Catching My Breath

Resting. Sitting back and catching my breath.  It’s been a full, but rather introspective, few days.  Quiet, as thankfully, I have not heard anything from the dark side.  His books were delivered to him today, I just tracked them.  I guess that’s it.  After a year, return the books, and be satisfied with an ugly ending.

I am…satisfied with it. I see now, really, that’s the only way it would end with him.  I mean, he loves the darkness.  It still kind of blows my mind that he consciously chooses that.  I’m grateful that it wasn’t uglier.  I’ve never known anyone who chose darkness and admitted it.

My ex lived in fear of the darkness, but in the end, it finally took him.  He didn’t choose darkness, he just couldn’t figure out how to go to the light.  And now, he can’t understand what happened to his life, and blames everyone and everything except himself.  Or did….I don’t know if that’s still true.  He may have come to terms with the life he chose, now that he’s fallen about as far as he could go.  It gives me no happiness, no pleasure, to see him like this, but it’s his journey, I chose differently.  I have considered calling him, but then I would be sticking my nose in his business.  He knows he can call me, and has done so in the past.

S wanted to know why I thought I was superior because I chose the light.  Superior?   Hardly….But I will say that the light is far superior to the dark.  I am not, just because I chose it. But what I chose?  A single candle can obliterate the darkness. All of our personal power is in the light, in love.  There is none in darkness and fear.

I know this from personal experience, that the universe works through love, that it brings you what you seek in the shortest way possible, once you surrender to it.  Sometimes it comes from exactly the opposite direction you thought it would.

This is what my book is about.  How I discovered the power of unconditional love in my darkest hours.  My biggest fault, I would guess, is that I try to illuminate the path for everyone, and not everyone is open to it.  We each have our own path to walk, and the thing is, even if you choose the darkness….at some time you will be unable to avoid the light. It will surround you, and saturate you, and you will finally have peace.

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To Be, or Not to Be

To be or not to be, that is the question.

To be what?  In love with S?  He isn’t in love with me, though he likes me well enough, likes being with me.  Our relationship was important enough to him to follow through this weekend.  It’s not love, but it’s  nice.   I can’t help but love him and his funny, off beat, intelligent, and quirky personality.  But that’s my problem, lol, not his…..

To be friends with A? I don’t love A, I’m pretty sure he still loves me, it makes me uncomfortable to be close friends wit him and intimate with S.  It just doesn’t feel right to me, I don’t know how to balance it.

To be alone?  I am fine alone, but not all the time.  I enjoy the company of a man.  Particularly S, Most everything we do together is fun.  My problem is I get very attached.  I get a little, and it makes me long for more.

I don’t know where I am this morning.  I am still not wanting to put any parameters on my relationship with S.  I enjoy every minute with him, so why should I not be with him?  I am ever so afraid of heartache down the road with him, but isn’t that the hallmark of most relationships?  You have to take a risk, and as it develops, your fears should subside, right?

I am going to be moving to Florida in a year or so.  I will be moving away, not he.  Our relationship is bound to be changed by that.  There are endless possibilities of how we could manage it.  But what right do I have to be demanding now, when I’m the one who’s going to make the biggest change to our relationship?  I can’t.  I can just be with S for as long as we want to be with each other, as long as we enjoy each others company.

As for A….I was going to send him an email, telling him more or less to bugger off.  I don’t think I will.  I think I will just let that relationship die a slow natural easy death, like going to sleep and not waking up, he and I will just fade into our histories.

To be…in the moment, to be mindful, to learn acceptance and gratitude for what is, and find grace.  I guess I am really getting sick of pushing, and am realizing that it’s not necessary.

To be or not to be?  I think, just let it be.

Trying

  

 

I am still trying to “let it be.”  It is hard. I realize that I am seeking almost constant reassurance.  I guess it’s just scary for me. Probably just as scary for him.  I find myself reaching for him and most of the time pulling back, knowing that often reaching across the distance makes it a wider gap between.  Sometimes it slips past me anyway. 

I guess I should listen to Yoda. 

Peaceful Struggle

There’s still an inner struggle going on, but it’s gone peaceful.  No demands for answers, just sitting with it, and knowing the answers will come.   He always says to me, “Let it be, D.  Let it be. There will be an answer.”  For some reason I believe him this time.  Not going to worry about being able to deal with the answer.  Trust the universe to conspire in my behalf, so even if it doesn’t look like the answer I want, it will be the answer I need.

He’s a smart man.

Just Be

I spent yesterday morning on the edge of tears. Whenever I was alone, I just faced and tried to weigh my emotions for this man, against the reality of our relationship.  All it did was bring me to tears.  About lunchtime I realized I had to stop thinking about it, it was making me crazy.  I went to lunch, read the book he had given me, then did a quick 10 minute meditation in my car, at the edge of the cove where I spend most of my lunch hours.

When I was driving back to work, I thought, “Do I have to decide right now?  Today? Tomorrow?  This week?”  S is happy with things as they are, I know he is not pressing me to decide what I want.  What I decided to do was to let all the questions go for the moment.  Put aside all the differences, to deal with later.  I want to just BE with him, and enjoy each others company the way we used to.  I am so tired of unfulfilled wanting, I just want to stop.  Just be.  Not to want more than is there.

Let me have some of that God, of just being with him.  Let me just surrender all the desire and unfulfilled wanting I have in this relationship, and let it flow, like water.  Let happen what’s going to happen.  Let me feel gratitude just because he is next to me without wanting more.

In the middle of our serious talk, he made me laugh so hard I couldn’t talk.  That has to be worth something, doesn’t i?  To both of us?

Morning Meditation

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It rained during the night.

I didn’t even hear it.

But this morning, I woke to a fresh clean world.

Yesterday was gray,

A constant threat of storms.

The air stuck to me

Like an old lover I wanted to forget.

This morning the sunrise breaks through silvery clouds

The scent of a fresh summer rain permeates the landscape

And renews my soul.

I listen to the birdsongs, they carry across time and space

on the almost imperceptible breeze that moves the leaves in the very tops of the trees.

Morning meditation, done with nature all around me.

So Hum

Breath in love on So

Breathe out all that no longer serves me on Hum.

Surrender and let go.

Peace.