There’s still an inner struggle going on, but it’s gone peaceful. No demands for answers, just sitting with it, and knowing the answers will come. He always says to me, “Let it be, D. Let it be. There will be an answer.” For some reason I believe him this time. Not going to worry about being able to deal with the answer. Trust the universe to conspire in my behalf, so even if it doesn’t look like the answer I want, it will be the answer I need.
He’s a smart man.
I spent yesterday morning on the edge of tears. Whenever I was alone, I just faced and tried to weigh my emotions for this man, against the reality of our relationship. All it did was bring me to tears. About lunchtime I realized I had to stop thinking about it, it was making me crazy. I went to lunch, read the book he had given me, then did a quick 10 minute meditation in my car, at the edge of the cove where I spend most of my lunch hours.
When I was driving back to work, I thought, “Do I have to decide right now? Today? Tomorrow? This week?” S is happy with things as they are, I know he is not pressing me to decide what I want. What I decided to do was to let all the questions go for the moment. Put aside all the differences, to deal with later. I want to just BE with him, and enjoy each others company the way we used to. I am so tired of unfulfilled wanting, I just want to stop. Just be. Not to want more than is there.
Let me have some of that God, of just being with him. Let me just surrender all the desire and unfulfilled wanting I have in this relationship, and let it flow, like water. Let happen what’s going to happen. Let me feel gratitude just because he is next to me without wanting more.
In the middle of our serious talk, he made me laugh so hard I couldn’t talk. That has to be worth something, doesn’t i? To both of us?
It rained during the night.
I didn’t even hear it.
But this morning, I woke to a fresh clean world.
Yesterday was gray,
A constant threat of storms.
The air stuck to me
Like an old lover I wanted to forget.
This morning the sunrise breaks through silvery clouds
The scent of a fresh summer rain permeates the landscape
And renews my soul.
I listen to the birdsongs, they carry across time and space
on the almost imperceptible breeze that moves the leaves in the very tops of the trees.
Morning meditation, done with nature all around me.
So Hum
Breath in love on So
Breathe out all that no longer serves me on Hum.
Surrender and let go.
Peace.
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