Woke unsettled this morning.  I think it’s him again, he is always so depressed before the winter solstice anyway, with the short dark days.  He’s suffered from depression for most of his life.

I want to say, well no wonder….look how he lives.

But I have to just let it go, it’s his to deal with. I did a meditation, I turned the energy back around to him, cut the cords, again.  Asked his soul to fly away and to leave me be.

I thought about his cold cold lies.  His beautiful blue eyes lying to me.  Were they laughing?  I feel sad for him, it all caught up to him, and I’m sure he’s having a hard time.  Well….so did I.  I’ve made it through, but for me it’s just a matter of recognizing him and letting it all go.  I can still see his soul, the one he won’t even acknowledge that he has. Knowing he could only do what he did, because of where his head was at.  I will always feel affection for who I know hides behind the chaos he creates for himself. But it’s like you might feel for a wayward child, not the love of a woman for a man.

He has to deal with his head being in that place, repeatedly.  Hurting people who loved him, killing off their love for him.  Leaving him alone.

Much harder to face.  He used to say he was impulsive, he didn’t have a filter.  And after would say, “Oh…man, I won’t do that again.”  He may want to rethink that lifestyle, and try to do things that won’t blow up in his face, and in the process rip lives apart.

But whatever he does, I need to actively pursue cutting the energy cords with him, sending them back to him, or into the universe.  Setting myself completely free of him.  It’s one thing to tell him about the concern over his health, but another to wake up feeling his depression over the state he’s in.

He never could let me go…so I have to set myself free.  The fact that we do not talk doesn’t mean that there isn’t intense communication being attempted at levels we cannot comprehend.

I have not heard from A again.  I may, when he leaves this woman’s house.  LOL.  I idly wonder if he’s still going to see the Michigan woman.  I hope he finds what he’s looking for, because I know that I could never be it for him.  I also know if I could have been…there would be no Tobi, no Michigan woman.  I hope he doesn’t make a mistake in his pursuit of a relationship.  He’s so impulsive, and he pushes things far beyond their natural state.  It’s like he feels he has to lock it up, or it will disappear, instead of letting it grow.  He told me the other day that I was the one who keeps breaking his heart.  I want to say….then let it be broken, and let it heal.  Like I had to to with S.  He wants to bury the pain.  He is not much more aware than S of the repercussions of what he does.

I sure know how to pick dysfunctional men.  Maybe the third time will be the charm, if I get a third chance.  LOL.  I’m going to use the law of attraction, and visualize the man I want, over and over.  Somewhere in the middle of that spectrum between total deception and total neediness.

Florida.  Maybe in Florida there is someone looking for a woman who can love, and be loved.  Who’s slightly outside the box.  And rather outspoken.  I see things pretty clearly, and am not afraid to talk about what I see.  It endears me to some people.

Even though I know energy can travel over distance, in fact, distance is not even a factor with energy, I feel like when I am moved to Florida I will feel free of all this emotional chaos.  I will have other, new chaos, as I resettle in a new place, without my huge support base.  But I think it will be a smooth transition, calmed by being close to the sea, and warm water, and family nearby.

I feel like I’ll be free there.  Finally.