Letting go?  Have I really done it?  For the last month, I have thought I had many times, then a wave would wash over me, I would remember his cruelty in the way he dumped me, I would be so jealous that he was with her.  The pain would try once again to drown me. I don’t know, this is different.

I just don’t care.

And I can still say, as in the poster I have on my last blog, that I love the 100 things about him still, and always will.  I feel affection for the memories and the man, I just don’t feel the pain.  I am ready, and moving, on.

Whatever that dream was….I am sure it allowed me to energetically let go, which is what I HAD to do. Our connection has always been so energetic, more than any other way.  I don’t feel the pull.  I don’t feel wrapped up in his energetic energy cords.  My body, my heart, my soul, once again are free to shine.

I still have him blocked, for the time being I will leave it that way.  This is our last text.  You will see how juvenile it is…

When I blocked him, I wasn’t even mad. I was just sick of it.  Sick of the juvenile conversation.  Sick of the bullshit, of listening (or reading) him say whatever was convenient, whatever he thought would change my mind.  Or, having to deal with his anger when I didn’t change my mind, and put the truth in front of him. This conversation had gone on for the entire month since he let Betty Boop back into his life.  I didn’t tell  him I’d call the police because I was afraid, but because I didn’t want to give him any way to access me. I needed it to stop, fully and finally.  It was over.  He pretended to end it, the day he chose her, but he couldn’t really let go.  So I finished it off.

Four days later, as if because there was no other way, he came into my dream, trying to still convince me, continuing the conversation.  Telling him then, in the midst of love-making, to leave….and standing my ground, surprises and now, delights me.  Delights me, because I took my life back, when I was the most vulnerable, I was still strong.  I let go.

I want it to remain finished, so I will leave him blocked.

And I will become stronger and stronger. My light will get brighter and brighter, until it dazzles the man I’m looking for.

Feeling my happy self this morning, the way I was 2 years ago, before he showed up in my life, to teach me this lesson.

The lesson, that I am worthy of love and belonging, that no one can make me feel otherwise.  That people all have free will, to learn their lessons or not.  To set themselves up to repeat them over and over, til they choose to learn them, or to learn them quickly, and move forward.  In the grand scope of things, I am not unsatisfied with the length of time it took me to get this lesson.  It was important.  Unconditional love is not just for others.  It’s for ourselves too.  First.  I loved myself enough to let go.