I went to my endocrinologist this afternoon, for my diabetes check up. I have to go every 3 or 4 months and have lab work done to monitor it (also they won’t renew your prescriptions if you don’t come in for appointments). I normally get a copy of my labs a couple days after I have them done. But I didn’t get a copy of my labs this time, so I was wondering how the numbers were. I was feeling like my glucose has been more stable, but I’ve thought that before. There’s a test they do, called the A1C, for diabetics. It tests the levels of your sugar for the last 3 months. When I was first diagnosed 13 years ago, mine was 12.5. They want diabetics under 6.5. It was bad. I have been fighting to get it down for years. It’s slowly gone from around 7.8 to 7.5 to 7.4. Always somewhere in the mid 7’s. Today it was, FINALLY, 6.9. Under 7!!!! The best labs I’ve had since I was diagnosed 13 years ago! Down a whole half a point. Needless to say, I was psyched!!!!! My blood pressure, which had snuck up into the 130’s over 70’s last fall when Scott dumped me for Betty, and then kept trying to get me to see him, while he was with her, is back down to 124/64. Up until that point it had always been low, like 112/68. Can you say, he stressed me out?

Can I just say, that his health did not improve while he was screwing she and I over?

Moral of the story is, if you lived a fucked up life, that brings negativity, pain, darkness to the world, you pay for it, in your own body.  Living with a pack of lies in your heart is stressful, trying to remember what you said to whom, and when, and why. I think, in the end, it is himself he fucked over the most.

I believe with all my heart, that because I have done what I need to do to heal from that trauma, my body is now reacting favorably.  Happiness is good for your health.

Maybe I’m all wrong, but I know a lot of people like Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, and others, will agree with me. If you’re seeking the light, it will find you. If you’re seeking the dark, it will find you too.

Anyway, I’m stoked about a 6.9! Going for 6.5 next time!

Life is good….

Love and light

If you get the daily “Notes from the Universe” (www.tut.com) and saw today’s notes, then you know today’s note was about people doing the best they can.

I’ve written about this before, how I suppose that people are, in general doing the best they can, based on their level of consciousness at the time. But for me, this thought is tempered by the belief that most people want to seek the light, most people don’t want to do the wrong thing, and endeavor not to. I want to think that everyone makes mistakes.

So if we take that as the baseline, that people are doing the best they can, what does that say about someone who lies, deceives, betrays, manipulates, and uses people? Is that really the best they can do?Do I really have to believe that? And when it’s pointed out to them, inarguably, they get angry, and instead of trying to change it, do it more. Perhaps more cleverly, more passive-aggressively, but do it, still. How can that be the best they can do? If they are intelligent, well-read, creative…..what does it say, when time after time they choose to hurt people?

I don’t know. Really. I think if people like this are, in fact, doing the best they can then all I can do is feel sorry for them. They are so emotionally, spiritually bankrupt that they have no idea how to make their way to a different life. When we can see their potential, and they refuse to acknowledge it, what can we do?

Sometimes it seems that these people are innately evil. Sometimes I want to believe that.  I have had someone actually tell me he was bad. That he was just not a nice person. That was his opinion of himself.  That’s just laziness, that’s just narcissism, it’s just an excuse to stay in a place that your ego wants you in, an excuse not to evolve your soul to a higher level.  I refuse, unequivocally, to believe that anyone is innately evil.  But I digress.

If someone does this to you, lies, cheats, betrays, uses, manipulates and deceives you, you can get angry and never want to have anything to do with them again. Or, you can feel sorry for them, that they can’t climb out of this dark hole. But either way, the result is the same. You have to stay away from them. If the best someone can do is to hurt you, then you can get angry, or you can feel sorry for them that that’s the best they can do, but still, no matter what…you have to stay away from them.

Since I’m an Aries, and I don’t hold a grudge well, and I dislike being angry, I just forgive. That’s the first step in taking back my power from someone who has hurt me. I also will stay away from people like that. I do not want someone in my life who hurts others as a way of life. Those people who have hurt me to my core are no longer in my life, whether or not they are doing the best they can.

