Looking for Solid Ground

Posted on by learning to live like water

Broken sleep.  Wake to a grey rainy day. It matches my mood.  It isn’t cold, That’s a blessing.  But it’s dark, the way I feel.  It’s dull, non-descript.  It’s going to rain soon.

It’s how I feel.  Grey.  Muted.  Non-descript.  Realizing that I have given myself away, and I’m empty.

A wants to see me again.  He’s moving.  He wants to see me before he goes.  I have not wanted to.  Why?  He was nothing but loving and kind, his only crime was that he was not S.

S….is currently breaking my heart, again.  It doesn’t make me want A.  It makes me want to crawl into a hole and not come out until I’ve stopped loving him.

It just makes me rethink not saying goodbye to A.  It is a simple request.  I think I mostly said no because I knew the relationship with A bothered S.  Not wanting to disrupt the healing I thought was going on with S, I didn’t want to interject A into it again.

But now?  What healing goes on between S and I?  What was, is no more.  The schism grows daily. I don’t think my saying goodbye to A will make one bit of difference to S.  I am stopping dreaming of being wrapped in S’s arms, because it doesn’t happen.  I am pretty sure that when I see him I will aggravate him, I will find out another reason why he doesn’t want to be in love or a relationship, one more thing about why he loved his ex girlfriend, despite what she did to him.  I will feel his anger, or disappointment, that I am not her.  (Funny how my sin of not being her, is the same as A’s, that he was not S.)  I will feel bad that I want him to myself.  That I want him to love me.  I feel guilty? ashamed? embarassed? at the depth of my feeling that he cannot match. I want to hide from his gaze. I don’t want to see how he doesn’t love me.

I’m in a small boat, out on a big sea, alone.  I climb to the top of the swell, and see the beautiful world, and sky.  Then inevitably I glide down the swell, and all I can see it water all around me.  And one little patch of sky, to remind me there is more than the water.  I’m ready to be on solid ground again.

A Painful Impasse

Posted on by learning to live like water

She loved him so much. Every day she would wait to hear the popping sound of her text alert, just to know he was thinking of her. When he called….he melted her heart. Not by what he said, but by the sound of his voice. Sometimes she’d play his voice mails just to hear him.

He seemed to like her, most of the time. Once in awhile he would say something that gave her hope. Hope that maybe he was losing his fear. Hope that maybe he was going to allow himself the luxury of loving someone. Once or twice he kissed her like he meant it. And stayed with it through the night. She was in ecstasy.

Then….the darkness came. He wanted her around….But he didn’t want to know her. He wanted her close by, but he needed to be taken care of, but not to take care of her. At all. In any way. She made up excuses. He’s in a bad place. His friend is sick. She did the best she could to bring him some happiness, even if it was only temporary. When she left she said, “I hope I helped your sadness.” He said, “I think you definitely did.” But her sadness lay hidden deep in her heart until she left, and drove down his road with tears running down her cheeks.

The next time….he called her and asked her if she still wanted to come. Of course she did. She wanted to be with him more than anything. She wanted his strong arms around her. She dreamed of another long passionate kiss. He sounded happy, he told her the door was unlocked to come on in if he wasn’t home, he had errands to run.

But then….he said he wanted to talk, and told her he was very annoyed with her……she tries to restrict him, he says. She is trying to tie him down and bind him up, he says. Why is she so jealous, he asks. Can he not look at other women? He doesn’t want to be in love, he doesn’t want a serious relationship, (after almost a year…..) He still loves his ex girlfriend, (who was brutal to him).

And in her heart she was asking, why does he want to look at other women? Why doesn’t he look at the one he has? She was done looking. She found exactly what she wanted. She thought.

It came to her….he’s just not that into her. He complains about her all the time now. He holds her at an arms length. Don’t get too close….. Once again…feeling rejected, feeling alone. No care, no concern. As if he wanted her to go. In the middle of the night, she lay next to him. Listening to him sleep, snore. She knew….the truth was smacking her in the face in the wee hours of the morning. She shook the bed with her sobs, trying to be soundless so she wouldn’t wake him. She wanted to disappear, to get dressed in the dark, and silence and get in her car and go home. But she knew she couldn’t do it with out waking him. In the morning, she sat down on the bed and looked at him. She said, “you were right last night. This isn’t going to work out for us.”

