Flood, and Ebb

Posted on by learning to live like water

washed_away_with_the_tide_by_fuzzah

 

Why did you come?
Did you just want to ply the waters
And see if fish still swam deep?

Did you want to taste the depths
One last time
Before the boat sank forever?

Did you want to feel the ecstasy,
To see if the slippery salinity
Was real?

Or did you want to drown,
And be reborn
In the unconditional undulations
Of the endless blue?

I was pliable, in your hands.
I could bend and gyrate with the waves
For you.
To find yourself.
To find me.
I was free,
I was easy.
I was yours
For as long as you wanted me.

It wasn’t long enough.
I swim alone,
Looking for a life preserver.
Or a dolphin to take me safely to solid ground.

You…I lost sight of.
You may have succumbed.
You may have been rescued.
Or maybe you found your way to a distant shore.

The sea is vast.
The time was short.
Forgotten,
Like yesterday’s tide.
We came together
Momentarily.
And we washed away.

Awareness

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

third eye

Aware
That I can love
That the energy which powers the sun
Also powers my heart.
Powers my words to express.

Powers my body
To be one with my heart
That the physical manifestation
Of love
Is powered just as my heart is.

By the one thing.

True and honest.
I never lied,
(I could not)
With my words,
With my thoughts,
With my body.

The electrifying touch
Comes from the same place
As the soft words.
The connection that can’t be broken.

The face will come into focus
The face that will know what I know
And feel what I feel.
Another connection;
Stronger,
Sweeter,
Still unbreakable,
Is in the making.

Bliss.

The Best is Yet to Come

Posted on by learning to live like water

The sun poured into my bedroom window like spun gold this morning. It was filtered only by the sheer white curtain that hangs like a flouncy skirt onto the floor. It was 6:15. I woke earlier, at 5:30 and thought, no, I don’t want to get up this early, and the next time I looked it was 6:15.

When the sun is like that, pouring through the windows on the south side of the house, I am excited to get up, and watch the day unfold. I am only sorry it isn’t warm enough to sit outside, and listen to the birds, and feel the gentle spring breeze on my cheek.

I did a meditation this morning by Tara Brach on Open Awareness. She does wonderful guided meditations. https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-meditations/

At the beginning, as she guides you into physical body relaxation, she asks you “What is it your heart really wants?”

My answer was swift, required no thought. “To love and be loved.” That’s all.

The meditation sought to bring us to a place of only awareness, not thought. Using words from the Buddhist monk Tilopa from 1000 or so years ago:

Let go of what has passed.
Let go of what may come.
Let go of what is happening now.
Don’t try to figure anything out.
Don’t try to make anything happen.
Relax, right now, and rest.

It was a nice way to begin the day. Peaceful, no angst today. Or at least, not right now. (she smiles, lol)

My son and I are going out for BBQ today. It’s a delayed birthday dinner. Then we’re stopping at Sam’s club, for a few things. It is a lovely spring day.

I have not buried the St. Joseph statue that my friends Peter and Linda gave me in my front yard yet. I think I’ll do it this morning. I’ve not had a nibble all weekend on the house. Even though I’m not really worried about it, I still think I will give it whatever added boost the statue can give it.

And believe. Just believe it will happen. Just trust that the universe will bring the right buyers to my house at the right time.

Feeling peaceful and calm this morning. Trusting my intuition to guide the path of my life to follow my heart’s desire, to find my heart’s desire. I am beginning to trust myself again. It’s a good feeling. I’m not sure if that isn’t the greatest trauma of being betrayed on such a grand scale, the loss of our ability to trust ourselves. A good lesson was learned about love and trust.

I still believe love never dies. I think I’ll always love the people I loved. It’s just that I see them through unfiltered glasses now, in all their imperfection. What’s done is done, what’s over is over. In the words of Van Morrison in Someone Like You:

But just lately I have realized
The best is yet to come.

I hope that’s true until my last breath.

Urgency

Posted on by learning to live like water

passionate

You come at me from all sides
Above
Below
Behind
Before
From outside
From inside

God how I lust
How I lavish
No holds barred
I cut myself loose
And give it all to you.

Craving your scent
Your touch
Your gaze
Your passion
Your quiet words
Your breath on my neck.

I jump at the chance
To love like that again

Sweetness and sour
Spicy and bland
There are tropics
In your hair,
There are stormy seas
In your eyes.

To love
Like there is no tomorrow
Cuz there might not be.