Yeah, I can pray for them. I can wish them well. I can hope they can change. I can wish them love and light.

And I can stay away. A long ways away.

Love and light, all.

I had such a wild birthday. Wild in that I closed on my Florida house. Wild in that we had such a hard time getting the proper inspection reports that the company that did them is going to refund our $610 fee! Completely! Wow!!! A little added bonus to my birthday!

My son worked tonight, so I stopped for Chinese take-out on the way home, and when I finished eating I had to do the final prep for pictures tomorrow. It’s now 9:30, and I’m beat! Happy, but really tired. Gonna maybe take some time off this weekend, head to the shore if it’s nice enough.

I need some ocean water, some sea breeze. So many big changes. Emotionally, physically. A transition soon from working every day, though I will probably still work when I move, but not at a job like this. Spending more time doing what I love, what I have a passion for. Finding new things that I have a passion for. Maybe a new man that I have a passion for, who knows?

Still, it’s scary to leave the place where I have lived for almost 40 years. And my friends, my best bunch of friends you could ever ask for. A town where I rarely can go to the grocery store without spending a half hour in one of the aisles catching up with someone I haven’t seen in awhile. I will miss it. I will be back though. Just as they’ll be coming to Florida to escape the winter, I’ll be coming here in the summer, not to escape anything but to see people I love.

I found out tonight that my son wishes more than anything that nothing was going to change. That we could stay here in this house, and life could just go on the way it has. He gets why it is changing, because I can’t pay this mortgage and keep this house unless I work. And I’m sick of working.

It’s because we’ve been so happy here. He had such a hard childhood, with his alcoholic abusive father. When he came to live with me, I just wanted to give him a stable loving home, so that was my focus for the 8 years since he came to me. To try to undo some of the damage of living in that ugly, dark, dysfunctional family.

I think I’ve been successful. But he has always had a hard time with change, and this one is no different. It’s probably harder, because everything that happened here was within the boundaries of a normal family life. We have had our trying times…but he and I were happy. We could close the doors on the world here and be happy. I’m sure he is afraid it won’t happen again. I’m sure he doesn’t want to be so far away from me, nor I him. Our bond is strong. I told him, even when we are all those miles apart, we will still talk every day, 2 or 3 times a day. We will still be part of each other’s lives.

I told him, life doesn’t always give you what you want. I told him, I would have loved to stay married, fix up our house, retire on our boat cruising the Caribbean. Have a successful business. But that’s not what happened. So, I accepted that it was not gonna happen, and came up with a plan that would work for me, and accomplish what I really wanted. To spend some part of my life on my passions, instead of working for someone else. In a warm climate where I didn’t freeze for 3 months a year. Now, I told him, you have to do that. Make a plan. Make it work.

I have no doubt he will. Fear…is so hard to overcome. But he will.

Life certainly has it’s curves, but if you look in the right places, there is usually something beautiful around every corner.

Love and light.

  
I’m listening to Delta by Crosby Still an Nash. I have always said that the lines “Love that child that steers the riverboat but lately he’s crazy for the deep” was about Scott.  

It just occurred to me that Scott wasn’t the child driving the riverboat,  I was. Scott was the deep. Scott was the vicious whirlpools and eddys  that pulled me  into danger,  pulling me under,into the darkness, and trying to drown me without a thought or care. Just another life form to triumph over, to suck the life from.  I was crazy for the deep.

I made it back to shore, he will have to find another victim.  

Sometimes I wonder why the realizations and revelations about the truth of him keep coming. Why do I have to revisit them for a deeper, clearer understanding?

Maybe, because they are too much for anyone, or at least for me to understand, or acknowledge all at once. Should not the knowledge that he was with her all summer while he was with me have been enough? Should not the depth of those lies alone, have been enough for me?

I have this insatiable need to understand. I wanted to believe that in his center he was a good but lost man. I wanted to know what would motivate someone to betray two women who loved him so well, betray so deeply. I wanted to be still able to love him. To find extenuating circumstances to forgive him.

