
Last time I saw you
You were unsure and afraid
Painful memories.
Were they even real?
Only love is ever real.
Let it ease your pain.

Last time I saw you
You were unsure and afraid
Painful memories.
Were they even real?
Only love is ever real.
Let it ease your pain.

The picture above is the view from my sisters deck, which I look out at, as I write this. It is uncommonly beautiful here this time of year. Those mountains are the edge of the Blue Ridge Mountains. You can see at the top left of the picture how the mountains are rising, higher and higher. That’s where the Blue Ridge are, Shenandoah National Park, and Skyline Drive. It is cloudy today, as you can see, and warm and muggy. I can hear thunder in the distance, and it echoes off the mountains.
I am removed from the crazy world I’ve been in for the last couple of months. It is peaceful here, thought provoking. It is also humbling. It’s like when you are at the ocean, and reminded of your tiny but important place in the world because the expanse of the ocean is so vast and beautiful. Here it is the massiveness of the mountains towering around you that does the same. These mountains are not like the Rockies, not jagged, not high enough to have tree-lines with just rock above. But high enough, to make you sit back and catch your breath, and put you in your place.
Before my mother died, actually long before, we, her daughters, and asked her many times to write out her life history, because we felt it was remarkable, and she was remarkable, and that we’d like to be able to pass it along to our own children, so they would know where they came from. Mom worked on it from time to time, over the last 15 years of her life. In the 6 months or so before she had her stroke, she was working diligently on it. She would go to the library and look things up, and write, and make notes. She was 93 when she was doing this. That alone is a remarkable feat.
My sister who took care of her for the later part of her life, found all her notes, and all that she had written, and has compiled it into a biography, which is actually an autobiography, since Mom wrote most of it, but my sister had to edit it, and try to decipher my mother’s 93 year old handwriting.
My sister also has done our genealogy back a long long ways, on my mother’s side. There are very good family records, and she found a lot on Ancestry and another site. She found out that one family, the Redfields, could be followed back to John and Priscilla Alden and the Mayflower. I had also followed it a long long time ago, and given her one branch, of my mother’s fathers family, that went back to the year 1010 in England, and ending perhaps in France, that I got from Ancestry. That branch had ties to one of the founding fathers of the state I now live in, Connecticut. So we have this huge compilation of where we come from.
I don’t think this is unusual. I’ve heard that if you go back 7 generations we are all connected. It is fascinating, however, to actually trace your own roots, to see the names of your great-to-the-power-of-8 grandparents. Where they were born and died, and when.
Most of my mother’s ancestors moved to the midwest of the US, to Indiana, in the early 1800’s. I always think that those people, were so incredibly brave. To leave the settled part of the country, the east coast, and venture 1000 miles west, at a time when there were no roads, no infrastructure, no nothing. Outposts and trading posts, and some really rich farmland. So they went, and struggled and created a life out of wilderness.
So so gutsy.
Anyway, that’s where my head it at. Grateful for those that came before me, so that I could have the wonderful life I have. Grateful for the strong hearts and minds that they passed down to me. And which I took for granted for much of my life. When I look at the things I think I “struggle” over, I have to remember them. And have a little perspective on my life.
Love and light everyone.