I won’t waste time,
Will you?

Time to Take a Breather, Apparently

Posted on by learning to live like water

Take-a-Deep-Breath-Whale

I seriously can’t believe how tired I am tonight. I slept ok last night, but tonight I can’t keep my eyes open. It’s only 8 pm. My day wasn’t particularly busy. Went shopping with a friend at Costco, went to cousin’s house to give her reiki. Looked for plane fares to VA for my mother’s memorial for my son and I. It’s a pain because he can only stay overnight, and I’ll stay a couple days longer. Plus we’re not staying over on a Saturday night which increases the plane fares by about 50%.

I sat outside on the deck with the computer looking up the fares on Kayak, Expedia, JustFly….. First time this year I’ve been able to do sit out there. Had some idle memories of sitting out there with S, nice memories, talking, gabbing, listening to his outlandish stories. I wish they had just stayed down below the surface where they belong. It will be good to get to Florida, where that won’t happen. At least, not quite so vividly, not quite so closely. I will be out on the deck there, but a different deck, different furniture, different scenery, different smells. Hopefully nothing to trigger me there, into a memory best left buried.

Whenever we would fight, before she was back, or before I knew about her, anyway, he would always say, “I wish we could just sit on your deck and talk. Things were always different when we could do that.” I wish I didn’t remember that. Because things will never be remedied by an afternoon or evening on the deck again. And truth be told, they weren’t then. Just a bandaid on a huge gaping wound caused by lies, deceit, and betrayal on such a grand scale. Oh how I wanted to believe.

Anyway, it was the first time I’ve used Justfly.com. And the last probably. I kept asking for flights into Dulles in DC. It kept giving me flights into Washington National, on the other side of DC. Exit, Exit.

I was texting my son, who was working, madly, trying to figure out the logistics. Nothing was resolved, and I ended up with a massive headache.

So why I’m so tired I don’t know.

Another thing I don’t know. Like why just now, I left the computer and went upstairs and put my pajamas on. And when I came back, the display had flipped the desktop to read completely sideways. So that I had to turn the computer sideways to use it. I finally got it turned back around, but why in the world it did that I have no idea.

It woke me up, enough to figure out how to fix it.

Maybe I’m so tired, because I can be this weekend. The house is on the market, and all I have left to do for Florida at the moment is get the electric and water in my name. I’ll have to begin to weed my stuff out, and make the dump runs that I’ve been putting off for a couple of weeks now. But right now, this weekend, I can take a breather. And I guess my body is taking one, lol.

Off to bed. Love and light everyone.

Finding the Crack

Posted on by learning to live like water

Crack

Last night after the gong bath, while I was writing my last blog, my cousin, who was also at the gongs, called and wanted to come over. She has been struggling with inner conflict and had kind of withdrawn, she has felt embarrassed about her conflict, and has not wanted to reach out.

She came to the gongs on her own. She has always come with me before. I was so glad that she came. I was surprised, because she doesn’t usually come to the Friday night gongs. I was with my two friends, and introduced her, but it was almost time to start when she got there, so we didn’t get to talk.

After, I saw her in deep conversation with the woman next to her, a woman I’ve gotten to know a little, and I was happy to see her in a deep intense conversation. I stopped by her, and just asked her very quietly how she was doing. Her face was streaked with tears. I asked her if she wanted to come to my house after, because I just could see she needed to be around people.

She came…she didn’t get to my house til almost 11, which is already past my bedtime. I kind of felt that I wouldn’t go right to sleep anyway, because I needed to digest and assimilate the evening for myself.

Anyway, I think I helped her. I really do. And I loved being able to help her. I love being able to help people who want to be helped. I’m going to see if she will come over again this weekend and let me give her reiki. She needs the hands on, she needs the unconditional love. I hope she will.

It seems to me that this might be a path for me to follow. To help people to find that spark within themselves. She has been into alternative therapies, practicing them for so long, much longer than me, and she’s a spiritual counselor. She has helped me so many times. But she can’t apply what she knows to her own life. I think this is common. Where people know what they know, but can’t do it for themselves.

By the time she left, she was not crying, she was communicating, about what she needs to do, and the obstacles she faces. She was much more positive. It made me so happy, to have actually helped her. To convince her that just because she can’t see her own light, it still shines, it’s still there.

As it is in everyone. Whether or not you believe it, makes no difference. It’s there. It can’t NOT be.

