Just Let the Joy Be

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s been a few days since I’ve written anything. I had to work late all week, not only to catch up from my few days off, but because I was covering someone else who was gone. I haven’t even unpacked yet from my trip.

I have been happy. Happy with my decision to be with S. His actions, his behavior, backs up what he told me he feels. Yeah, I’m vulnerable. Just thinking that to feel this happy….. and to stay in the moment with him…is not something I have done lightly, but I have followed my heart, my gut. It’s not like a trade off, I don’t think that eventually he’ll hurt me again and I’m not wondering will this current happiness be worth that pain. No…really, I think we are both evolving and presently our evolution is parallel. He learned something about himself, and I know he is truly sorry for the pain it caused me for him to learn that way.

The one thing that I’ve always appreciated about him is his honesty. He will tell me the truth, he will remain true to himself even if it hurts me. After living with someone for many years who was a pathological liar, I would so much rather have the brutal truth than a pretty lie. Any day. This he gives to me. He has now told me the whole truth….about the incident. While the thinking that led to it would be to most of us convoluted, I can understand, knowing him, how he arrived there, and for a few moments it seemed to be the only way for him to know what he wanted to find out. He realized within minutes it was wrong, and what the truth was, and he told it to me, and I believe him. I’m not going to explain him in this blog, because even as painful as it was, it is a gift to have him share himself so intimately and vulnerably with me, and so I will keep it in my heart.

I have heard from A a couple of times. He seems to be ok, it was a short relationship, only a few weeks, and it was going to end in a few months anyway. I think he had his place in my life, to remind me that I was desirable when I felt very much the opposite. I couldn’t drum up the same desire for him though, most likely because I was still in love with S. I think my place in his life was to renew his belief in his own spirit after his wife died, to help him to know again that death is only a transformation, not the end. It was good for both of us, but the once the purpose was accomplished it was destined to end.

I know now that my relationship with A was also hurtful to S, though he understands, it was still hurtful. I think we both will try harder to work within our relationship to resolve any issues, whether they be issues between us, or that we are having with ourselves. We both know we don’t want to be with anyone else. I know I am ready to do what needs to be done to build the relationship and not run at the first sign of trouble. Done running. Sick of running. I know that S did not tell me lightly that he didn’t want to be with anyone else, I trust that he also is in that place.

I went to a gong bath last night. I didn’t know what to expect, with all the emotions of the last couple of weeks. Not just S and A, but with my mom, my sis. As it turned out, harmony was the prevailing theme. The gongs seemed to be singing in harmony, as did the drums they play, and the bowls. S was not there physically, but I felt he was with me energetically, and that was very cool.

It was the vernal equinox last night, during the gong bath, which I think added to the energy. Thinking of all the unusual energy that was around yesterday, a solar eclipse, the equinox, the new moon. Of course, here in New England it snowed yet again, lol, and was cold.

I guess we just have to trust that spring will unfold as it should, even though it at times feels like it will never come. Kind of like being in a relationship. Sometimes, you just have to trust that it’s unfolding as it should. And let the joy be.

Resolution Begins

Posted on by learning to live like water

The day breaks on a new and old chapter of my life.  S was here last night, and made sense to me in a really unexpected way of the things he’s done that hurt me. Things he regrets, but felt were necessary for him to get the clarity he now has.

Who am I to judge him?  He did what was hard for him, he told me, he explained to me, and he sat through my tears and fears until they were gone.  He helped me to see the truth, not just the partial truth that my ego wanted me to see, but the whole truth, that my soul understood.

He remains the most interesting, funny, and altogether lovable man I have ever known, when I allow myself outside the bounds of past conditioning, and old beliefs.  I am grateful that he hung in there for these 2 months, until I could see and talk to him.

We will move forward, and see what the future holds.  He is open to whatever happens, which is a huge step for him.  I am open to understanding him, and to finding out the truth in all situations. Instead of allowing my ego to falsely protect me from the truth.

He’s a good man.  Unique.  Special.  And he has my heart.

