This has been a rough week. I’m so so glad it’s Friday night. I wish I could…..

Could what? Geezus, I’m so tired, I forgot what I was wishing for.

For one thing, I haven’t felt well all week, which is so unusual for me. This intestinal thing is wearing me down I think. I think it’s better today, but still there. The cold hasn’t really materialized, but it hasn’t disappeared either.

For another….we were short handed at work, I mean really short handed. All week. It falls on me, I’ve been there for so long, to deal with it. We weren’t just short in my area, which is admin. We were short 2 engineers, a tech guy, a product manager…..so no one was available for calls but one person, who was continually on the phone, since he was the only one. It was triage all week. The balls we were trying to keep in the air continually were falling on the ground, we’d pick them up, start over again.

Too much stress for me. I have nothing to prove at this point in my life, except how quickly I can get out of there. Lol.

I’ve been struggling all week to get the utilities on in my house in Florida all week, while work was crazy. Because I had to have them on. The insurance requires it. My sister wants to go over next week, and the lights and water need to be working. They are, finally. I got an email from the water today saying it was on. Yesterday the electric was transferred to me.

I picked up my diabetes meds on Wed. Thursday morning I realized they didn’t give me one of them. Apparently it was out of refills, and my dr did not respond to their fax to get more refills. They didn’t send another request. So Thursday I had 3 left of that prescription. I called them today, and they can’t get it refilled till Monday. The pharmacist says, “I don’t think it will hurt you that much to miss it for one day.”

Whatever. I can’t fight it. No energy.

I went to lunch at the cove on the Connecticut River for a breather today. I’m trying to finish A Course in Miracles, while I’m at lunch. All I read was two pages. I kept re-reading them. Trying to understand. I still don’t think I do. Finally I closed the book, put on some meditation music and closed my eyes for about 10 minutes. I’m so lucky I’ve never fallen sound asleep doing that. There are always seagulls around there, by the water, and I always park right next to the water. When I opened my eyes, the seagulls were all just hanging by the water as usual, except one. He was standing alone, about 10 feet from my driver’s door, looking at me as if he knew me. Just staring at me.

Probably thinking, “what the hell is this 65 yr old woman doing parked down here by the water so close to us gulls….” I got my hair cut and highlighted last night, maybe I didn’t look quite my age, lol.

I drove back to work, and felt strangely peaceful.

I’ve been struggling with the Scott thing lately. Wondering why I loved that man so much. Wondering what goes on in a mind like his, to be fucking us both, making us both think we were the only ones in his life, knowing how we both felt about him. (When I saw him in January, he said, “I must have been good, to be doing two women and they both believed they were the only ones.” He didn’t say it like he was bragging, more like, he was ashamed of it. Probably just an act for my benefit.  I bet secretly, he thought he was pretty cool, to get away with it for so long.) And then….adding insult to injury, denying me over and over to her, showing her my writing about our intimacy, sharing that with someone. Things about the most intimate part of our relationship. It hurts, then it’s nauseating. Then it hurts again. Then it makes me sick again. Being already sick, it was not a good thing. I remember when he sent me a naked picture of her in his jacuzzi, and I got angry with him. But not her, nope. She had to tell me. She didn’t get mad at him for showing her something that she obviously should not have seen. Something obviously personal and private. That probably bothers me as much as the fact that he was doing us both. Scumbag. And I loved him. I hope someday, it all just goes in and out of my head, and arouses no emotion at all.

I’m so tired. I sat down on my couch tonight, ate some dinner, and fell asleep at about 7:30. Wishing I had someone’s shoulder to lean on. Someone’s arm to pull me in and let me rest. Trouble is, I can’t find one person that interests me. So, I guess I will have to make do with my pillow. Just, sick of being alone. But don’t want to even allow someone in to put their toe in the door, for fear of another asshole.

I still have some work to do. It seems like I get through one layer, and think I’m done, I’m there, I’m ok now. And I am for a while. But then another layer begins to surface, and has to be dealt with. You know, I’ve only known this man for 2 years, 3Fucking% of my life. He occupies way too much of my sentient mind for the amount of time I spent with him. I think the next layer that comes, I should just rip it out and throw it out. Enough is enough. I suppose that most of the angst comes from the fact that I allowed this. That I didn’t insist that he leave me alone a year ago when he began seeing her and pushing me away. I tried, but not hard enough. Betty told me, in reference to her relationship with him, that “It won’t be over until he says it is.” Why she wanted to give up her power like that I don’t know. I do know that that’s what he thinks, that’s a big part of why he would never let me go. When he tried and I agreed, he’d ask me over. When I tried, he’d disagree, and give me a hair more than he had been to hold on to me, to keep me in.

