually feel happy again….when I can walk around the block, and change my own sheets,x lol, I will truly have crossed that bridge to Happyland.

Love and light, everyone.

It was my first morning outside in sooo long. I was sitting on my little deck, and so enjoying the fresh morning air. I had my computer, my kindle, and my phone outside with me. It had apparently rained overnight, so everything was a little damp, glistening in the bright morning sunlight. I wiped down the chairs on my deck and sat down, with my pillow and an icepack.

Ahhh, someday I’ll be able to forego the icepack. It’s been a constant companion to me for months now. Anyway, I came inside for a few minutes, oblivious to the dark gray cloud that was hovering to the west. I can’t remember what I was doing, but I didn’t look back outside for about 10 minutes. When I opened the back door, to head back outside, it was POURING! One of those 5 minute cloudbursts that dumps a ton of rain very quickly, and then is over. The only problem was that my computer, Kindle, and phone were still out on the table, though I’d had the presence of mind to set the pillow that I put in my chair on top of the computer when I came in. The Kindle has it’s own cover, and the phone, well…It’s an Iphone, supposed to be good for 30 minutes in water my son told me when he worked for T-Mobile.

I ran outside as best I could. It is only a couple of steps but I am not actually able to run, or even walk quickly. The running outside was all in my mind. But I quickly retrieved the 3 electronic items, then went back for the pillow, and the icepack. I got it all dried off, and it all seems to be working, thank God. Now all the chairs were wet, again. And the tables too. I have one coffee table that is made for outdoors, and 2 small folding tables. The folding tables I use to put fans on, for the days when my friends come over for coffee or wine, depending on the weather. It it’s hot, it’s in the morning, and we have coffee. If it’s not too hot, we wait til afternoon and have wine and weed, So, today is not that hot, relatively speaking. It’s in the low 80’s, which in Florida is ok. The humidity is high, I think from the rain.

So one of my friends is coming over this afternoon for a little while, so I dried everything off again when the rain stopped. Of course now, an hour later, I look out and it’s raining again….for a few more minutes. Another cloudburst. Even though the radar shows no more showers here, in Gulfport, it shows them all around, so I will wait til she gets here to decide where we will sit and to dry the stuff off. Maybe just at the kitchen table. We can socially distance there, and we will mask up, being inside, but I hope we can go outside anyway, I hope the rain that wasn’t supposed to be here, ends. But that’s Florida for you, especially by the coast, especially by the Gulf coast, with that warm Gulf of Mexico water feeding the clouds.

I had such a bad day yesterday. I did PT on Friday, and by late in the day I was in so much pain. I couldn’t get it to settle down, so I took one of my real pain meds, and finally, it subsided. I didn’t take another when I went to bed, but I woke at about midnight in pain, and took another, mind you it was 8-9 hours later. Then I woke yesterday morning to an upset stomach, and a TON of pain. I ended up going back to sleep on the couch for a couple hours. Ate a lunch that I didn’t like so didn’t finish it, and laid back down and fell asleep for a couple more hours.

I was a little depressed. Partly because I was alone, again. Dan called me but offered very little in the way of sympathy. It was very cloudy outside, and supposed to rain, so I didn’t want to go sit on the deck, because I was in no shape to get the stuff inside quickly if it should start raining. I tell you this not to whine, at least not much, but to explain why I got depressed. I was just sick of hurting, sick of not feeling well, sick of the election crap all over the news all the time, and all over FB.

So….I went to my default, which is gratitude. To be grateful that Dan was good enough to take care of me for so long. Grateful for my friends, who have taken my garbage can out, and picking up my mail, and picking up my prescriptions, and just dropping by so we can visit, and share whatever we have. By evening I was feeling better. At least my back/hip/leg thing. I couldn’t cook though, so I ordered Chinese delivery, and even though it was good, I could only eat a little of it. And really, I’d hardly eaten during the day but whatever. Stomach was still not right. A few hours later I realized that I COULD eat an English muffin with peanut butter, so I did, and that was it. I’ll have the Chinese food tonight.

