Struggling a bit last night. Wanting what wasn’t, trying to accept what was, what is. 

Attachment, according to Buddha I think, is the basis of all suffering. So difficult to not be attached.  To a person in our lives or even to an outcome. 

Still a lot of work to do there. Hard to let go of what we want.  Seems I think I’ve let go at times but the next day I know I have not. 

Someone I care for told me my sign, Aries, can’t hold a grudge more than 24 hrs. I’d say that’s true. Not only for a grudge, but for letting go. That’s about how long I can let go. 

Sigh…..

Floating.

Observing the emotion that nips at my heels.

Observing the mundane that weaves in and out of my life.

Floating, seeing where I was, where I am, where I could go

If I could just figure out the direction.

Pausing, over the things for which I have longing.

Pausing, over the things that were once so sweet,

Now so bitter.  Or, just gone tasteless.

Sighing, over the things that could be yet to come.

Without certainty.

In slow circles I float, and I see them, and I wonder

If they are what I want.

Do I know?

How nice to have a perch where I can see it all.

All the choices, past and present.

Even the future, if I choose the path.

How I got here, where I am headed.

Choose and float back down.

The guy I was hoping for is the one who showed up.  It was a gorgeous weekend.  Feeling happy tonight.

I went to a gong bath again last night.  I had stayed up til about 1:30 am or 2 the night before, texting with S.  It was a productive texting session, started out a bit contentious, and ended with understanding, and I think we felt closer to each other.  At least, from my perspective.  I can’t speak for S.

The gong bath is a meditation that takes place with multiple gongs, crystal bowls, rainsticks, ocean drums, and other vibrational instruments.  It lasts from an hour to an hour and a half.  Lights out, laying on the floor or some folks use zero-gravity chairs.  I prefer the floor, because I like to move, change position.  Chair is too confining.

I have done, as I have written about before, some of my best healing work at the gong bath.  Sound healing, vibrational healing is finding it’s way more and more into the mainstream.  I’ve been going faithfully for about 5 years.  Sometimes profound, sometimes just relaxing.  Sometimes the real effects don’t come out for days.  Sometimes I just come out of it with some clarity.

Which was last night.  It’s obviously been a difficult week for S and I (as I’ve blogged incessantly about).  Yesterday, after our late night texting session, we continued our conversation.  I have been ambivalent about whether or not I wanted to see S this weekend, because the last few times we have been together were so difficult.  When the gongs went silent last night, I knew that I wanted to see him, that I missed him.  But I wanted the guy I fell for…the funny, sweet, outside-the-box guy. The blue eyes that I can swim in. The one who can make me feel cared for.

We talked when I got home.  I am hopeful that that’s the guy that’s gonna show up at some point this weekend.  I miss him so much……  🙂

I heard his voice today.
He didn’t call.
I played an old voice mail
To remember what he sounded like.

I remembered his blue blue eyes.
I remembered him taking me to the beach
in winter.

How we pointed out the islands that we both knew,
far offshore.
We counted the boats,
Only a few.
Fishin’ boats, mostly. In the winter.

It was cold.
It was beautiful.
The vast blue sea,
And the blue blue sky.
Watching the waves roll up onto the sand.
Connected.

I remembered his arm around me then.
I remembered our flirting.
I remembered furtive glances around as we reached for each other.

Then I remembered the night before and that morning.
How he didn’t want me there.
How he didn’t want to even touch me.
Let alone kiss me.

How hard and cold those eyes became
As he told me how annoyed he was
That I was jealous.

“Do you want to eat the same thing for dinner every night?”
Those cold blue eyes asked me.
“When you bought a car, didn’t you test drive a lot of cars?”

I answered, without looking at him.
“I know what I want. I don’t have to go shopping for a man.
When I choose a meal off the menu, I don’t need to taste them all.”

He was telling me that he wanted to try lots of women.
He told me that 10 days before he fucked the prison whore.
And then he fucked her.