Now, he stopped communicating, after I sent him a vitriolic email in response to him trying to tell me what to write about, after I found out he’d shown her all my private writing. That was about a month or so ago. I was as angry as the night I found out he’d been with her all summer. Put up the Fuck Off blog that night. He called, a couple weeks ago, and hung up, and refused to talk to me when I called back. I didn’t care, really, if I talked to him. I haven’t tried to call him again. He’d called, I was on the phone and couldn’t answer it. He hung up leaving no message, I called back. What is he? In high school? I have said that so much.

Well writing it out helps. Helps me to see how immature, how ridiculous his behavior is. It is/was sick, I will always be angry that he shared our private stuff with anyone. That he can’t keep his word, that he can deny what clearly was true. But I think I just ripped up this layer and threw it out. Cuz that’s what us bloggers do. We write about it and let it go.

Going to bed. Love and light.

I guess the stress has caught up to me. Buying a house, selling a house, getting a house ready to sell. Covering two other desks at work. Worrying about my son moving to CO by himself. Just stressed. This morning, I still have this lower intestinal tract bug, though it’s better, and now I have a sore throat and a headache. My son has had a head cold, I probably got it from him. UGH.

In addition, I keep thinking I need to tell my boss what is going on with me, which is a big stressor.  He hired someone to replace my friend who retired a couple months ago, but this person is too irresponsible for this job.  She is a really nice person, but she misses way too much work. For legitimate reasons usually, but if you miss a day or two of work every couple weeks, it’s just not a good fit. Her desk needs someone there. When she’s not I have to cover it, I get behind. Anyway, if he’s going to replace her, which I’m pretty sure he is, he needs to do it soon, so I can train the replacement, before I have to train my own replacement. No one else knows how to do the job, so it would be up to me to do the training on both that job and my job. I don’t want to be trying to do them both at the same time if my house sells.

More stress.

So, I took my probiotics for my stomach. I took a bunch of immune things he got from his job for the headache sore throat, and I took some zinc, which usually seems to work for me.

I have an appointment for my hair tonight after work. That should make me feel better. 🙂

I don’t want to get really sick. My bff is having a bonfire at her house Saturday night, and lots of my best friends, and I want to go, I don’t want to be sick. She is known for throwing great parties, and this is kind of spur of the moment. She sent out a group text inviting people, there were 22 responses in about 20 minutes. So my goal today is to head this cold off at the pass.

I always read before I go to sleep. It calms my mind. I read until I can’t keep my eyes open. I usually have at least two books going, one fiction, one non-fiction. Last night I was reading the fiction book, which I bought off of Bookbub for 99 cents. It looked pretty good, but it seems a little dark for where I am lately. So I scanned through my kindle and I have a book I just bought, by Marianne Williamson, The Gift of Change. I bought it a while ago, and forgot I’d bought it. I started it last night, and it was perfect. Continuing lessons from A Course in Miracles. She is brilliant. With all the change happening in my life, it is the perfect book. I know it will help me to make the changes I am making more easily, and remain true to myself. She, and Brene Brown, and Elizabeth Gilbert are my favorite authors, speakers, thinkers. They just totally get it.

Need to get ready for work. And raise my vibration a little, to manifest my health back into shape.

Love and light all.

In light of my last post, I thought this meme was appropriate.  If you read even just a few of my blogs, you know I believe in forgiveness and the power of unconditional love.  So…I had a little revelation today, just an outgrowth of one I’d already had.  It was not a big deal. I’ve seen his darkness, not just this time but so many times.  He will tell you he loves the darkness.  Well, I have to move on.  So I have to forgive, say a prayer, let the alchemy happen.  I gotta really feel sorry for anyone who consciously chooses the darkness.

I was just reading the email thread between Betty and I when she first found out about me and started reading my blog. We were both so aware we’d been played, saw him so clearly, we had no problems between us. Just two women who loved and got played by the same guy. 

Enter Scott, who could not stand that he was left out of the communication. He figured out the only way to stop me was to be with me, and the only way to get her back was to make her jealous. And so he played us both a second time. And it worked!  He got some wild sex for a few  weeks and he got her jealous. He was in a win win situation.  