Terrified, she went on to say how miserable she was. How alone. How much she loved him and she knew he didn’t feel the same. And how she was tired of trying to make it happen, and tired of being ignored, and uncared for.

It spilled out of her, like someone had punched a hole in the dam. She believed his kiss those few weeks ago. She thought they were finally in a similar place. But now she knows they are not. That he is once again fearful and pushing her away. Breaking her heart again.

They talked around and around, nothing was accomplished. She packed her stuff and went home. She drove, numb. She didn’t cry. She didn’t think. She had had 2 cups of coffee. Nothing else. She’d been up most of the night. She didn’t stop for anything, she just sped home. Down I-95. Up Route 85 and Route2.

Her house was empty, gratefully. She unpacked her bag. Looking at the lingerie she’d bought for him. She put it away. Would she wear it again, she wondered abstractly. She didn’t look for an answer. She wasn’t thinking. She didn’t want to think. She didn’t want to give form to what was going on. She wanted it to go away. She wanted to be in his arms and be sure of how he felt. She wanted him to reach for her in the night. She wanted……

She wanted what wasn’t there. Broken heart, splattered across I-95 and Route 2. Pieces of it scattered on the beaches from Watch Hill to Matunuck. Dreams that need putting away. Tears that need drying. Hope that needs squelching.

But what of the love? In the end, it’s the only thing there is. And when all the rest is finished, the love will remain. Forever.

Enmeshment…..It’s Ugly.

Posted on by learning to live like water

When I was going through my divorce, I belonged to an on-line support group for survivors of physical and emotional abuse.  (http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical-Emotional-Abuse/support-group).  I remained active in the group for about 5 years, and gained an enormous wealth of information regarding abuse, abusive relationships, and peripherally, dysfunctional relationships.

At first it was just the most enormous relief to me, to find out there was a name for what I lived through.  I found out there was a library of books to read, to educate myself.  There is an active forum, where people at all places on the path all over the world offer support and love.  I am still, years later, still close with the friends I made there.

One of the dysfunctional relationship types that are often part of an abusive family that I learned about was enmeshment.  Wikipedia describes this as a relationship “where personal boundaries were diffuse, sub-systems undifferentiated, and over-concern for others led to a loss of autonomous development.[1] Enmeshed in parental needs, trapped in a discrepant role function,[2] a child may lose his or her capacity for self-direction;,[3] his/her own distinctiveness, under the weight of psychic incest;[4] and, if family pressures increase, may end up becoming the identified patient or family scapegoat.[5]

Of particular interest to me is the part about a child trapped in parental needs.  I have seen first hand that this can occur with elderly parents and middle aged children.  The anger and pain of the child who has given up their own personal goals, and life, to care for an elderly disabled parent is no small thing.  The rage and anger it causes is visceral.  And often the rage and anger is at others in the family….siblings, spouses, children.  I have seen every thing that was done that aggravated the care-giving child their whole life, now becomes fodder to feed the rage, the ego, the martyr.

I heard “Why is this my lot?”  Well, me and my Byron Katie attitude wants to say, “Because it’s supposed to be.  How do I know? Because it is.”  Not that its supposed to be because of any reason that we as humans could understand.  But because there is a grander design, there is a soul journey that each of us undertakes that we cannot possibly understand in human terms. I could go on and on with New Age thought about past lives, and soul journeys…but suffice to say, that I don’t think there are any coincidences.  And if there aren’t we are all doing what we set out to do when we chose this life.

But enmeshment is ugly.  It’s so harmful, as one person gives up themselves for the care of another.  In this case, of the very elderly disabled person….I know in her right mind she would never want to be a burden to any of her children.  And for whatever reason, or for many reasons, the caregiver has put her own life on hold as she over extends to care for the elderly relative.  Now, she is full of resentment, anger, pain.  She is overwhelmed, unhealthy, resorting to Xanax, Ambien, and lots of alcohol to deal with it, instead of taking a breath and a walk, and regrouping.