I woke this morning feeling pretty good. The pain was manageable, the stomach was normal so that’s a good day. Texted with some friends, and then one of them decided to come over this afternoon. It is good of all of them to come here, since it is a chore for me to get out. They all say they love to come here…so that works out for all of us.

As for Dan….He asked for a few days off, off from taking care of me, which I obliged. I won’t go into detail about his issues, but he has been taking care of me, his mother and his brother. His mother I get, she is 93 years old and doesn’t get around real well. His brother? He’s my age, and basically incapable of doing much for himself, but that’s another story. I think he thought I would be there a couple weeks, even though that was something he made up for himself, no one ever told him that I’d be able to walk in a couple weeks. Considering my left leg could not hold me up, I have been working just to get it strong enough to do that, and to walk. I can now walk around the house cane/walker free. But the knee still buckles on me occasionally, so I take the cane with me everywhere. The walker I don’t use much. Mostly just to cart things from room to room, as it has a canvas basket on it that I can put stuff into, so it saves me multiple trips from room to room.

Still….I found that once again, looking for things to be grateful for helped me to climb out of the hole I was falling into. I guess it was simply not feeling well in any way, and having no one I could lean on yesterday. After I started feeling better my son called, and we talked for almost an hour. His girlfriend and her daughter were in California visiting her family so we had a nice chat. Miss that kid!

I hope everyone is having a good weekend. Love and light to all.

I’m watching ‘Under the Tuscan Sun”for maybe the 10^th time, give or take a couple. I love this movie. It is partially responsible for me wanting to see Italy before I die. iThe story though, reminds me of how I felt when I sold my house up north and moved here, to the small town of Gulfport in Florida.

If you’ve not read the book or seen the movie, Diane Lane stars as Frances, a woman who goes through a heartbreak of a divorce. Her friends give her a free ticket for a tour of Tuscany. The friends are gay, and give her a ticket for a gay tour, assuming she won’t meet anyone on the trip since she is not gay, but will be able to put the past behind her. On one of the the bus trips she finds a 300 year old estate in Tuscany, complete with a a vineyard and apple orchard, and a lot of surprises. She is a writer, unlike me she is a good writer, published. She wrote the book, and it became the movie.

The big house itself was in complete disrepair. My house was not. Mine is a small bungalow, 1/3 the size of my house in Connecticut. And had recently been remodeled to be flipped. She is a gourmet cook. I, sadly, am not. Oh, I can cook, but gourmet? No. Nope. I used to be better than I am now, and hope to get back to cooking much more seriously when I can stand for more than a few minutes.

There is a creepy similarity between us in the critters that we both encountered in our new homes. Hers were spiders, an owl, a snake. Mine have been the giant frigging palmetto bugs that luckily don’t run in packs, but can be found singularly lying on the floor on their backs, looking dead, but often are not. They are terrifying to look at and if they start flying you probably feel the need to run for cover. The second, and worse, critter are the fruit rats, that nest in the palm trees, and come in through the roof, utilizing any small hole they can find. I can relate to the snake, my cat once brought one in the house but that was up north, not here in Florida. When the snake got in her house, she couldn’t find it again, and I had the same issue. The snake in my house went under the couch and was never seen again. A couple of months later, I did find it’s shed skin in a plant that I had by a picture window. But as far as I know, the snake still lives in that house with the new owners.

I just paid someone $225 to go up on the roof and block any holes he found. I have not heard one, or seen one since, so I’m hoping my rat problem has been solved. At least until I cut the palm tree down that they live in on the corner of my house.

I guess one reason I love that movie is because I, like Francesca, as Frances is known in Italy, were both seeking to create a new life when we moved here. She was leaving her divorce behind. I was leaving a lot of bad memories behind… a long, ugly, contentious divorce from a man who turned out to be spiraling into the unknown world of mental illness, a ridiculously bad relationship, that was, as Dan says, the rebound guy. The rebound guy will never be THE guy, and he wasn’t. Neither was Francesca’s. I even waited many years before dating after my divorce, thinking that would keep me from choosing the wrong man. But I did anyway, and I gave it my all. I’m pretty sure she did too.

