As I expected, I heard from S last night, I would guess it wasn’t long after Betty Boop was gone home. Nothing was accomplished, I had told him he was unblocked in case he had anything to say to me. Apparently he did not, last night, though he says he has plenty to say, but chose not to say it. Of course, I was in bed, I was exhausted having slept very little the night before. I had no expectations from him. I just left the lines of communication open.
Why? I don’t really know. In hindsight, I don’t know that it was even a healthy thing to do. He burned the bridge, when he played me. I don’t know that hearing from him will dull the burn still blistering on my skin. I woke up this morning feeling nauseous after about 5 hours of sleep. Nauseous and crying, and wondering how he could do that to me, again. Then I thought of A’s calm steady love of me, and how he gently, and carefully, and sweetly talked me down yesterday. How he offered me the unconditional love that S spurned. It was calming, to know that A will always be there for me. Even as just a friend, he is a male friend who loves me, and understands how I love people. I am so grateful that he is still in my life.
Maybe if I talk to S, I will get a clearer picture of who he is, and how he could do what he did to me, making it easier to let him go. But maybe not. I have a feeling he still wants me in the periphery of his life, to be able to text and talk to me, and to spend his time with Betty Boop. That’s not going to happen. No matter what, I cannot go back to where I was. He made his choice, spraying out as much pain as possible in his wake. I don’t want to be with a man who can do that.
I bought Brene Brown’s new book “Rising Strong” last night, after watching her on SuperSoulSunday, I think it is exactly what I need to hear to heal from this devastation, to find my way back to wanting to live. She says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, joy, creativity,…but if you’re going to be vulnerable, you are going to fall down.” This book is about getting back up….and exactly what I need right now, help in getting back up.
This day is going to be tough. I have to work til 7 tonight and I was awake at 4 am, and am still so stressed, I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. It will be good though, to get back to a regular schedule, and not to be alone all day. I know the people who love me will check in with me. I’ll make it through the day, and hopefully be a little better tonight than I am this morning.
Love and light everyone.