I remember how cold he was when he told me
He didn’t want a relationship.
He didn’t think he ever wanted to be in love again.

I put my head in my hands.
I couldn’t look at him.
Tears in my eyes….
Don’t let him see.

“I should just go.” I said.
“What good would that do?” He asked.

I couldn’t stay.
There was only pain in staying.

The cold steel blue eyes that didn’t look at me.
Or to me.
Or for me.
They ignored me.

Why should I stay?
Why would I stay?

I get it, now.
Sometimes he wants me…..
Sometimes I amuse him.
Sometimes I make him smile.

Most times I am a burden to him.
Because I care too much.
I want too much.
I dream too much.

So, I left.
I went home to my safe haven.
I remembered when he was here.
I remembered when I left his house
Only an hour ago.

I tried to forget the kiss.
I tried to forget as much as I could.
It won’t ever be the same again.

Now I know.
A few moments of bliss,
in exchange for weeks of uncertainty.
Sometimes downright pain.

I let go.
My fingers slipped out of his grasp,
Beyond his reach.
I let go.

Meditation is part of my daily practice.  I generally choose a thought, such as giving,healing, acceptance, gratitude…to focus on.  Chosen by where I am at the time.  If I can’t decide, gratitude is the default.  It’s where I go when I don’t know where to go.

This morning I went to gratitude.  Maybe not because I didn’t know where I was, but because I was truly grateful.  I slept 9 hours last night.  I woke to a beautiful sunny spring day,  And I am not missing S.  I think I finally see the truth about that relationship and can let go of my almost obsessive desire to have him love me, and to love him.  It isn’t,wasn’t, healthy for me.  It was really all about him, and what he wanted or didn’t want.  I could like it or lump it.  I guess I’m lumping it.

So I’m grateful that he blocked me.!  It made me stop, look and listen.  Maybe especially because the reason he chose was in such contrast to our difficulties of the last week.  Here he was going back on the dating site, telling me how would he know if I was the one if he couldn’t see what other women were like.  Then telling me he didn’t want a relationship, or think he ever wanted to love again.

I mean, really, cutting me loose.  Trying to get me to back off.  And then going off on me because I was rethinking saying goodbye to another man.  Talk about contradiction!

At the same time, I was feeling bad not having answered A’s last text, for about a week.  A didn’t deserve to be ignored, yet I was ignoring him because I was trying to keep S. happy.  And I knew it was wrong to disrespect A, in the interest of keeping S happy.  Finally, when S’s behavior told me loud and clear that I was fooling myself, that I had been cut off, yet again, from his affection for no good reason, I realized that was what I was doing to A, and decided that I would at least respond, and say goodbye to him.

I sent him a text, just clarifying something I’d said about me being easily pulled away from him, and told him I was grateful for his short presence in my life, and to let me know when he got back from TX.  He responded, he’s not giving himself away to me, which is fine, but it was a positive, friendly response.  I’m sure he’s wary of me, and that’s ok.  I have no designs on him, I don’t want to start anything up, I just want to give him, and I guess myself, closure.

And oddly, seconds after I sent him the text, I get the text from S, saying “Good luck with coffee guy you fucking pig.  You deserve each other.”

Which blindsided me.  But really…the timing was weird. But S and I have always had a very non-verbal, energetic connection. I never said in my blog that I was gonna see A.  Just that I was reconsidering it.  As for deserving each other, well, perhaps we do, lol.  We are both capable of love, and caring…..and kindness, and neither of us is afraid to be vulnerable.

But I don’t want A…maybe because he’s gonna move 2000 miles away shortly. Idk.  I’m not physically attracted to him, really. IDK.  When I was with him before, I was still so stuck on S.  I’m not now, (at least at the moment) but I still don’t feel really attracted to A.  But he’s a nice guy, could be a good friend only.  No benefits, lol.  I don’t, can’t do that. Much to S’s consternation, that’s what he wanted, was sex with no commitment from or to me.  But that just demeans the beauty of sex, to lower it to something I can do with anyone, even if I don’t give a shit about them.  UGH.

