It was 7° this morning when I went to get fasting bloodwork done at 6 AM.  I have an appointment with my endocrinologist next week.  It’s just routine.  But dang…bad enough to be out at 6 am, let alone have it cold enough to freeze the buggars in your nose.

Seems my mind was a little cluttered today.  Scott, Maggie, online communications, work….

I found myself wanting to call him this morning, leave a voice mail, just saying, “I miss you.”  But I didn’t.  I know he doesn’t want to hear from me, just one of those things I know.  Why I would miss him….when I stand back and observe myself, I have no idea, except it’s that connection, that just tugs at me every once in awhile.  I got over it, I was glad I didn’t.  If he heard that it would be like a pass for him.  Like asking to get set up again.  No matter what our infinite relationship is, the one here in this world is on hold, or non-existent, for the time being.  As it should be.

But I do still, see his soul, and not all the bullshit he hides it under.  I suppose I always will, I always have.  That light, when he exposes it, is blindingly beautiful.  He just never lets it stay lit.   And I’m also real, and I don’t want to ever go through something like that again.  Until he can learn to value love, he will always be sad and alone, I’m afraid.

Tomorrow I have to take Maggie to the vet for surgery.  I’m going to be praying all night that I don’t have to have her put down.

I began a conversation with a man online tonight that for some reason seem hopeful to me.  He likes the beach and said maybe I can teach him to find sea glass.   He’s nice looking in his picture too.  And he lives fairly close, no more than 20 minutes from me.  I can only hope.  So often they go nowhere.

I’m feeling so much more settled tonight with everything.  Peaceful.  Just concerned about Maggie’s surgery tomorrow.

I guess this blog tonight was for de-cluttering, lol.

Love and light, everyone.