I Just Wanted the Truth.

God, I can’t stop writing.  The words are like a volcano, spilling out of me, running down my face, over my heart, like smoke coming out of my ears and every part of my being. I need to get it into the universe and let the higher powers deal with it.  I SO don’t believe he hasn’t seen her.  I am SO sure that was a bold faced lie.

He texted me early Saturday morning, and NOT for the rest of the day.  I texted him, no answer.  No response.  Because he was not alone.  I know his habits, I know how he works.  I went out Saturday evening.  I realized by then that I needed to not talk to him, period, so I had him blocked, but he didn’t try to reach me.  Because he was busy.

Sunday morning, I got a brief text from him.  I sent him 3 more, one of which he got because he talked about it today, but never responded to Sunday.  But he told me he didn’t get anything else after he texted me.  When I said, well you got the one about the snake….he backtracked, well I got it but didn’t think it needed a response.

Oh no, I texted you freaked out and didn’t need a response.  You didn’t respond because you were busy.  With someone else.  Probably out to breakfast with her, where we used to go and where you went with her before.  Showing everyone there because the waitresses all know him, that she was back.

Except….she couldn’t do for him what I could.  Not gonna get into it, just that I am guessing she couldn’t do that.  They probably tried more than once.  So….he back tracked and they decided not to get back together because it just wasn’t working or gonna work….and he knew in his own demented mind that if he was with her, and I knew it, I’d never be with him again.

Now…I might not.  But the best, very best chance he had was to tell me the truth.  And to apologize for all the hurt he dished out and made me sit through.  To come squeaky clean and take whatever the consequences were. I smell a lie, I smell it like a dead fish, when someone is circumventing questions, trying to distract you from your intended purpose.  My ex was a champ at it  And I learned not to believe anything he said.  I KNOW that what i heard in that phone call was NOT the truth.  “I don’t know, it never occurred to me…” Bullshit.  “I only talked to her”  Then why couldn’t you talk to me too.  Why no word from you for 3 days?  “Because I didn’t want to deal with your anger.”  Well….I wasn’t angry yesterday morning, when he sent me that short text.  It was obvious to me that he snuck off, or she was in the bathroom or something and that’s all he had time for.  It was obvious that a decision had been made about her when he first contacted me today.

He says, “I was thinking of driving up there today.”  WHA??  No, I don’t want you up here.  I suppose he thought I was so into him, that I’d be thrilled and put all the bs he dished out to me away, never to be spoken of again.

Guaranteed that she knows nothing about me. Guaranteed.

So, I’m sorry, I’m ranting.  I just have to get this out of me.  Even if my version is incorrect, technically, I know it wasn’t the truth.  The truth rings, all the pieces fit together.  The truth is not a a bunch of disjointed, disconnected statements that have little or no bearing to the actual recorded events.  I just want the truth, I want the whole truth, I want it spoken so I have not one unanswered question.  I deserve that.  It’s what I give.  I want it back.  A hundred times I have said I would take a brutal truth over a pretty lie any day. And anyway, there are no pretty lies.  They are just ugly, manipulative, spoken by creeps without conscience, and they lead to destruction.  Every. Single. Time.

This was just more bullshit.

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5 responses to “I Just Wanted the Truth.

  1. Debbie Honey, this is Montana speaking. Be grateful please, that you have this lesson. Of course it rips through your heart, of course it does. Its personal & intimate, of course it hurts. All the signs were there Debbie that this would not go well. I think people like you and I (from abusive marriages) still struggle with some doubt as to our worth. This hurts so much because you tried to go ahead spending time with this man, and to feel good again about being so close and caring so much about that…BUT he used you, which makes you feel cheap and worthless (in his eyes)…However, we both know that’s not true. We KNOW it. I think to some degree we feel stupid that we didn’t act on what we KNOW. So, relax, breathe, eat a little and please keep reminding yourself of your true value, please Deb. You can’t let him win this one, by letting him make you feel discarded. Fuck that, you wanted to be away from him anyway, so did your son, so did all your friends. Please just count your blessings that he did you this favor of reminding you that it will not work by him treating you like a spare. Later you will look back on this and thank the stars that he is gone from you. I love you Deb, always

  2. There seems to be far too many signs with this man that cautions you to “stay away,” however, you’re continually pulled back to him. Whatever the reasons, I’m sure they are warranted on your end, but I’ve only been reading a short time and well… There’s almost never a good outcome. Good luck with this and all other experiences coming your way. Peace.

    • Thank you…you, like every one of my good friends, is able to see the signs clearly. Even I could see them, but have been inextricably drawn to him. After this weekend, though…I see them, clearly, and feel them, and seriously feel a transformation of myself is underway. I don’t think I’ll be going back to that place. Appreciate your thoughts, for sure.

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