There are people who cover it in darkness, and that’s their comfort zone. There are those who have covered it, and ignored it, but want to let it shine again, finding out that living in darkness is no way to find happiness. It’s no way to joy. There are those who try to let it shine, and when human weakness takes over and they act out in a way inconsistent with shining their light, they endeavor to change that behavior.

It’s the people who actually want help to shine, that I want to help. Not sure how, but I do know that I can have a passion for it. Having seen my own darkness, I feel I might have some insight that might help.  All it takes is a crack in the wall, to allow the light to shine.  A crack, to let the light in, a crack to let your light illuminate the world.

Love and light, all.

Trying to Just Keep Rising

Posted on by learning to live like water

keep rising

I just came home from the gong bath.  Gong meditation.  I took a friend tonight, someone not into much alternative stuff.  She asked, “There’s not water involved?”  LOL.  No…..Better to call it a meditation, that is, really what it is.  But deep, very deep if you want it to be.

When I am there, bathed in the vibration of the gongs, and crystal bowls and the drums, I seem to be able to look at the issues in my life non-judgmentally.  I seem to get a clearer picture of what has happened, is happening.  From a different level.  It has happened so many times.  S once told me I should go every night, because I work so much stuff out when I’m there.   I’m a much nicer person, apparently.  Or at least, so he thought. I suppose it’s true, because who isn’t nicer when they aren’t stressed.  Although he was usually the one stressing me, lol. But I digress.

Tonight was no different. What I think I needed to do tonight was get back to the present moment. To stop fretting over things about which I have no control. There is so much going on in my life right now with retirement, buying a house, selling a house. Leaving here, relocating where I know three people well. Letting go of old attachments to people, places and things.

I reminded myself tonight, that my obligation to myself is to keep rising. There are those who will rise with me. There are those who won’t rise at all. There are those who will rise, catch up to me, and rise past me. We all may bump into each other in this life. But each of us has to keep rising, in our own way, on our own path. I believe that we are here, in this lifetime, to learn lessons, and to evolve our souls. So, the only thing I have to do, is try to keep doing that.

Back when my friend who is a medium suggested that S was my twin flame, she explained about that kind of relationship, how it is push pull, how one is running and is chasing.  How you are usually not in the same place based on the many life experiences.  The important thing she said to me though, was, “and you have just just keep rising.” The rest will never be known to me, if he is or is not my twin.That there is some kind of soul connection is undeniable.  I know when I’m going to hear from him, I still feel him.  I basically ignore it, but the fact is, it doesn’t matter now.  All that matters is I keep rising.

It does not involve hate and anger, blame, guilt, shame. It does not involve jealousy or selfishness. It does not involve any of the negative emotions we as humans find so easy in our interactions with others. We all have to keep rising. We can’t hold the hands of others and pull them with us, everyone has to raise themselves. If we meet somewhere, at some point, then it’s just a blessing.

When the meditation tonight was over, I was thinking about what a loving and supportive environment it is there. Everyone is there for healing. Everyone is there to lovingly support each other. I have friends who I see only at the gongs, who I have seen once or twice a month for years now. And I feel so close to them, as if we know each others souls.

It’s all about love, everything, every emotion that I have there reduces to love. It’s like numerology, reduce to a single digit. It’s like the Rumi saying I put up this morning, we are left with two desires at the end of the day: to love, and to be happy. Evolving our souls, to me, is finding a way to love more, and be happier for it.

So I go to the gongs, twice a month, to seek out unconditional love, and to find a way to be happy. For the most part, it works. I am always always, better for having gone.

Sending love and light to all tonight.

 

Gongs and Gardens

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

gongs in the garden

I have had a glass of wine every night this week. VERY unlike me. I don’t know why. I think I’ve just been stressed, had so much to do, it just has felt nice to sip on a glass with all the stuff I’ve had going on.

I have gongs tomorrow. I always say, perfect timing. And it always is. I’m ready to close my eyes, for the lights to go out and get transported to the ethers. Lots of stuff in there to work out, and may be I will and maybe I won’t. Always accomplish something though. I’m taking a girl I work with, and my friend who I go out with a lot. My friend has never been, and she’s not like me, not so alternative. But she seems psyched.

I’m not so unsettled now, as I was this morning. The day has a way of bringing me back to the present moment. I haven’t had any second thoughts about the choices I’ve made about my life’s direction, about S and how I feel about him. The edge is off of it some, but the feeling remains the same. I’m still walking away, at a nice steady pace, eyes forward. No looking over my shoulder.

