Tag Archives: cheating

FB Shocker, a Complete Story of S’s Betrayal

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had a shocker tonight.  S always said that he didn’t have a FB account, that his employer didn’t allow it, or want it.  I believed him, why not?  I never checked, but tonight, just fooling around, I found him easily. And his girlfriend.  Wow….just another punch to the stomach on how stupid I am, or was, how easily I believed him.  I mean wow, that must have been so much fun, it must have felt so cool to deceive me.  Like it was so hard…like I didn’t love and adore him. \

Your specialty S.  Lies and deception.  How is it even any fun, when it was so easy with me?  When you said there was no challenge with me, I didn’t realize you meant there wasn’t any challenge in deceiving me, in wrapping me up in your lies.  I thought it was because I made sure you knew who I was, and you didn’t have to work at it to find out.

I sent him a friend request.  LOL.

It is very tempting to bring her out of her “ignorant bliss”.  I have all the texts from the week before he dumped me in the trash.  I wonder if she’d like to read them?  He always said she said if he cheated on her that was it.  He freaked out that day when I said I was going to make sure she knew what he was doing all week with me. God it’s tempting.  Really tempting.  He would call me vindictive.  Yeah.  Exactly.  He totally deserves it, and more.

I’m not really interested in further engaging him, (well ok I just sent him a hateful text, well deserved.  But he’s blocked and cannot answer it.) nor am I interested in getting her up-to-date.  Any woman who would do what she did deserves what she gets.  If, and it’s a big if, what he told me about her was true.  I have a feeling the truth was bent and stretched, and that he’s been trying to get her to leave her husband all summer.  In fact, I’m positive he was seeing her all summer.  It’s why I didn’t see him. He wanted to keep us both.  But she didn’t know about me, or at least, not the truth.  She commented on a post he made about his friend dyning back in April.  That’s when their communication started up again, that’s why he began pushing me away then. Not because he was broken up over his friends passing, but because she was back in his life. Here I was running to his side worried about him.   Asshole.  It all makes sense now, but dang, I am really just so stupid.  I am glad though, to have clarity on who he is, what he was doing, and what happened to me.

As I said, I would prefer to just get as far the fuck away from those two low lifes as possible.  She has a dragon fly as her profile picture.  Maybe that’s why I saw one the other day, to warn me.  She’s about a spiritual as the prison whore. Dragonfly my ass.  Greenhead fly, the kind that bites your ass and leaves a bruise.  Whore. Bitch. User.

It kind of makes me sick, to think I was intimate with him, while he was seeing her.  Slimy, like I was with a slimy slug.  Real creepy.  I’m lucky I didn’t get a disease.

Deceitful.  Sick.  Liar.  Liar liar.  I wish his pants could be set on fire.

A week ago he was trying to convince me that he cared for me.  Geezus, I’d hate to see what he’d have done if he didn’t care for me.

Not that it matters now.  I am over him, I’m over our non-fake-self-serving-him relationship, and if I wasn’t quite over it before, to find out he deceived me in this way would have done it anyway.  I mean, why?  But why, is the question with anything he does.  It is all self serving, and designed to make him feel important.  It’s the sign of  someone who has no self esteem whatsoever, and steals it from who ever is stupid enough, or loves him enough, to give it to him.

He’s gonna be nervous now, that I’m going to tell her what he’s been up to with me.  Let him sweat it out.  It would be good for him.  He hated that I was on here, speaking my truth.  Said I was “trashing” him all over the internet.  My God, he deserved 1000 times worse than I ever said about him.  He is the epitome of a filthy dirtbag.  I didn’t know.  He’s a good actor.

God, what a scumbag.

Anyway, I had a lovely day.  I was at my BFF’s for awhile, watching movies and hanging out.  I am waiting for A to get home from working on his house, he wanted to talk to me tonight.  I got a lot done around the house, and did some cooking for this week. I’ve been having a nice conversation with a seemingly nice man, who has family and grandkids, and seems happy to share himself.

Soon, S will just be a pimple on the ass of my memory.  That’s all.  My belief in unconditional love is being sorely tested at the moment.  Can I stay with it?  I don’t know, I honestly don’t know.

Set Back

Posted on by learning to live like water

I set myself back today, way back. I was so good this morning. And I cried all the way home, and haven’t stopped.  He started off with an angry text because of my last blog, Questions Without Answers.  I apologize to all of you, who were cheering me on.

First off, he’s with her.  Why is he even reading my blogs, and 2nd, why does he care what I write? What does it matter, she’s his life now, what I say is just peripheral, and should have no effect on him.  I have to write.  It’s my only outlet.  My friends are sick of listening to me cry.  Complain.  Bitch.  And cry some more.  I can’t even tell A, he has been so good to me, he loves me, but even he will want to excuse himself if I start up with him again.  This is all I have, and he hovers over it as if he cared, but he doesn’t.

He says he apologized.  I said, yes you apologized for choosing her, and breaking my heart.  You didn’t ever apologize for telling via text, like a 14 yr old adolescent boy, hit and run.  “I’m with someone else and I’m busy and I don’t want to talk about it.”  Never.  No apology.  You should have been here, face to face, and dealt with the devastation you caused like a man.  Not left me in the street bleeding. Not treated me like yesterday’s trash.