In the end, I left him behind, and my ex behind, and the house I loved but could not keep if I retired. Now I live in a 900 square ft bungalow where it is warm enough for shorts and flip-flops all the time, save for a few chilly days in the winter. I created a new life, as Francesca did. Made new friends, formed a writers group, and joined a spirit group, hung out with my sister, walked daily by the bay on which Gulfport is located. Up until the virus hit, I went to chair yoga once a week, taught by a close friend and member of the writer’s group. I met Dan, and the ending, if there is one, has yet to be written to that relationship. I stay in the moment with this relationship, without expectations. I try to let it flow down the path of least resistance, and accept whatever that brings. I wake up most days happy to be alone, happy to see the glorious sunrise out my kitchen window, happy to sit on my deck in the warm morning.

Francesca, created the life she dreamed of. I think I’m doing the same. There are two very different stories, but somehow similar.

I still dream of going to Italy before it’s too late. Got to work on my manifestation powers.

Love and light to all.

Not in any particular order.

I am happy to be sleeping in my own bed. I had to remember how to get into it, since it’s about 6” higher off the ground than most beds, including Dan’s. The first time I did it wrong and pulled some muscle near my SI joint. I thought, “Oh shit. This is gonna hurt in the morning.” But it didn’t.

I had a great day yesterday! Instead of our Tues morning coffee klatch at my house, we all met for breakfast in downtown Gulfport at our favorite place. Not sure if “downtown” is an accurate term for a commercial district that is about 3 blocks long. But it’s a good enough term.

Then we watched our good friend, who is part of the group, perform her one-woman, one-act play. It was rehearsal, she’s going to do it for a larger group of friends only. She is so talented.

I had a really good day because I hardly had any pain. I did take half a pain-killer before I went, because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stay for the whole thing. It’s only twice since I left the hospital that I’ve taken anything during the day.

Today I have my first outpatient PT. I sure hope it helps. I’d love to get rid of the nagging pain in my hip, so I could walk more. I hope it doesn’t hurt me much. I will stop doing whatever they tell me if it hurts. (Home health care PT told me if it hurts your body will resist the healing. You have to stop if it hurts.

The hip discomfort originates from my spine. It’s better, which is why I try not to call it “pain”. Because I have had pain there, and this is not pain.

This morning I almost did my exercises given to me by the home health care therapist, but chose not to because I was afraid that combined with the PT I’m going to today, that it might really hurt. So, I’ll wait til I get home.

My friend, the playwright, might come over today or tomorrow. Just to visit.

I ordered from Amazon a swivel stool for my bathtub. I got it yesterday, and put it together. I also got some suction cup grab bars for the walls. Dan tried to put big metal ones in, but behind my tile is cement. The suction cup ones are just easier, and inexpensive from Amazon. This morning I’ll try the stool and grab bars out.

I need someone to go to the store with me for a few things. I know one of my friends would take me. I can use one of those electric carts, but getting from the car to the store might mean walking farther than I can walk without pain. I need to be dropped off at the front door. But I need fruit and veggies. Maybe I need to do Instacart again.

I put on earrings yesterday for the first time in 7 weeks. I was afraid the holes in my ears might have closed. But they didn’t. Happy about that. I even wore makeup. Crazy!

I could go on a rant about 45. I don’t want to though, because I have nothing new to say. I can only say that every day he becomes a bigger sociopath. A bigger liar. Less empathetic. He obviously believes that the truth is what he says, meaning he thinks if he says it, if it comes out of his mouth, it’s true. I lived with someone like that for a long time, and I see 45 on the same sad descent as that person. That pretty soon he might do something so outrageous that he has to be stopped, and that’s scary, because he wields a lot of power, at least for the next few months. Let’s hope his derangement is not that bad, but it seems to me that he is utterly delusional about many things.

