I don’t know what to do.

After all the stupid bs with S in the last 12 hours, I needed to put it to rest and focus on my own life.  I was afraid he was going to so freak out that he’d show up at my house, with his eyes glazed over or something.  (Not that I’ve ever seen him like that, but he’s got a temper and he used to just withdraw when he lost it, because, he said, “people get hurt when I get mad.”)  So in an effort to avoid another ugly scene, I called and left him a voice mail, trying to reassure him I had no interest in communicating with Betty Boop.  But if he needed to talk to me about it, to reassure himself, then to leave me a voice mail and I’d call him back. I have not heard so I guess he’s ok with it.  I hope.

That’s the end of it for me.  I got my answers, finally, as to what happened to our relationship, and now I can leave it in peace.  What goes on between the two of them, whatever happens, I want it to be a result of the way they treat and respect and care for each other, I want nothing to do with it. It’s so far from anything I’d even dream of, I can leave it behind me without another thought.

When I got home, it was already late, and I’d promised A I would call so we could discuss him coming here for Christmas.  I had a headache from work which is insanely busy as I cover two desks, and from the ridiculous situation with S.  It all gave me a massive headache.

I don’t want to talk to A about the S situation.  It’s too stupid and sick to even tell someone.  I think he is sick to death of hearing about S, as am I, but the guy keeps popping into my life from the sidelines.  So I didn’t tell A about the dream, or about all the lies I uncovered today, because it’s all irrelevant to anything except giving me the answers I wanted.  Well, it was relevant I guess, because it distracted me.  I don’t feel I can talk to  him about it, bottom line.

I thought A was going camping until Dec. 29 and he could come here the next day and stay until I went back to work, the 5th.  He got so excited, that without discussing it, he canceled his camping plans and now wants to come for 2 weeks.  And that terrifies me, I would like 5 or 6 days, but 2 weeks?  I don’t want to live with him….I really care for him, and it will hurt him if I don’t want it.  I don’t want to hurt him, but man he’s always jumping ahead of me.

Before I called him, I sat in silence, and did about a 10 minute self-reiki session.  Trying to unblock myself, trying to be able to hear what my intuition is telling me.  My third eye chakra was friggin pulsing.  My heart felt blocked.  I think that even though I was over S before I even found them out, to discover the huge mass of lies just made my heart chakra close up a little.  Or a lot.  I don’t know.

So A and I talked.  He’s flying across the country, he wants to stay for a while.  While I get that, I’m not ready for it.  I don’t want company for that long, I am so independent, I am not ready for him to move in here, with no options to stay anywhere else.  He wants us to see how we are for the long haul, I want to spend 2 weeks together when I know already that I want it.

I told A I needed to run it by my son, because he lives here, and I think he deserves a say in it.  My son’s reaction was like mine, 2 weeks?  That’s a long time.

When I hung up, I felt pressured.  I told him he always jumps in and gets so far ahead of where I am.  This is all why I don’t think a long distance relationship will work for me.  It has to grow on me, I can’t force it.  I’m afraid A has grown on me as much as he’s going to.  And I know he’s so in love with me.  I’m trying really, I’ve always tried.

I asked him to let it roll around my head for another day or two. Maybe I’m just worn out. I don’t think that’s it.  I just don’t have the energy to have to pull in the reins on him,constantly.  Not when I’ve just gotten my hands burned letting them go with S. I just need to be alone I think.  Even though I’m sick of being alone.

I guess I already know what the answer is. It’s gonna break his heart.