I woke with a sore throat and sneezing this morning, even though I slept 8 1/2 hrs.  I had a feeling that would happen, I was so run down from the weekend.  I wish I could have slept better when I was there, but it is what it is.  It doesn’t change the fact that it was a wonderful weekend.

I talked to a man I met online last night for the first time.  It was odd.  I have had these initial conversations many times.  I met S online, and A.  This conversation felt much more like an interview than getting to know someone.  Scratch him off of the list.  He said he felt I held back.  Which, lol, is the opposite of what most people say about me, when it comes to putting myself out there and saying what is on my mind.  At first S thought it was “refreshing” that I didn’t hold back and just said what was on my mind.  Then when he began withdrawing, it irritated him.  Whatever, I have always spoken my mind, though I try to be gentler about it than I used to be.  I think this man expects a lot of a first phone call!  People have to earn the right to hear my story now, I’m not going to tell my story to someone on a first phone call.  I was much more comfortable speaking to the man who wants to meet me later this week.  I’m supposed to be speaking with him again tonight, to make plans to meet we’ll see where that goes.

S was texting me over the weekend, of course. He has always tried to demand my attention when I’m with my family.  I even told him I have bad cell service there, and every time I’d get service my phone would alert, “I’d like to hear from you.”  “Are you there?”   And when he didn’t like what I had to say which was basically, “I dont know what is on your mind but there’s no way back for us, so why don’t you go bother your girlfriend”, he told me “F**k you” 4 times. I shouldn’t have responded at all. I finally blocked him again.  Then he leaves me a blocked voice mail yesterday, saying he just wants to talk, he doesn’t want to get back together. Why would I want to talk to someone who tells me fuck you, when he doesn’t get the reaction he’s looking for.  And why would I want to talk to him anyway?  He offers me nothing.  There is no joy anywhere around him.

I don’t know why he won’t leave me alone.  He’s got his silent woman.  I don’t want to hear about how he’s thinking of me, how he’s surprised how much he misses me, how I planted seeds of doubt in his mind.  Geezus.  Leave me alone.  For God’s sake, he made his choice, I wish he’d just live with it, and bother her.  Go tell her he’s got seeds of doubt planted, and that he misses me.  She obviously likes the mindfuck game and is willing to play it with him.  I’m not.  UGH.

I suppose some of it was my fault though.  I was reading Brene Brown’s book, Rising Strong, on the flight down to Virginia and she had this whole chapter on how most people are doing the best they can with the tools they have and their level of consciousness at the time.  I wrote a blog about it, but I also sent him a message while I was on that flight, saying “look, I get that you are doing the best you can, and so have I been.”  Because I just hate the ugliness.  But I didn’t mean I wanted to start up a conversation with him again.  So, I suppose I started it.  He never addressed what I said, just jumped right in with how he’s thinking about me, and how he’s surprised how much he misses me.  What is the point of that?   I told him he would miss me, I know it every day because I still feel him. I told him back when he did this, that for the rest of  his life he will hear the sound of my voice, the woman who loved him.  Who wouldn’t miss the unconditional love and acceptance?  Who wouldn’t miss being with someone who doesn’t require you to hide who you are?  But it’s done, he broke it way beyond repair, and I’m over it.

I have hesitated even writing about his contact, I don’t want to give it any energy, but it’s on my mind, how much he loves to fuck with my emotions, and I need to get the energy out of my head, on into the universe.

Onward. Alone, temporarily.