I am officially on vacation for a week.  No work.  Sigh.  Tomorrow I drive up to the Adirondack Mtns of upstate NY.  It should be a beautiful 4 hour drive.  Through the Berkshires Mts of Massachussetts, and then the Adirondacks.   It will be the longest trip I’ve ever taken alone.  Me and my music and my thoughts.  It’s going to be a beautiful day.

Today, I pretty much cut A loose.  We will remain friends, but it always creeps toward intimacy and I just can’t go there with him.  #1, I don’t feel it for him.  Sometimes, I wish he was around, because he is good to me, it’s all about me, but then, it’s just too much for me with him.  I don’t know if that’s because I am such a one-man woman, I just don’t feel right being intimate, even just talking, with someone when I want to be with someone else.  And I don’t want to maintain an intimate relationship with anyone that I might see once or twice a year.  Long distance is not what I want.

And that someone else, well, there’s not much to say about him. I’m not saying I want to be with him, because that means something different to each of us.  Right now…we are on opposite sides of the moon, (he’ll say he’s on the dark side of the moon I have no doubt).  But whatever, even though I miss him so much, I am not willing to go over to what he wants, at least what I think he wants.  He tells me I am wrong about him, but not how I am wrong.  I only have his words and actions to go by.  Could be that he doesn’t know what he wants, or that it changes frequently, neither of which is bad, it just implies that he needs time to himself to figure it out.  Maybe it means that he wants to have his cake and eat it too.  We used to laugh over that phrase, who doesn’t want to eat their cake?  But I think it’s meant to convey that you can’t have it both ways, i.e. he can’t have me only when he wants me, so until he wants more of me, he can’t have me.  Or it could be that I’m just wrong, but I don’t feel like I am.  Idk, S….talk to me.  Tell me.  I’m listening.

On top of that, it infuriates him that I write about him here.  It’s a problem, because he is so much a part of my thoughts, I can’t write a cohesive complete thought without mentioning him.  I will try though, I will try out of respect for his wishes.   It’s just another way in which we are opposites.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, I will put myself out there.  I believe vulnerability is just necessary, as Brene Brown says.  Suffice to say, S does not wear his heart on  his sleeve.

I had my pre-op exam this morning.  They told me it would take a half hr.  It took almost 2 full hours.  EKG, blood work.  On top of it, they had a new software system that no one could use well.  I tried to get a cup of Starbucks after, but you could tell I was in a different world than the one where I live when there was a 10 car line there at 11 in the morning.  I didn’t get any coffee, suffice to say.  I had work waiting….UGH.

I am pretty sure I left work in good shape, no orders waiting to ship, nothing that anyone had to finish for me.  I was stressed out to the max til about 5 when I realized I would finish it all, and did, by 5:45. So I can vacation in peace, knowing I won’t walk into a huge mess when I get back.  My department, which is just me, did the best in the whole company last month.  And for the year I have already doubled the total sales for last year.  I should be on commission, lol.  But all I get is OT, and too much of it as it is.  Getting too old for this.

I keep thinking, I could collect soc sec now, and work 20 hrs a week at a supermarket or something to make up the difference.  It is doable.  Then I could spend all winter getting the house ready to sell, not stress over the frigging snow and cold, or, more importantly, my job.  I may give that some serious though in the coming months.

Well I need to go pack.  I will be in the warm, familial embrace of my friend and her family for a few days, a welcome respite.  Her heart is on her sleeve too.  I probably won’t be on here nearly as much for a few days, though I’m taking my computer, because sometimes I have to write like a compulsion.  The picture at the top is where I’ll be til late Tuesday.