Realtor sent me a link to my listing online. The house looks good, if I do say so myself. I’m still trying to find all the stuff they got out of sight. And I thought I’d already done a pretty good job of clearing it out!

Looking forward to my new life and all it brings. My sis says my deck in Florida is perfect for orchids, because it’s shady. She’s going to help me with the plants, it will be so much fun. A lot of people in the neighborhood have these “Feed the world” gardens up by the sidewalk. They grow veggies, that are meant to be taken by anyone who needs them. Kale, cabbage, I don’t even know what else. But I love the idea, that someone who might be hungry would find the food and not be hungry. It looks nice too. So I may try to do that.

The town has a community garden about 4 doors down from me, where people can get a little plot and grow a veggie garden. When I was there, there were people in there working on their gardens, talking….nice. What a nice thing to have on my block.

So tomorrow, I’ll go to the gongs, and work out whatever comes up to be worked out. Feeling peaceful tonight, happy. Content.

And falling asleep. Love and light.

Dealing With Unsettledness This Morning

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

unsettled

I’m unsettled this morning. Lots of reasons.

First, concern over my son moving to Colorado. I would feel better if I knew this was something he really wanted to do, not a choice he was making out of necessity, because he can’t stay here. I was happy when I thought he was really looking forward to it. Now, as his mother, I can’t help but feel sad that my choice is making him make a choice he didn’t want to have to make. You know, if you have kids, that your whole life is about putting your kids first. This time, I can’t. He’s an adult, and I can’t stay here and retire. He gets that, he understands. But he doesn’t like it.

Of course, I have made him so comfortable here. No real responsibility here. His own space, really like his own apartment, but he doesn’t worry about the utility bills, or food in the fridge. He pays me $400 a month, he makes his car payment. He does his own laundry. But I’ve always dealt with everything. Why would he want to leave?

I know it will be good for him. I know he needs to do this, even if he doesn’t want to. It’s just that when I was his age, I’d been on my own for about 3 years, a long way from my family, and I was fearless. I had no fear that my life wouldn’t work out the way I wanted. (And it didn’t, but I had no fear about it anyway, lol.)

Then there are the logistics of he and I moving. If the house sells quickly, I’m afraid the closing date will fall in the middle of June which will be a problem for me. We are going to VA in early June, to have a memorial for my mother, and bury her remains next to my dad. In the middle of June son is going to Las Vegas to a music festival he’s been planning for a year. He’ll be gone a week. I am afraid I will be packing up the house before he’s gone. I will have to insist on the end of June for the earliest closing date, if I should get an offer. That’s all, I guess.

I had hoped to drive out to CO with him, and help him get settled. And then come back and drive myself to FL. That would be ideal. I don’t want him going by himself. He’s nervous enough as it is. The alternative is, he could come to FL with me, and we could drive to CO from there.

I guess I should stop worrying about it, and just deal with one thing at a time, as it comes. Duh. Stay in the moment. I may not even get an offer til June, and not close til July some time. I need to trust the universe to work it out in my behalf.

Actually, I think this is all that has unsettled me this morning, lol. Aside from the fact that my arthritis in my hands woke me in the middle of the night and I had to get up and take a couple ibuprofen. Louise Hay says problems with hands, wrists and elbows all have to do with handling new experiences and changes well, easily. That makes sense. I had the trauma of my relationship ending, and now this move to Florida, which, while I want it to happen, is anything but easy.

I didn’t handle the relationship ending at all well. For a long time I thought it would kill me. It took me 6 months to see the reality, the truth. To move on and away from it, from him. To see him for the who he is. That’s not to be putting him down, either. It’s just a fact. It was all about him, and always will be all about him. He’ll always be someone, too, who cannot stand up and be counted. It’s not my issue to deal with, it’s just a fact. It’s not what I want in a man. To know that, in my heart, allows me to let go easily. He was another life lesson. That’s all.

As for the moving…I’m not nervous about it being the right thing. It’s just resettling my son so that he’s comfortable and the logistics of the whole thing. It’s overwhelming to have to do it all by myself. It’s the way it is though, so I will just plug away at it.

I need to be grateful, I think. So here’s the list.

Grateful for:

My health

My son’s health

My sister and brother-in-law, and all they’ve done to help me.

The rest of my family.

My friends.

The financial ability to make the dream a reality.

My lovely home here, which I will miss.

That it will be 70 and sunny today.

Ok, feel better already. Love and light everyone.