But the revelations have just kept coming. First that he was with her. Then that he still wanted me to be with him, unknown to her. Then that he was with her all summer. The lies he told her. The lies he told me. The way he used me, to set her up. The way he believes jealousy is love, that only if someone cries for you do they love you. That nothing about any relationship is sacred, special. It was all for him to use to manipulate his way into something, or someone.

I guess, I just could not have accepted all this at once. It was beyond comprehension for one shot. It was all so far beyond the scope of my previous experience, I could not have wrapped my head around it. I didn’t want to believe anyone was capable of purposefully hurting someone that way. And to continue spinning his web of lies and untruths and deceptions. Like my ex, truth is a bitter pill for him. Lies slide so much more easily  off his tongue. Manipulations make him thrive. Soul to soul truth makes him run away.  Terrifies him.

Whatever. Now, just whatever. I get it. I have seen enough that I can put it away. It makes complete sense to me now. I will leave no opening to get sucked in again, to offer my soul up for his dinner. I suppose I can do what Marianne Williamson says, and pray for him, because the world can only be a better place if he can get some divine light. I hold no expectation that he would allow it. His shallow demented mind will never let it in. The woman who believes him is doomed to a life of misery, because that’s his comfort zone. Make her cry, so he will know she cared. If he’s making her happy, it’s because he’s manipulating her somehow. Making her believe she’s special, while he seeks other women for his pleasure.

What a life. I’m so glad to finally see the end of this. I mean really and truly now. I have spent 6 months trying to make sense of this, and I think, finally, in the last few days, enough pieces are in place that the puzzle of Scott is complete, and I can throw it out. I won’t be asking my pendulums any longer if he’s ok. I’ll be asking if my house will sell quickly. I’ll be forgetting about him, a little every day, as his place in my psyche becomes smaller and smaller.

If I feel his energy, I will be able to ignore it. I just don’t care. If he’s unhappy, then it’s not my problem to deal with, he gets no more sympathy from me, or empathy. Nothing. Hopefully time will dull that connection. I think it’s already begun.

I feel like I need to apologize here for rehashing over and over what is so obvious to anyone not caught in the middle of it. But we all know what it’s like to love someone so much, and to believe so strongly that they are more than they manifest.

He could be, but he isn’t. He wants to be the ugly dark person he is. He wants to bring pain to the world, because that’s what he’s been given. Or, so his mind thinks. For him, none of it was a lesson, all of it was wasted. Over and over he will face these lessons, until one day he gets sick of it, and chooses to learn them. But I doubt if it will be this life time. He’s 68, diabetic, has COPD. I doubt, with all the lies and deceptions and manipulations which he cannot face, that his body will last for a whole lot longer. Time is running out for him.

I am running away from him, at light speed. Her…I can only hope that she can save herself.

Enough. I let it go. It all makes sense. I’m ready for the next, new, joyful thing. There is no pain, there is no nothing. I’m not comfortably numb, I just don’t give a shit any longer.

Love and light, all.

My son made me dinner tonight.  It was so good, he’s a pretty decent cook for a 24 year old kid.  He gave me wine glasses for my birthday, I’d asked for them.  I have a few that match but most of them don’t.  He got me beautiful cobalt blue, 2 white wine glasses and 2 red.  I love them.  Cobalt blue is my favorite color. He’s such a good kid, I will miss him so much when we both move.

My birthday is tomorrow, but he celebrated with me tonight, he has to work late tomorrow.

It was a kind of rough day.  Underscored by my latest revelations.  I was tired, all day, because of working so much on the house this weekend.  Woke up in the middle of the night sore….got up and took some ibuprofen.  Work wasn’t hard, but I was trying to finalize insurance on the Florida house, deal with the closing docs, get some final numbers.  While I worked, while I was exhausted, while I tried once again, to put out of my mind the stuff Scott is capable of.  I can’t even fathom the depths to which he will go.

I was happy with the way the insurance worked out.  I thought the wind insurance only dealt with the roof, so I wasn’t going to buy it. The first quote we had was about $3600 a year for it, vs. $500 to $700 without it.  I was just going for basic homeowners.  Then an agent said, Deb, that close to the water?  It’s not just your roof, it’s any and all damage to your house caused by the wind.