But this is all repetitive.

We texted for about 3 hours.  I told him that calling him a 14 yr old adolescent was only stating the obvious.  That everyone’s first words, were “Really???  Like a teenager?? How old is this guy?”  No one needed me to tell them how immature and cruel and thoughtless that was.

But it’s water over the dam now.  He wants her, I don’t want him.  Well, I do.  I will for a long time.  But he wants her, even if he didn’t want her, I could never ever expose my heart to this much pain again.

He told me I wasn’t devastated, just jealous.  Wow…..I said, Yeah I’m jealous.  A woman who is a whore, a bitch and a bimbo is sleeping with the man I love.  You BET I am jealous.

After I’d said that about 5 times, he asked why I keep trashing her.  I said, I call a spade a spade.  I had to learn to read people when I was married and divorcing a manipulative asshole.    She #1) makes sure she gets paid for her time with you.  A new kitchen, a new car, maybe help with her credit card debt.  Who knows this time, probably help with her divorce.  Just like the prison whore, just the stakes are higher.  No different than the $50 you paid the prison whore, just cost you way more. She #2) left you when you were diagnosed with untreatable liver cancer.  (A miracle experimental drug saved his life).  If that’s not being a total bitch, and devoid of any human feeling, I don’t know what is. She thought you were dying, and she left you. She #3) left you then, as soon as you were done with the kitchen, I think you said the day later on your birthday…to marry some man she’d been cheating on you with.  That’s a bimbo.  The definition of all 3, in Websters, should have her picture.  I asked him what he did to piss her off.  Because he says he hates my temper.  I said, oh, yeah, well I do have a temper, and I lose it and then I get over it, and I don’t hold a grudge once something is settled it’s settled.  I don’t store it up, so that I can fuck someone up 6 months later when they are at their most vulnerable moment.  Personally, I think THAT’S a bad temper.  And a devious one, and a manipulative one.  Mine, is flat out anger, at injustice usually. It is fiery for a few minutes.  Seems to me, that would be easier to deal with than having someone leave you when you’re sick, after they’ve gotten 10’s of $1000’s from you, to be with someone they cheated on you with.  But that’s just me.  I’d take the honesty any day.

And then I said, so she comes back to you.  And she’s so sweet and cunning, isn’t she….you just can’t resist….You don’t even know where she’s been all week?  Do you care? It is sickening, that that’s the kind of woman he wants.  Just sickening.  Fucked up.  Royally.

I think that’s when he told me to leave him alone.  But I didn’t….because I was on a roll.  And he didn’t either. But we did say some t things that weren’t ugly, that we both needed to say.  And I ended up in the bathroom at work, sitting in there, crying. Wondering how I was gonna finish the day.  Not devastated?  No, decimated.  Crushed. Used Up. Wrecked. Shattered.  Broken.  Bruised.  Beat up. DEVASTATED.

Someone else is in his bed and his heart, no, I’m not devastated.  He is denying it, but he knows it’s true.  He knows I loved him more than I can say.  He knows I gave him everything I could give him, and asked for nothing.  Those things he knows.

I will never ever be the same.  I will be ok, I will recover, but I will never ever be the same.  I will look twice before I trust again.  Maybe 3, 4, 10 times.  100 times.  I will hold onto my heart, and probably fuck it up with a good man because I’m so fucking scared to give my heart away again.  I’ll never go to a beach around here without wishing he were with me.  Good thing I’m moving.  New beaches, new places, where he won’t be ghosting my psyche all the time.  Even the town he lives in, I won’t want to go to anymore.  And it’s a beautiful little town. Lots of tourists because it’s so beautiful.

He wanted me to go to the beach with him yesterday, why didn’t I go?  “Do you think I want to see you when you are sleeping with someone else?  Do you think I want to look in those eyes and see someone else’s reflection?  Are you THAT cold, that you think that would be ok with me?”

He blasted me for being online, on a dating site.  Why does he care?  What does he expect.  Yes, I said.  Of course I am.  Of course I’m looking for a man that will soothe my aching heart, and make me forget about you.

So, I have been messaging with a nice man, looks nice in his pics, loves the ocean like me.  Seems we have something in common.  My heart isn’t in it, but I’m going to meet him for coffee after work one day, because I have to force myself to get out there, and stop sitting home making myself sick.  I got a nice message from a different man today, but too busy to check him out. I might respond, just to put the energy out there, just to get used to trying to deal with the fact that this is where I’m at. That the man I love wants someone else, and ruined me. The fact that she’s the kind of woman she is, only rubs salt in the wound. I have to start from square 1 again.

So, I guess I need to stop talking to him, again, because this is all that’s going to happen.  I’m gonna miss him more, and hurt more, and still know we can never be together.  I just want to curl up in a ball and hide out.    He’s gonna get an ego boost out of my pain.  He’s going to keep me engaged.  I need to let go.

It’s only been a week and 2 days.  I guess I shouldn’t be beating myself up so much for still wanting him so much.