The key to a successful journey is to get through it with your love and compassion intact.  Your sense of self expanded, not deflated.  Your joy made grander, your appreciation for life made fuller with each passing day.  There has to be a balance, one has to find a balance so that the caregiver still has their own life.  The caregiver has to demand it, if necessary.  Finding time in the day to read, or write, or paint….whatever it is that comes from your heart and makes you feel like you….has to be penciled in as mandatory.

I would like to tell this to this particular care giver.  At the moment I have been cut off, and will respect that boundary.  I hope at some point she realizes that attacking the people in her life that love her, and would support her, given the chance, will leave her all alone in the end, before it’s too late.

Enmeshment is ugly, and sad.  It leads nowhere.  And it’s difficult to find your way out of, because often those who would help you have been pushed too far away to extend a hand.

Being Intentional

Posted on by learning to live like water

My book club has been reading Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukov. It’s a small group, 5 of us. The book has a couple of chapters on intentions, and how important it is that we mindfully set intentions.

I first began to learn about intentions during my divorce. During that time I was seeking any and all information that could help me find my way through the minefield of ending a 40 year relationship, a 32 year marriage, and keep my head centered and grounded, and not get caught up in the vortex of negative emotions that surrounded it.

I’m not sure where or how the idea of setting intentions came to me. But at some point during the divorce I stopped thinking about how things were (scary, lonely, broke, sad, missing my son) and instead thinking about what I wanted them to be (my son with me, in my own beautiful sunlit home). I stopped wishing that my ex would get hit by a bus, and began dreaming about shopping for furniture.

4 years after I started that chaotic process, I had a beautiful home, on the side of a hill where the property is bordered by tall trees, and the sun shines through my skylights and warms my soul. My son and I have been very happy here.

So, I’m proof that intentions can work.

I started with parking places. Driving to the grocery store, or Walmart,I got in the habit of saying “I will get a good parking space. I will get a good parking space.” It has almost always worked. If, driving to work, I set the intention that the day would go smoothly, it often would.

Now….as with others in my book club, I don’t know what my intentions are. I watched Oprah say that after she read Seat of the Soul, she insisted that every show she did had an intention. So what are mine now?

To finish and publish my book, and have at least a few people who don’t know me buy it. To be able to retire comfortably in a warmer climate, and to spend my days making jewelry, writing, reading, performing reiki for people. Near or on a beach, listening to the sound of the waves, watching dolphins, collecting shells, eating fresh fruit and veggies, and maybe, if I really do it right, having the company of a special man to share it all with.

The thing is, I’m blessed with a wonderful life. My divorce was hard, contentious, drawn out, emotional. The same as all divorces. But I was blessed to have a wonderful close knit group of friends who saw me through it. Who helped me grow, who included me always. Like I told a friend at book club, I had a wonderful life the second I left that house where everything was broken down, let go, ad falling apart. The marriage was just one more thing that didn’t work anymore. The minute I was out, friends were at the door with the movers to help me begin my new life.

But back to intentions. Should I be setting them for some loftier goal? World peace maybe?

I think I have to, we all have to, listen to our hearts. To our gut. And follow our passion. Every thought we have affects the whole. Today I saw a video that a Korean woman had set up an experiment to show how her emotions affected water in bowls set out around here in a pattern of sacred geometry. It clearly showed how we our thoughts and emotions ripple outward.

The thing is, it would be easy to set a negative intention without even knowing you were doing it. If, for instance, you wake up dreading your day, thinking about what is going to go wrong at work, it probably will. We had an order at work that just went bad. First we got the wrong product. Then the right product got stuck in customs, then left behind at the UPS facility, twice, extra security scans…yada yada yada. I was saying to my boss, boy when an order goes wrong it really goes wrong.

But did it go wrong because we expected it to? It’s so easy, and is external ego power like Gary Zukov says, to find fault with others and play the blame game and expect it all to go bad. But was it partially caused by our acceptance, our expectation, that it would go bad?

As for world peace….well, I tend to believe that our souls choose these lives to learn specific lessons. And for some reason I don’t think the lesson I came here to learn was how to achieve world peace. But perhaps it was, how to achieve inner peace.