Well, I can’t afford to lose the house, which I suppose is a real possibility a mile from the water.  So I said, get me some quotes, with a high deductible. I ended up with basic homeowners, with a $25oo deductible, and hurricane insurance with a $7000 deductible, for $1200.  So I can do that.  $100 a month.  Glad to have that resolved.

When I got home, I opened the closing docs and signed them all electronically. My sis will wire the money tomorrow, and I will own a home in Florida.  I have to have someone walk through the house once a week or once a month or something, so it’s not listed as vacant, lol, til I get there.  I think I can get my girlfriend down there to do that.

Pretty eventful birthday….Signed to sell my house here, signed the docs to buy a house there.  And I think maybe, finally, purged any leftover emotions for him that were lingering, saying, oh but what about this. No more.  Not another heartbeat will be wasted on that.

Big sigh, as I close my tired tired eyes, and un-crimp my shoulders.  My life is mine again.  The ties that bound, well let’s just say I hope the centripetal force of those now loosed ties smacked him somewhere where he won’t forget.

It’s all good.  Love and light, all.

I just don’t know how anyone could use someone, the way he used me, and manipulate someone, the way he manipulated her, and put his head down on the pillow, satisfied with the way he lived his life and go to sleep. 

It is beyond me. It is so far into the real darkness it makes me queasy, that I shared myself with a man whose capable of that. Not just what he did to me, but what he did to her, to get what he wanted, no holds barred, lies and twisting the truth, playing on her  emotions that were already so traumatized. As if she ever needed to be jealous of me.  But he did everything he possibly could to make her that way. Needlessly causing her pain.  Needlessly.  The minute she was back, I was gone. I was never competing.  I was always moving away.  I was with him only when I knew she wasn’t.  I loved him… But that’s over too now.  

He is one sick fuck to do what he did to me, but sicker by far to inflict pain on someone just to get what he wanted. To think that was the only option.  

Sick sick sick.  

Ok rant over. Hopefully the ugliness will get out of my head, and into the universe to correct as it sees fit. 

Love and light. 

This morning I woke up disgusted with the realizations I had last night when I came across those emails to Scott, where all I tried to do was to help him to deal with the situation with Betty. I knew that part of the reason he’d been with me was to make her jealous, because she is such a jealous person. But I feel for her, because he played on that, only that. He did all he could to make her fight for him, and fight me. Goaded by him, she became a bitch to me. I see it now, so clearly. I mean, it’s on her for buying into it. But it’s on him for not speaking the truth to her, not making sure she understood there was nothing to be jealous of, because he and I were close, we cared for each other and I was there to help him, but to help him find a way back to her. To try to show him that being honest and truthful is not as scary as he thought.

At any rate, it’s so in the past for me. The two of them can sort it out, if they want. I have felt for some time they are not together, that her family is directing her, influencing her, to stay away from a man who can be so deceitful, who hurt her to her core over and over. Maybe I’m wrong. I also still feel his energy, and have felt he was not happy. They could be together, but if it’s based on the lies he tells, the twisting of the truth, on making her jealous, then he won’t be happy anyway, because that’s not sustainable. He’ll always be in fear that she sees the truth. I’m sure if they are together, she is always going to be looking over her shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t know, I don’t care.

I wish him well, still. I still know that he can’t find his way through the false lessons of his youth, and the events of his life that he created as a result of buying into them. I really did just want him to be happy, but a life that is lived with fear as the motivation for everything one does, will never lead to happiness. I hope that he will, at this late date in his life, finally take some time to be alone, which he never has been. To figure out what happened to his life, and stop casting the blame around to everyone else. At a certain point in our lives, we can only blame ourselves. And we can only change ourselves.

I actually wish her well too. She was so manipulated by him, and so was I for a long time. I know from what he told me (because he keeps no one’s secrets) that her life was not a bed of roses either, and that she has a lot of fear as well. I hope for her own good, she stays away from him, because he’s not capable of loving anyone. He doesn’t love himself, he has nothing to offer. He’s capable of instilling fear, promoting jealousy, playing on people’s fears.  He’s not capable of loving people, making them feel safe and secure in his care.  He can only take from other people and think he can then give away what he takes.  He will hurt her again, given the chance, it’s a given when you live from fear.  If he can hurt you, it perversely validates for him that you actually cared.