I feel bad that I got so angry with her. She was so traumatized by him, and he played on what he knew were her weaknesses, telling her what she wanted to hear because it eased her pain. Whether or not it was true didn’t matter. And he’s oh, so good at making you believe. Me and her. 

He pitted us against each other to stop the communication. He used her jealous nature. He used my temper.  He got us to stop talking. 

Like I said he’s good. He’s fucking good. 

It doesn’t really matter now. I am pretty removed from it all anyway, and soon I’ll be far far away. Betty will have to decide for herself. But I think I’ll unblock her email just in case she feels the need to reach out. 

It was just one of those post trauma revelations we have, trying to understand how things went down. How she snd I went from a supportive relationship to where we are now.  I know a good part of the problem was that I was with him, and talking to her. I needed to be with him, for my own personal healing. But I was pretty disingenuous with her, looking back. And him???? OMG, he was such a liar, not so much to me, but to her. I feel for her really. Because she wanted to believe him, she was already so traumatized by what he’d done.  I get it. You get to a point you just want the pain to stop.  Whether or not she’s with him now, some day the truth will rear it’s head, the universe will right itself, and she’ll know she was played, by him again and again.  For his own pleasure. Because it’s all about him. Always had been. Always will be. 

How I allowed myself to be used again is beyond me, but it’s s lesson learned.  I can’t say I’m mad about it now, because I should have been smart enough to see what was going on. Just here, putting it out there, once again, to have the truth on the table.  Just saying, oh I get what happened, I see more clearly now. Just owning up. Standing in my story. 

Gonna go back to Marianne Williamson’s suggestion to pray for those who betray us.  Because at the end of the day, only love can fix a man like him.  The universe’s love, lol. That unconditional kind. Not the kind of love I lavished  on him. That’s now reserved for soneone who will appreciate and reciprocate it. 

Love and light. 

I have not been sleeping well lately. Waking up every two hours. That’s fairly normal for me, I am not a good sleeper. I used to be, way back in the day before I realized my ex was trying to systematically steal my soul. It’s better now, I can usually sleep without help, but still I have those nights where sleep evades me.

I also have some digestive issues going on. Not going to the dr, yet, but trying to deal with them myself. Louise Hay says they are caused by “fear, rejection, and running off.” Am I still subconsciously feeling all that? I don’t know.

Fear? I think if I’m fearful it’s about my son moving to CO, being on his own in a new place, not being there for him, though I still will be, but not the same as when we are in the same house. I know I am struggling with this, but I also know he needs to do this. It’s time, he’s ready. As ready as he ever will be. He’s not good with change, and I suppose that’s part of what I’m worried about.

Rejection? Well, yes, I was definitely rejected. But I realize that is not because of who I am, but because of who he is, how he perceives life. I do think I have a little trouble comprehending the choices that he made, makes, but that is getting farther and farther from my mind. I don’t really think too much about it any more. I’ve dissected what happened with him, over and over again. I think I have all the answers I need. I’m moving on, moving away. Which leads me to the last thing.

Running off? I don’t think so. I have been planning this move since before I met him. He has known it since a few months into our relationship. Maybe it affected his choices but I don’t think so. He asked what we would do when I moved. I said, “Are you going to work forever? Don’t you want to come to Florida to visit? Can’t I come up here? In between we can each have our space.” He wanted his space so much, with me anyway. I’m not sure he really did, but was just keeping his distance, in case Betty came back, which I guess he thought she might, because she did.

Whatever, I don’t think I’m running off. I’ve been planning this for at least 2 years, it’s the only way I can retire, is to move, to have a home with no mortgage, where it’s less expensive to live. I want to be where it’s warm, where I have family for once in my life. It will be a good thing for me. It will be a perfect life for me. He could have joined me in it, but I wasn’t the one he wanted to do that with, and honestly, that was a blessing, because it never would have worked. He was way too resistant to rising. Way too resistant to evolving his soul, and that’s what my life is all about. So, I’m not running away. I’m running toward.

I’ve been taking pro-biotics, hopefully they will help, and whatever this bug is will go away.

I had book club last night. It was, as always, fun to hang out with my good friends talking about what we love to talk about. Our individual journeys. We talked about dreams, vivid lucid dreams, and whether there can be soul travel during dreams. We talked about creativity and how important it is that everyone use their creativity, how everyone has creativity. We picked our book for next time, The Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. A couple of us have already read it, but are totally willing to read it again. It’s been years since I first read it. I’m trying actually, to finish the actual text of A Course in Miracles. I have about 70 pages left, after having put it down for months. They all offered to come over and help me pack, when I get the house sold.