So, for now, I will continue setting intentions for finishing and publishing my book, for retiring where it is warm, for spending my days doing things that are a passion for me, and with, hopefully, someone who I’m passionate about and who is passionate about me.

Changing Perceptions

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had a wonderful day yesterday.  Went to a beach and saw a guy swimming.  It was about 25 or 30 and pretty windy, although it was sunny and clear.  The sea was calm on the surface, but there were large swells, making big and beautiful waves on shore.  He went in out of he water 3 or 4 times until he got out and put his clothes back on.  We walked past him as he got back in his car and my friend asked him if he did that often. He said he went in about once a month, year round.  That February was the coldest month.  Then he added, with a smile and enthusiasm, “But it’s such a beautiful day…..”  We agreed.



swimming in MarchI thought it was not something I could ever do…dressed in a turtleneck, sweatshirt, and winter coat, I was shivering.  My friend thought it was possible, he could see how someone could do it.  It’s all in the perception I think.  Perception can be changed, too.

That’s something else I learned this weekend.  Though my blog is called “Living Like Water” I was not walking that walk this weekend.  It was quite obvious that I have some work to do there.  My perception of what was going on was shadowed by my ego, by my past experience, baggage as it was.  My perception of some of the things I have written here, also has been clouded by these things.  I learned some things that changed my perception of the broader effects of some things I have written.

If I want to be authentic in my quest to live like water, I think my perception has to change about many things.  Perhaps seeing someone willing to plunge into ice cold water and come out of it smiling was meant to show me that life doesn’t have to proceed along my own narrow view.

Learning is sometimes a pleasant experience, and sometimes it is difficult.  What I dislike is when my learning a lesson has caused someone else discomfort, which it has.  And I feel blessed that it didn’t cause this person to run from me.  Yesterday was wonderful….and the learning was a pleasant experience, even if the actual lesson I learned made me take a hard cold look at myself.

He’s a Good Man 

Posted on by learning to live like water

Apparently, I can make a big deal out of nothing. I can be stupid and childish.  I misinterpret things that are said to mean what they did not. 

Friggin ego. Wants us to believe we are under attack. Ego is now on time out.  A long one. 

Thank goodness he cared enough to fight through it with me, until I could understand the truth. He’s a good man.  

Sitting With Our Sadness

Posted on by learning to live like water

Some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten in dealing with difficult emotions is to “just sit with it.”  This advice was given to a meditation group I used to go to once a week.  And honestly, that’s often what we would do for an hour or so there, just sit with whatever we were feeling, in the dark, with quiet music playing, or crystal bowls.  The same facilitator would also tell us, “We don’t need to go excavating.  If you don’t know what is making you sad, it doesn’t matter, just allow yourself to be sad, if you feel sad.  Honor that….”

So, I’ve done a lot of that. I’ve sat through my anger, I’ve sat through my sadness. Sitting with it, allowing it to surface, honoring what I feel, not denying any of it. There are no bad emotions, only bad reactions to them.

Those emotions that we don’t allow, and honor, and instead bury, don’t die. They fester, and rot, and make us sick, literally. I believe that years of unhappy living in a terrible marriage contributed far more to my diabetes than issues of genetics or weight. I don’t believe the body is separate from the mind. As the mind tries to hide from the unpleasant emotions, those emotions pop out somewhere physically. All illnesses have an emotional component. This is reason enough for me, to allow myself to sit with my sadness, anger, confusion, and honor that. Generally, when I have sat long enough with them, they bubble up, and then dissipate.

Meditation is part of my daily routine. I meditate every morning, almost, for about 15 minutes. I find the quiet time generally re-centers me, prepares me to stay focused throughout my day. There are times I catch a quick 5 minute refresher during my lunch hour.

Last night I did it again. I have been told by some people that I talk to much, that I should maybe keep my thoughts to myself, and resist the temptation to tell people exactly what I think. Last night, I silenced my voice, and instead I sat with my angst, my sadness, my confusion. I allowed myself to feel it all, in the middle of the night. For 3 hours.

What happens, when you just sit with it, is that generally acceptance of what is comes to you. Last night was no exception. This morning I accept the reality of what was bothering me, I acknowledge that things are not what I want them to be, and I stop my efforts to make them so. I am reminded of Byron Katie, who says things like, “How do I know it’s supposed to be that way? Because it is….”

