That dream had me freaked out almost all day.  I say “almost” because I had forgotten in my anguish, the one, probably most important, thing that happened.

When S got mad at me, in the dream, for being jealous when he talked about his “girlfriend” while he was with me.  He said, in the dream, “why do you want to ruin our good time being jealous?”  It is something he would say, if he were there.  It is exactly what he would say.  My response?   I told him he had to leave.  I told him he had to leave.

This is huge….

Instead of accepting the little bit of himself he offered, in exchange for my whole heart, I told him, through my tears and my grief, that he had to leave. It was exactly how I felt, severe loss, and grief, and pain, but also the impossibility of accepting the only offer on the table.  I claimed myself as worthy of more, as valuable.  I claimed my beliefs for myself, my respect, my beautiful soul for my own, to give to someone who would give me more than S could ever offer me.

I’m ok tonight.  I still think that it was more than a dream, because of the realness of it.  Because it continued the conversation which made me block him 5 days ago.  Five days ago, he told me not to tell anyone I loved him, and missed him, if I didn’t want to be with him. Or something close to that.  Finally I said, “why are you arguing with me about this, as if it mattered?  Why do you fuck with my head like this?  Just leave me alone and go be with your “girlfriend” if that’s what she is.”  To which he responded with an adolescent vulgarity.

I remember every second of the dream, or whatever it was that happened in the wee hours of the night, I remember it all. We were in my bedroom. But until later today, I didn’t remember that I took myself back, and told him to leave. I didn’t accept him treating me as a second class citizen, unworthy of his care and concern, and worthy of the pain has endlessly been giving me.   I didn’t accept that I was unworthy of being loved, I accepted that I was, and that even though I loved him and do love him, I don’t accept what he offers me.

I still want to see the psychic, I still have questions that need answering.

Magically, when I remembered how I stood up and told him to leave, for the first time, I could envision him as smaller, more distant in my head.  Moving away from me.  Just someone that I used to love…

It was a relief.  Just a relief.

I still have the issues with A to resolve, but A is a loving soul and won’t make it hard.  He’ll make it easy for me.  Those issues don’t have to be solved right now.

Whatever it was, a dream, a visitation, a trip into the astral plane….it was a turning point for me.  I would guess there will still be a few waves, but right now I don’t see any and that’s a start.  If I see any, I can remember that i told him he had to leave.