How do we measure our strength? I don’t mean the ability to bench press 500 lbs.

I mean emotional strength. Is strength the ability not to cry when you are in pain? Or is it the willingness to say I hurt, I hurt so much I think I might die, but I’m not going to stop feeling, or loving, or become something ugly.

Is strength the willingness to hide who you are and all your feelings behind a wall? Or is it the willingness to take the wall down, brick by brick, so you can travel past it, even with no reassurance what is on the other side?

Isn’t vulnerability an incredible strength? Doesn’t a willingness to put yourself out there, fully, not knowing the outcome, demonstrate strength?

During my divorce trial, my ex’s attorney approached me on the witness stand where I spend a full day and a half, and said, “You’re making your ex look pretty bad here.” I said, “Look, I just want it all out on the table, for once…and what happens from that is what happens.” (He didn’t need any help from me to look bad….)

But yeah, I was willing to just tell it like it was, not knowing the outcome. I was sick of secrets, sick of hiding things, sick of having to stuff the emotions that he engendered from me, stuffing them out of fear of his temper. I was willing to be vulnerable, vulnerable enough to let the truth out.

With S, I was the first and only one of us to say “I love you.” I think that makes me strong. I want the truth out on the table. What is protected by hiding the way you feel? And when it falls apart, as it seems to be, I know I gave it my all, I know that I laid it out on the table, I know I held back nothing. (I want it to be clear here, that S never misled me. He is an honorable and decent man. The truth was always on the table with him.)

As I work through the emotions, that so far have alternated between sheer anguish and pervasive numbness, I know I am strong. I was willing to say it, not knowing the outcome. I am strong enough to sit with my emotions, and work through them. To learn whatever lessons are here to be learned, and most importantly, to continue to love him, unconditionally.

Because love, love….is what we are here for. It is what life is all about. I am so grateful that I can feel so deeply, can be so passionate, can hurt so much because it means I can love so much. I’d do it again, I will do it again.

Unless, of course, I find someone who is more willing than me, and beats me to it.