We had our primary in CT yesterday, and I was feeling the BERN. I love that man. He did well, in the early returns he was winning here, but eventually, lost by 5 points to Hillary. I’m happy though, his candidacy finally got my son to register and vote for his first time. The fact that Bernie did so well at all is heartening to me. Because it shows a huge shift in this country, away from the fear of socialism to many people beginning to embrace it. Donald Trump….. Geezus, he scares me. I don’t know how anyone can take him seriously, can actually want a man like that as president. It boggles the mind.

Well, off to work. Love and light everyone.

Not understanding this one concept causes more damage to this world than probably any other thing.  Not understanding it causes shame, which causes people to act out in many terrible ways, trying to prove they are worthy, to themselves and others, of love and belonging.  I have known people, intimately, who have acted out in dangerous and selfish ways, trying to prove to themselves that they are worthy of something.

I wish everyone knew that they are, just because they exist.  All the pretense, all the games would just go away.  Like Brene says, when we are born, we are wired for struggle.  But we are also worthy, during that life-long struggle, of love and belonging.

The answer is always love.  John Lennon was right.  All we need is love.

Ok, I’m not that bad. I’d be afraid to bathe in it, too afraid the chocolate might get somewhere that would be too hard to wash away.  But, I do love chocolate. I mean, seriously, like so many other people, lol. When I go to Whole Foods, I have to go by their chocolate department, I call it the chocolate wall, and see what’s new and buy my favorite chocolate. Green and Black’s dark chocolate with crystallized ginger. Mmmm. So last Friday before the gongs, I ate there, and got two bars of that…but I bought a new bar, which was dark chocolate, lavender and sea salt. They had rose, too. And a couple more. I had to buy the lavender, and try it. It’s weird, but it’s good!

I went to a chocolate fair there once. Some common run of the mill things, like chocolate dipped fruit. Chocolate pizza, which was a total dessert, lol. Salmon (wild caught) sauteed with cocoa powder. That was delicious! Then a man handed my friend and I something on a stick, coated with chocolate. We asked, “What is it?” “Chocolate covered bacon.” !!!! And DAMN, that was really good!!!! You know how people say everything is better with bacon? Well, it’s really better with chocolate too, lol.

So, I’m sitting on my couch, in my jammies, after working a 10 hour day, short handed….eating some of my Green and Black’s (just 2 squares) and lavender sea salt dark chocolate (just one square). The day was crazy, but I managed to get through it with a smile on my face, not lose it once. Not when our rep from Canada couldn’t get something through customs and I had to call UPS customs, only to find out the rep needed to call his customer, which he would have known if he asked a few questions, lol. Not when my boss gave me personal stuff to do for him, while I was covering 3 desks. Not when my computer decided to change my printing parameters on some docs I needed and it took me 20 minutes to get them to print right. Not when someone came to me to find out where lunch was for the engineers in a meeting…..and no one had ordered it because it was supposed to be done by the girl who didn’t come to work. So I had to order it, set up the room…yada yada yada.

It must be because I know this won’t be my norm for much longer. I don’t have to look at endless years of being the one who takes care of everything, Just months…and hopefully not that many. It’s lovely, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And the view…where the light is…. Let’s just say, it’s motivating, it’s inspiring, and it’s relaxing.

I’ve been writing a lot of poetry lately, it seems. It feels different. It seems it’s coming from a place more distant, a place where I can stand back a bit and see more clearly. It doesn’t hurt, which is nice, but it’s real. I’ve allowed myself to describe the feelings, without the pain. Just telling the story. I hope there’s more, because it feels really good, a good place to be in. It also feels healing. It’s different for me, than pouring out the pain, or anger. Stronger. Wiser. Smarter.

I think it’s the right path to be on, for my move to Florida. I still think about him a lot, a real lot. But it’s more abstract, it’s tempered with reality now, who he is, what he does as a matter of practice. I was thinking today, how he once asked me (a long time ago) if we lived together would we have sex every day. LOL. But I thought today, OMG, live with him???!!!! He would have made me crazy to live with. So unhappy. So secretive. So needing his “space”. Always withholding. Taking, never giving. A bunch of silly rules that just dull everything. But it would have been his constant unhappiness that would have made me crazy. Blaming the women in his life, his father, his mother, whoever. Not feeling well, looking for sympathy. UGH. Funny how I can see it now. And not want it.

Well, anyway. Still rising strong, I guess. It’s all good. Chocolate rewards, lol.

Love and light.