So, I’m grateful this morning, to continue to gain clarity on my life, on my relationships, on who I am, on what I want.  Just grateful.  It’s so odd, that I am grateful to S, for pulling himself from my life, so I could gain it.  In my best Byron Katie voice I will say, “it’s supposed to be that way.  How do I know?  Because it is….”

It’s the morning after.  Wasn’t there a song titled “The Morning After”?  It was the theme song to the first Poseidon Adventure?  Well, yeah, the ship sank last night for sure.

I did not sleep well, in fact not at all until about 4 AM.  S and I are apparently through, since he got so aggravated over my rethinking saying goodbye to A that he had to call me a “fucking pig” and block me from his phone. Pretty ridiculous, considering when I first told him that A wanted to see me he said, “What’s it going to hurt?  You parted on good terms, go say goodbye to the guy.”  Last night I got, “Good luck with the coffee guy, you deserve each other.”  I was like “what are you talking about?”

S knows how I feel about A.  That A is a very nice man, that he was crazy about me, but I couldn’t drum up the passion because I wanted S.  WTF, I kept asking S, WTF???

I just rethought saying goodbye because I started seeing how bitchy I was being to a guy who did nothing wrong except fall for the wrong woman.  I just didn’t want to be bitchy. I didn’t want that karma.  For God’s sake, I didn’t say I was gonna sleep with him. If he still wants to see me, then I’ll meet him somewhere or a drink or a cup of coffee and say goodbye.  Geezus.  That’ makes me a fucking pig, I guess.  whatever.

It’s so crazy that I can’t even address it, even if I could talk to S.  S has made it clear he only wanted me as a friend for the lasts few weeks.  He’s acting crazy.  I’ll probably get a box in the mail now, with all the gifts I gave him sent back to me.  And honestly, right now, I don’t really care.

I’ve had insanity in my life before.  I walked away.  I fell out of love with my ex because of his over the top reactions that had nothing to do with reality.  This morning, I think I will miss the good times with S, but the dream of what could have been has been destroyed.  By his temper, by his lack of care and concern, by his fucking the prison whore and turning my life inside out.  He’s gone over the top.  I was able to walk away on Sunday and come home, I can make the journey emotionally today.  I feel disconnected from him right now.

I think I’ll just stop dating until I can retire and move to Florida.  I think I’ve had my fill of men.  At least, some men.  I still believe there is a man somewhere who will appreciate a woman like me. I don’t want to grow old alone, but alone is better than living with chaos and insanity.

Peace out.

I need to clarify something. S apparently read my last blog about finding solid ground.  He decided that since I was rethinking saying goodbye to A that meant I wanted to be with him. Despite the fact that I clearly said it did not mean that. So here’s the clarification. 

There would be no A if S hadn’t fucked the prison whore.  (See older blogs from January-February.)  A coincidentally showed up in my life right after I found out about the prison whore, when I was broken and bruised and devastated.  

But it’s simple, in case you’re reading this, S. If the prison whore had not come into my life neither would A, the “coffee guy”.  I have made it repeatedly clear in this blog and to S personally that I couldn’t find any passion for A because he wasn’t S.  I don’t want A any more than S wants the prison whore. 

Tonight S suggested that we split up because we can’t seem to get together. He read the blog after saying that to me. And called me a nasty name and blocked me. Thus I am publishing this here because I have no other access to S and maybe he will read this. Apparently  the fact that he doesn’t want me doesn’t stop him from not wanting anyone else to have me.

But the point is moot.  I don’t want A. All I ever wanted was S.   The love remains.  But the absolute ridiculousness of the accusation will remain also until S removes it. 

I just ran across this….Just kinda had to put it up here!