As water finds it’s way, I will try to go with the flow. It may seem to be taking me from what I want, but generally, it will get me where I need to be eventually. I may meander from the straight line I wanted to travel, but I may find something beautiful and unexpected in the bend in the river. I may end up where I originally wanted to be but with a richer, fuller appreciation of it. Or I may end up somewhere new and fabulous.

We need, I need, to trust that the universe knows our desires and is conspiring in our behalf to make them reality.

Over-invested. 

Posted on by learning to live like water

So, if you have plans to spend Saturday night and Sunday day with someone, and then they ask if you’re available Friday night…..would you think that meant they wanted to spend more time with you? Or would you think it meant instead of Saturday night and Sunday?  

I guess it could go either way.  I wanted it to be the more time thing. So that’s what I believed it was, until it was clarified. And now I kinda want to cry because it actually means less time. 

I wish I could get on the same page with him. I’m always wearing my effing heart on my sleeve while he plays his cards close to his chest. 

I can’t change how I feel but I wish I could,until he’s there with me. So I’m not hanging out on that limb with one hand all the effing time. 

I guess I’ve come to the realization that despite him not wanting to be with anyone else, he really isn’t all that enthused about us either.

I think I need to back off. I’m way to invested in this. I should have known better. 

Fear and Trust

Posted on by learning to live like water

I spent 24 hours with S.  It was not what I expected, but I should know better than to have expectations when I’m with him.  I am considered by my friends to be outside the box, some of them say, in reference to me, “What box?”  S inspires my thinking to be even more outside, more creative, and it’s one thing I love about him.

I had thought, based on our first conversations Tuesday night, that we were more in the same place.  At that time, he had said and done some things that I had been waiting to hear for months.  I don’t believe he was saying them just to get me back in his life.  He is too honest to do that.  I think they were things that he felt at the time, but everything is fluid, always and ever changing.

Yesterday, he was pensive, not quite so ready to open his heart. Pulling his emotions back a little. It took me a little while to assimilate it all.  It turns out that my relationship with A was somewhat disturbing to him, that I went into it so quickly, that I didn’t take time to get over him.  I have tried to explain to S that A showed up when I was so down, so insecure, felt so bad about myself, that it was just good for me, to feel wanted, desired by someone.  I learned from A, that having someone adore you is not going to fill a hole created by someone else.  The fact that A was crazy about me was not enough to make me stop wanting to be with S.  And S is all I thought about all the time.  So a few short weeks with A, and I realized pretty quickly that I shouldn’t be there, and should try to repair whatever it was S and I had. I veered off course for awhile.

Yesterday, S kept asking me what was wrong.  He is very intuitive, and knew that things weren’t sitting with me well.  I couldn’t explain it at that time, I hadn’t yet allowed the feeling to form as a coherent thought in my head.  I thought about it when I got home, and I think it was caused by me putting myself out there on the vulnerability limb with him again, fully exposing how I felt and then realizing when I was there that while he may be more open to a real loving relationship with me, he is not there yet.  I had kind of thought he’d made up his mind.  It was confusing me, and scaring me.  I realize he too is still scared, and that’s what was holding him back.  Old fears, resurfacing.

I’m scared he won’t love me, he’s scared he will.

Fear sucks. I had to work at accepting what was yesterday, and being ok with it. I don’t think I did fully, until I got home. I think it helped S to tell me how he felt yesterday.  It was a productive day for us.  We talked a lot.  He took me to a greenhouse lush with tropical plants, lemon trees, hibiscus, bird of paradise…hot and humid. It felt like a jungle in there, while outside it was about a 25° wind chill.  It was a very cool excursion. We had fun, we flirted, and we got hot!  I thoroughly enjoyed it.

This morning I am not so afraid.  Trusting that things will work out the way they should.  I don’t like dangling from that vulnerability limb by myself.  I also know it’s the only way I can live, to lay things out on the table, and invite him to join me there.  I know he cares about me, and I have to let him make his way to the table, without my guidance.  I hope he gets there.  I hope he can open him heart to me, I think we could have a surprisingly wonderful time together.