Introspection

Posted on by learning to live like water

Back from Florida. Did a lot of introspection there.  It’s easy when you’re alone in a beautiful beach in the sunshine, to figure out what you want. Cried some tears. Had some smiles. Found a whole sand dollar. 

Opened the communication with S. Feeling good about it. We are going to talk.  All I know is, whenever anything happened, I wanted to tell him. Guy “A” is like a brother. S is like a lover. I missed him. He misses me. He has done a lot of introspection too.  We will see if we can’t meet somewhere in between. 

One of my friends told me after 35 or 40 years of marriage she still feels it in her gut when she sees her husband. That’s how I feel about S. Happy excited butterflies. We will figure it out I think. I hope. 

Sunny Florida and a Message from a Dolphin. 

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m in Florida. Had to get up at 3 AM yesterday to make a 6 AM flight.  I went to Detroit first and then Florida. Makes a lot of sense right?  So I’m writing this from my phone.  I don’t know how well it’s going to come out. 

The flight here was uneventful and I slept a lot of the way here.  But it was awesome at one point when  I opened my eyes and looked out the window and saw green below and not white. It was 86 here when I got here. 

My new guy, A, brought me to the airport. Very sweet of him to get up so early to bring me to the airport and he wanted to do it. He also wants to pick me up and my plane doesn’t get in until 10 after midnight. I am so not used to being treated like this.  I really like him, i really do. I don’t find myself with the passion that I wish I had for him though. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m not over S, or if it’s because I know he is moving and I’m just don’t want to hurt badly when he goes. Probably a combination of both. 

This place is so beautiful, such another world. Peacocks are roosting in the tree next to the house. Seabreezes come from both directions because the island is about a quarter-mile wide  here with the intracoastal on one  side and the Gulf of Mexico on the other. We go down to the town dock in the morning and watch the sunrise over the intercoastal. Someone was docking the sailboat while we were there. I found myself wishing I was on the sailboat. 



Last night we were having dinner at a little restaurant on the water a block from where my sister lives.  I was saying that I have never seen a dolphin in the wild. Two minutes later one showed up and did quite a little display for us. And then swam along the shore right in front of us so he was out of sight. 

Dolphins are connected with breath and emotional release. Perhaps that’s what I’m supposed to do here. To remember to breathe and sort out all my confused emotions. 

It was wonderful to see my mother. She is doing so well. 93 yrs old and even tho we can’t understand most of what she says because of her stroke, the essential mom is still here.  I am training in  how to take care of her so that Saturday night I can take care of her and my sister and brother-in-law a well-deserved night out. 

When I got here mom was sleeping. When she woke up I gave her a big hug and she was so surprised because she can’t remember much so she had forgot I was coming.  I asked her “didn’t you know I was coming today?”  She answered me in a big loud voice “Noooooo”. She was so happy.  I feel so blessed this morning to still have her. We are going to take her over to the beach today and wheel her along on the sidewalks. She was very excited about that idea!!  

I told S I would call him from down here if I get some free time.  He has been wanting to talk to me and says he needs it for closure.  I have missed him but I also know it’s not good for me.  I’ve been emailing and texting him.  I wish we could just be friends but I don’t think it’s possible.  There’s too much sexual energy between us.  When I’m by the water here I really miss him, because I know when he looks at the water he feels like I do.  I still feel like i knew him in a past life. I think our souls are very connected somehow.  

I’m feeling dishonest with A because I’m talking to S. Going to need to sort this out while I’m down here. I hope I can. 

In the meantime I’m going to remember the dolphin the message that it brought.  

My Personal Freedom Day.

Posted on by learning to live like water

Today is my Freedom Day. The 10th of March. Eight years ago today, I left an abusive 30 year marriage. I moved out with 3 pieces of furniture, enough kitchen stuff that I could cook, and my clothes.

I spent the night in my new home, a rented condo. And slept the first peaceful sleep I’d had in years. It had taken me 5 years of planning, scheming, hiding money, breaking emotional ties. Clawing my way to the surface. I had to somehow get a car in my name, so he wouldn’t call the police saying I’d stolen his car. I had to get a job, on my own, without his blessing, while I worked with him, for him, in our business. I had to hide money which was always in short supply. I had to somehow hire an attorney. Thank God for credit cards.