I know I am moving away soon. I know I have really seen him, and know that I want a man in my life who does not live his life from a place of fear.

Soon, I’ll be living in my cute little Florida home, bright yellow with orange shutters and green trim and a palm tree in the corner. My own palm tree! My house that is an 11. A mile from the ocean. A place with all good memories so far. Near my family, and close, life-long friends. A place of light and warmth. Where I can watch the sun rise and the sun set over the Gulf of Mexico every day if I want. Where I can sit on my deck every morning, and write, and meditate and sip my coffee. A place where I can take all the lessons of my life, and create a life that is full of joy.

Maybe I’ll find love, maybe I’ll just find a new tribe, a whole new group of people who come from a place of love at their center. I am ready to let it all in, and let this old stuff all go. I feel like I’ve been trying to convince myself to do this for so long, but this morning, a huge piece of the puzzle was put into place, it slid right in, and the picture became complete. I’m done with that puzzle, I can put it away. It’s boring now.

And you know, boring is the kiss of death with me. Lol.

Love and light, everyone. Love and light.

I’ve been so happy today. My house is now officially on the market. They aren’t coming for pictures until Wednesday. So, when I found that out, I finished vacuuming and put the vacuum cleaner away, and went outside, put in my earbuds, and listened to some meditation music in the zero-gravity chair on my deck, and soaked up some sun, and warmth.

It was a beautiful spring day today. I had all the windows open. It was such renewal. Not a cloud in the sky. I talked to my sister, about the closing on my house on Tuesday, on things she thinks might need doing there. Then we talked about the memorial service we three sisters are going to have for Mom in June, and bury her ashes next to dad. We talked about probate, her knee surgery. I still can’t believe that she and her hubby are doing this for me, I am so totally blessed.

Later this afternoon, I called my BFF from Iowa, high, just to chat. So much fun, we have been bff’s since we were 12. Looking so forward to when she comes to visit, and the other three of us are there.

I was thinking today so much about what a long strange trip this has been the last 9 years. I was such a shell of myself when I left my marriage. I found myself, my path, in the course of the divorce from hell. Then I fell crazy in love, more than I ever was with anyone, and I loved it. OMG, how I loved loving that man. And then he broke me, almost. Not quite bad enough, I managed to put myself back together, better than ever. Like a broken bone, which is stronger in the place it heals, I am also stronger in the places that were broken. I’m not quite done yet, but I’ve come a long way.

I was going through old emails tonight, thinking I could clean some stuff out. I found a bunch of emails I sent to Scott in January, talking about his situation. I was so supportive, so non-jealous, so loving, but so not attaching to him, or manipulating him. And he tells her he was with me for sex. He let her see the erotica I wrote for him, but I bet he didn’t show her the emails I came across tonight, where I was trying to keep him floating, talking to him about her, telling her how I thought she’d eventually talk to him, and who knows what could happen. I was such a good friend to him, and I was so scared shitless that he’d do what he did, betray, deny me again. I was prepared, I knew he could do it and he did….I didn’t lay down and die this time. I knew I was moving, I knew he was a mess.

Just….I was so there for him, I don’t know how he could repay that by betraying me again. I don’t care that he wanted to be with her, I knew that would happen. Just, why he had to make it so ugly, why he couldn’t speak the truth. I forgot all about these emails, that don’t mention anything except trying to help him deal with it. Well, lesson learned. Next time he can call someone else.

Glad I’ll be moving soon. Leaving this all in the past. Part of my life that was extraordinary, from one end of the spectrum to the other. I hope Florida is much more even-keeled. I’m too old for any more emotions off the spectroscope.

But all in all, it was a lovely day. My house looks wonderful, everything is in order. My plans are moving ahead, the old stuff is being left behind. The love, the love always stays.

Love and light.