Don’t stand on the shore
Dreaming of distant places.
Get in the water.
Picture is of a pillow on my bed. A quote by Rabindranath Tagore.
Even when you’re frazzled and on your last nerve and not a lot of sleep, check your flight itinerary. Especially if you made the reservations a long while ago.
I thought my flight left at 8:25 this morning. Because I was in too much of a hurry to actually read it. So at 7 AM I am at the airport. I went to check the gate, and realized my flight doesn’t leave til 10:15.
10:15.
I could be in bed.
Good thing my laptop is with me. I can work on what I want to say about my mom. And blog. Right now I’m having breakfast.
Geezus. Not a good way to start a day. But I’m sure it will end better than it started. 😊
Love and light.
So I think I’m all packed. I think my house is clean. I think the woman I’m training is going to be totally frazzled when I get back. I painted my own toenails.
As if it wasn’t enough to get ready to leave for 5 days, I got a notice that someone wanted to see my house for a 2nd viewing on Sunday, which is really good news. It means they are interested. But it also meant that after I got home at 6:30 tonight, I had to pack, and make sure the house was spotless, no signs of life. And then…My son is gonna be here tomorrow, he’s not coming to VA until Sunday. So he’s going to be responsible for making sure it’s the way I leave it, when he leaves Sunday.
Well, wish me luck. It would be so nice if I could get this house sold, and get things underway.
But, at any rate, I’m off for 5 days with my sisters, and nieces and nephews and my son, and I couldn’t be happier about it. I’ll still be here, probably not as much, but perhaps more inspired when I am. My laptop is coming with me. I’ll post pics if I get any. It’s really a beautiful place, up in the Blue Ridge Mtns, just out side of Shenandoah.
I’ll see you on the flip side….
Love and light, everyone.
Woke up early this morning, around 4, but stayed in bed til 5:30, dozing on and off. Having my coffee on the deck, on a cloudy gray cool summer morning, I felt some real sadness today. I don’t know why, but I think sometimes it’s just the knowledge that my son will be living 2000 miles away soon that bubbles to the surface. I thought about my own Mother, and how all her girls moved away, many miles at one time or the other. I remembered how she never ever made us feel guilty about it. How she supported us through it, how she knew that we all had to find our own way.
I took strength from that this morning. I did a guided meditation on Change. Trying to assimilate that change is part of life, and that what my son is doing I can be happy he is doing. It can only be good for him.
I’ll miss him, but I know we will be in much closer contact than my own mother and I were, thanks to cell phones. And it will be good for me too, to actually begin a new life in Avalon (my Florid house), a new beginning. It will be just myself there. I can finally, fully grow into my own being, I think.
Change is hard, transition is difficult, probably for everyone. But I’ll make it through. And so will my son.
I’m really glad we have the family reunion to go to this weekend. I feel like it will cement the family ties more, it will create a wonderful memory for my son who grew up an only child, distant from extended family.
It’s all good. It’s all hard, but it’s all good.
Love and light, all.

Laughing at the stars,
Love greeting the rising sun
I have no regrets
My sisters and all of our kids are going to meet in Virginia at my older sisters house this weekend, for 5 days. We are going to take my mom’s remains and lay them next to my father, who was waiting for her for almost 30 years. I know they’re together now, even if I hadn’t gone to a psychic who told me they were together. It will be warm and sweet and poignant and loving. And fun, we always always have enjoyed each other’s company, thanks to my mom in large part, who never fostered sibling rivalry, but only sibling love.
I have to write something to say when we do this. I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of weeks, and ideas are starting to form in my head. Which is a good thing, but now I have to get them into some semblance of order, and then figure out how to say them or read them without crying.
I’m taking my computer with me, because God forbid I couldn’t write for 5 days. But I won’t be around as much, for sure. Guessing that I’ll start my day writing, as usual.
It seems that a few of the blogs I follow have suddenly taken hiatus, for short periods to refresh themselves. I probably will do the same, while I am there. But not completely, because this is how I work things out, and absorb things, and assimilate. Often a blog leads me to somewhere where I didn’t plan to go, but there I am. Last night’s blog about a larger perspective is a good example. I did not expect it to work out with the realization that I need to open my heart again….but I’m grateful that it did, and that the wisdom came through me somehow.
Maybe it was a consequence of sending reiki to Scott yesterday, unbidden, because I felt he needed it. I haven’t felt like it in a long while, for reasons which are pretty obvious. I didn’t want to strengthen a connection that causes me pain. Yesterday, I didn’t feel it caused me any pain. it was just something I could do, and I felt it might benefit him, and so I did. And the lovely thing about reiki is that when you give it, you get it, because it passes through you. As a practitioner, you are only a conduit. I’m glad I got back to the space where I could do that, send it to him. I know of no one who needs the loving energy of the universe more, if he’s open to that receiving it, and sending it confirms to me that I’m healing in the direction I want to go. Opening my heart, not so much to him, because the love I have felt for him is in the end always there, but I think that I let go of some fear, and that’s a blessing. I feel for the first time in weeks, that I could talk to him without anger or pain. Not that I’m going to (I see horrified looks on some of my friend’s faces….), but that at the moment, I could do this, and hold my own, lovingly without anger. It might just be temporary, but its where I’d rather be. Not filled with anger and fear, not constantly remembering what he did, but trying to remember that it was the best he could do, and using that larger perspective to forgive.
So on to my sisters, and my family. I’m leaving Saturday morning. My son is coming Sunday. Gonna make some memories. 🙂
Love and light, everyone.

I lifted my gaze.
Doing so, opened my heart.
Miracles fell in.
Photo from Google Images
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