Enough said.

Hoping that everyone has a great day. Love and light.

I had two different blogs started in the last couple of days. Then, I closed my laptop and unplugged it after checking the battery to make sure it was charged enough to make the 20 minute trip to my house. My sisters and I were planning a Google Meet session, but when I got to my house I couldn’t get the laptop to reboot, having shut itself down on the 20 minute ride. So, I had to do the meeting on my phone which I am loathe to do because it’s so hard to see on the phone. However, it went well, I could see fine.

Today, since the post I had on there that was incomplete was now lost forever, I started another, and in the middle of it, I got a warning that my computer had problems and it would have to reboot. After waiting about a half hour for that to happen, I just shut it off with the button, and then rebooted it myself about 3 or 4 times and finally! It’s working. (I hope!)

So the news this week is CRAZY! First the damn debate. Yikes, what a shit show. Though I thought Joe did a good job of trying to fend off 45, the creepiest of all when he went after Hunter. Geezus, Joe’s one remaining son. 45 is such a scumbag. Evil, really.

Then, and I guess chronologically it was before the debate, was his nomination for RBG’s seat, and the big party. Which, as it turns out, became what looks like a super spreader event and now 45 has the virus. I don’t wish him ill, but it IS poetic justice, is it not? And if he has it bad, which seems possible based on the info that the dr’s are not giving us, not answering questions about, well….karma is a bitch now, isn’t she? Even his dr is afraid to tell the truth – “was he on oxygen Friday?” No…until today when we find out he was for about an hour, and his dr said something like we wanted to keep the report upbeat….. Sounds a lot like “I didn’t want to cause a panic” by telling the people the truth.

Wow. Just WOW.

In the meantime, I’m going home from Dan’s tomorrow. I’d go today, but it’s raining, and I don’t want to have to unpack the car in the rain. Not to mention slipping on a wet step is what caused the fall that caused all this anyway. I am really kind of afraid to try to walk in it. In the meantime, we are not getting along very well, because he is sick of me being here, he wants his house back. I get it. I want to be home. But I keep wondering, did he think this would be a quick two-week deal and I’d be ok? I have to basically learn to walk again, and get my left leg strong enough to do so. It still causes me a lot of pain if I’m up for very long. I am concerned about what to do about taking a shower, since I have no hand holds in my tub/shower. He said he’d install them, but hasn’t. Not to mention I have no seat to sit on, and I have to climb over the side of the tub to get in…the logistics are ridiculous. I don’t feel comfortable with my set up at home, until he puts the grab bars in the shower. But I’ll figure it out. Maybe stand at the kitchen sink to wash my hair. Which will be hard, but doable. Whatever. I need to get home, and get some peace.

I am doing better. The pool has really helped, and maybe I can get back to it, if things mellow out between us. I’m guessing they will, but then again….I really don’t know, and we are not able to talk about anything that needs to be worked out. Dan doesn’t do those deep intimate conversations, so we don’t do them. He always gets defensive, and it’s hard to come to any conclusion except to leave it alone. He’s been so good to me since the surgery, but this week, he’s not able to keep that up. I’ve tried to explain where I’m at with the whole thing. I was so happy I can drive again, and go in a pool. Small steps, but important ones. I feel like he thought oh, good, she can drive, she’ll go home. And since I haven’t, because I didn’t feel ready, I’m a little (understandably, I think) fearful of falling again, or something. I’ve fallen 3 times since I got home from the hospital, and while it’s been 3 weeks since I last fell, I’m afraid anyway. I’m getting stronger, but not strong enough yet.

So, here I am whining. And wishing I could get out of here tonight.

I got my ballot in the mail yesterday, and I’m going to fill it out and take it to the voting station by my house and put it in one of the permanent drop boxes. FL has been doing mail in ballots for years, so I’m not really worried about it getting there anyway. But I like dropping it off at the collection box.

I hope you all are safe and well. Love and light to all.