A Larger Perspective

perspective

I was looking for a poem I wrote last summer or spring, and in the process, glanced at a lot of my old blogs from that time.

That time when S was playing us both.  I wrote mostly about the pain, mostly about how I missed him, mostly about how he pushed me away and when I was gone, pulled me back.  The only joy I wrote about all summer was when I was with friends.

I didn’t write about when he came to see me much.  I think, I didn’t want anyone to read that I was with him, after he’d been treating me so callously.  I didn’t want to appear weak to anyone, that I allowed him into my bed, when it was obvious that was all he was going to give me.  I was embarrassed by my own weakness.

Why in God’s name did I allow that to just go on?  Damn, I loved that man way beyond what was healthy.  I don’t know why I was so smitten with him, when he obviously had an agenda that didn’t include my happiness, except to give me a few hours of his time every week or two.  Why, why was I so weak?

In between I was not talking him, or trying not to, or telling myself to just let go, to walk away, that what he wanted was not what I wanted.

He was good at the pull back thing.  Sweet, funny, sexy.  It was like he hypnotized me.  As if I was powerless.  I guess what I wanted was him, at the end of the day.   So I allowed it.  Always willing to give it one more try, when I thought he was.

It’s amazing how our perceptions can change.  I made up so many excuses for him, I listened to him make up excuses and believed him.  I was led down the path with him SO many times and disappointed.  I listened and believed his intricate web of lies. I accepted so much less than I deserved.

I don’t know who I was then.  I really don’t.

Geezus.

And him?  Who the hell was he?  A figment of my imagination.  Intriguing I guess, like a puzzle that I wanted put together.  I thought the finished picture would be way different than it was.

I knew he loved Betty at one time.  I just wish he’d been honest with me, and told me she came back.   I would have deferred to that relationship, we’d still be friends, they’d still be together, and everyone would be ok.  Instead, 3 hearts are broken, and 3 lives are ripped apart, because he couldn’t tell me the truth.  If he loved her, which he said to me the last time I talked to him, the day he called me begging me to lie to her for him, why would he dishonor her like that?

He has no idea what real love is.  He thinks it’s a web you catch someone in.

Well, he caught me.  I guess he caught her too.  I cut myself out, patiently allowing the truth to surface, and in the process, created an opening for her to free herself from his web too.

Since I don’t know her, at all….maybe she’ll forgive him one day.  Maybe he’s learned his lesson and will be able to convince her.  .

Personally, I think he is unable to say no to any woman who offers it to him if he thinks he can get away with it.

I would have liked to talk to Betty at some point.  I just would like to know the story from her side.  I’d like to clarify any questions she has.  I’d like to know she will be ok.

A lot of lessons were learned in the 18 months I was with him.  Lessons about trust, mostly, and loving myself first.  About self-respect.  And mostly about being naive.

Yeah, I loved him, and that was real.  And I love him now.  Because, I can’t hate someone I loved that much.  It’s not the same.  I just hope he doesn’t live out his life holding onto pain and hate and anger and sorrow.  But he loves the darkness, it’s where he’s comfortable, and all he’s ever known.

The good thing is…reading old blogs didn’t make me want to go back there.  It made me see how much of myself I was losing, that I lost.  Reading them made me want to get farther away.  I’m feel like I am walking away at light speed now.  Gathering up the lost pieces, and putting them back together, one by one.  Feeling almost whole.

I didn’t mean to dissect this again today.  I am just pleased to see where I’ve come from where I was.  It was all about a greater perspective today, the kind you can only get with distance.  I don’t think I’ll need to revisit it.

Onward…..

8 responses to “A Larger Perspective

  1. I can relate to all of these feelings you’re describing here.. Glad to see you are healing. I am not that far along in my healing process, but this gives me hope for the future. 💜

    • I’m 3 1/2 months out, although I only got the full story a month ago. Regardless, I am able to see it much more clearly right now. There are still good and bad days but the bad ones are fewer an more far between. I can’t kid myself anymore. It was all lies and manipulation the last 6 months, and even after we broke up… He just couldn’t let go. Now he has I guess. But I told him the last time I talked to him he was dead to me. Today it feels like that. And that’s a good thing.

      • Unfortunately I spent a whole year after the break-up in his “narcissistic harem” Well the whole story is on my blog so I won’t write about it here. ☺ Even though I have woken up from the illusion, the hooks of the addiction to him are still embedded so deep in my brain and soul, that I am very afraid of him reaching out yet again, and pulling me back in somehow. But I do feel stronger each day I am away from all that. Your statement about him being deal to you is an extremely healthy, self loving approach for you, I think. So glad to hear that! 💜

        • Yeah, I was unable to not get sucked in every time he began to pull me back in. I was so crazy about him. But..I’m very independant, and ….this is important, I had a boundary. Since before we even met, that if you’re having sex with me you aren’t with anyone else. I was not going to cross that boundary, I knew it was the one thing I could not deal with, and I refused to be with him, once I knew that. So…we have to be strong, we have to hold our boundaries. There needs to be a line we will not cross, and that was mine. I crossed it when he did the prison whore, a hooker who came on to him once, because he told me the truth…and I could see how uncomfortable it made him to be that vulnerable. But this? No….. he wanted and had a relationship with her, it was not a one-night stand, and i was not going to be part of that in any way.

          I hope your healing continues….believe in yourself. You deserve more…xoxo

  2. It’s amazing the clarity you get with time and distance, isn’t it? And yet another positive of blogging is when you look back and can say “Omg, I wasn’t going crazy!”. And, as you rightly say, you can see just how far you’ve come which is especially helpful on the days when it might be tougher than usual. But yes, mostly a feeling of relief at no longer being part of the drama, the wondering what on earth is going on, and the downright misery and unhappiness they brought with them.

    And, yes, somewhere deep inside us we’ll always love them (the pure them, their souls), and that’s okay too.

    Sending much love and hugs, as ever. x x x

    • To love them without attachment to them….that is such a blessing. To wish the best to them, that real healing takes place for them without being sucked into their drama, that’s where I want to be with him. I adored him, I will always love the child that steers their riverboat, always. But when I look at it….from a human point of view, I was losing myself, in loving him, and that’s never gonna be a healthy thing. A good relationship would help you to find yourself in loving someone, not lose yourself.

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