Where The Light Enters

The wound is the place where the light enters you ~ Rumi #quote #wisewords drawn into a Moleskine Notebook:

Yes, well, Rumi.   It certainly is.  When we are wounded so deeply, we have to search deep in order to rediscover our value.  Rejection, wounding, shake our foundations, don’t they?  We have to look deep, and somehow let that light in so we know, once again, we have value just because we exist.

We cannot find our value externally. tt exists within us, always.  Through this lifetime from the moment we are born, and into the next one, if you adhere to that school of thought.  The question is, how do we want to live this life, this one precious life? Searching for the validation that already exists within, that we are connected to the one great thing, looking for someone else to tell us we belong?  Or…do we want to take the beautiful soul that is each of ours and find another soul who can join us in a journey to go deeper, higher, more joyfully?

The light enters the wound, because we all make the wrong choice at some point. Or at least most of us.  I think this life is meant to evolve our souls, and there is no growth without pain.  We were meant to make the mistakes, we were meant to live through them, we were meant to learn from them.  Then, the light enters the wounds, illuminates the lessons, and makes us glow.

I think there are people that cross our paths that can see us glow.  I also think there are people who cross our paths that cannot see it.  Just because someone can’t see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.  It means that their state of consciousness doesn’t let them yet see it.  I think when the light enters our wounds, we are bound to spread that light to others whose darkness doesn’t let them yet shine.

I feel like the light has entered my wounds, it is fast at work making parts of me glow that I thought had died.  I find that I have some attachment to the wounds, that they remind me how I loved, and loved loving.  But the light says, you can love again, and it won’t leave these wounds.

I saw a crack in the one who wounded me the other day, I saw the armor not completely sealing him.  I hope he lets the light in, I hope he finds a life that can bring him joy for the rest of his years on this earth. I hope he doesn’t waste this one precious life, settling for what is easy.  I hope he finds a life worth working passionately for.  I hope the light can enter his old, and deep wounds and let his self worth begin to glow.  It would make me happy to see that transformation.  It would also bring meaning and purpose beyond the lessons I already have learned, if those things rippled out to him and others.

I got the nicest comment on a blog this morning, where someone thanked me for being a blog that constantly inspired them.  This is really one of the main purposes of blogging for me, to share the lessons and let the light shine that was given to me. It was wonderful to wake up to read that, and know that my words helped someone else.  I hope the light that wrote those words that helped that person shines on everyone, even him.  Maybe, especially him.

Hurt people hurt people.  I have done it, hurt others, even him, when I have been hurt.  But now, I want to shine the light, whatever light I have, be it just one candle or a floodlight, on others.  I don’t want to hurt anyone again, if I can help it. And I can.

Let the light in.  More wounds, maybe mean more light can get in.  Maybe our souls and hearts can be mended like the Japanese custom, with gold, so that they have even more value than before they were wounded.  Let your wounds glow, and let us all light the world.

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I Had Forgotten

That dream had me freaked out almost all day.  I say “almost” because I had forgotten in my anguish, the one, probably most important, thing that happened.

When S got mad at me, in the dream, for being jealous when he talked about his “girlfriend” while he was with me.  He said, in the dream, “why do you want to ruin our good time being jealous?”  It is something he would say, if he were there.  It is exactly what he would say.  My response?   I told him he had to leave.  I told him he had to leave.

This is huge….

Instead of accepting the little bit of himself he offered, in exchange for my whole heart, I told him, through my tears and my grief, that he had to leave. It was exactly how I felt, severe loss, and grief, and pain, but also the impossibility of accepting the only offer on the table.  I claimed myself as worthy of more, as valuable.  I claimed my beliefs for myself, my respect, my beautiful soul for my own, to give to someone who would give me more than S could ever offer me.

I’m ok tonight.  I still think that it was more than a dream, because of the realness of it.  Because it continued the conversation which made me block him 5 days ago.  Five days ago, he told me not to tell anyone I loved him, and missed him, if I didn’t want to be with him. Or something close to that.  Finally I said, “why are you arguing with me about this, as if it mattered?  Why do you fuck with my head like this?  Just leave me alone and go be with your “girlfriend” if that’s what she is.”  To which he responded with an adolescent vulgarity.

I remember every second of the dream, or whatever it was that happened in the wee hours of the night, I remember it all. We were in my bedroom. But until later today, I didn’t remember that I took myself back, and told him to leave. I didn’t accept him treating me as a second class citizen, unworthy of his care and concern, and worthy of the pain has endlessly been giving me.   I didn’t accept that I was unworthy of being loved, I accepted that I was, and that even though I loved him and do love him, I don’t accept what he offers me.

I still want to see the psychic, I still have questions that need answering.

Magically, when I remembered how I stood up and told him to leave, for the first time, I could envision him as smaller, more distant in my head.  Moving away from me.  Just someone that I used to love…

It was a relief.  Just a relief.

I still have the issues with A to resolve, but A is a loving soul and won’t make it hard.  He’ll make it easy for me.  Those issues don’t have to be solved right now.

Whatever it was, a dream, a visitation, a trip into the astral plane….it was a turning point for me.  I would guess there will still be a few waves, but right now I don’t see any and that’s a start.  If I see any, I can remember that i told him he had to leave.