I had to leave my 14 year old son, and somehow find a way to help him see he had a different choice. He did….18 months later he left his father’s to go to school, came home to my house and never looked back.

So, 8 years ago today, it all came together and I started my new life. It took me 4 years to finish it off, it was epic, all the way to our state Supreme Court as he appealed the lower court decision, and tried to make me accept less than 10% of the modest estate we’d built.

But life now is so much better than I ever dreamed it could be. I am proof, that thoughts become things, that once you know what you want, the universe conspires to make it happen.  I live in a lovely home, that is MINE,I have a good job, my son is doing extraordinarily well, I have the most wonderful group of friends, and I have a new man in my life who is teaching me what it feels like to be really cared for.

You gotta believe. You can do it. And remember, love never hurts. If it hurts, it isn’t love. So, love yourself enough to find a way to leave, if you’re living in an abusive situation. It’s hard….but nothings harder than staying.

Why Do Fools Fall In Love?

Posted on by learning to live like water

What makes us fall in love with someone? I guess that’s like the $64 million question.

S…was aloof, trying hard not to love me. He wanted to keep his distance, keep himself to himself. He slowly let me into his life, but he didn’t want to have to take care of me. In the sense of our physical connection. Emotionally, he didn’t want to feel obligated to me, to behave in any way just because of me. He didn’t like to kiss. He didn’t like to hold hands, or any other PDA’s. He made me cry, he would tell me that he didn’t want a relationship though he was in one, that he wanted to date lots of women, though he wasn’t. He is a bad boy. Sounds like an asshole right?

But when he was sweet, he was so sweet. He would take me on Sunday afternoon excursions, and on those drives, he would let me into his life. He would tell me stories, he was such a good story teller. He would take me to some pretty special, beautiful places on the water. He loved the ocean, as I did. He spent many years as an offshore fisherman.

When he wanted me, he wanted me bad. But those were the few and far between times. The times I craved, the times I stored into my memory. The times I built into a story that someday he’d love me and want me like that all the time.

It was a lie I told myself. I loved this guy. I wanted so badly to be wanted by him. He didn’t lie to me, I lied to myself. Still, I didn’t expect him to fuck the prison whore. He broke my heart in a thousand pieces, but still…he still tugs at my heartstrings.

But I won’t see him, or talk to him, for many reasons.

1. He fucked the prison whore. 2. He’ll make me cry. 3. I don’t feel like battling my own emotions.
Most importantly… because I told A, my new guy, I would not.

A, the new guy, is a good guy. He wants me with him as much as possible. He goes out of his way for me. He makes things special for me. He tells me I’m beautiful, he loves me. He tells me the men in my life who didn’t appreciate me were idiots. He holds my hand, he hugs me, he caresses my neck, puts his arm around me, whenever the mood hits, in public or private. He kisses me, all the time. He tells me his secrets, his heartache, his joys. He still loves his wife, who he lost to cancer 8 months ago, but somehow that is a good thing. It doesn’t seem to hinder his emotions now in any way.

I am trying to love him. I mean, I do…in many ways. I want to love him the way I loved S. He makes me happy…He makes me feel so special. Like I am the best thing that ever happened to him. I want to love this man. And it’s early in this relationship, early. We have time, lots of time.

The only drawback to A is that when he sells his house, he will be moving. Across country, eventually to Santa Fe. I could never follow him there. I could never live in the desert. He and I know this. I have known since day one that eventually he will be gone. But I just don’t care, right now. Because right now in this moment, he is teaching me what it is like to have someone really and truly care for me.

I wish I could get S out of my head, and my heart. Despite what he did, and what he doesn’t do, he sits there, tugging. I think I still see that lost little boy, who is just trying to make his way in the world without the unconditional love that a child so craves, and needs. S is still believing that because those people were defective and couldn’t feel love, that he doesn’t deserve it. He still doesn’t believe that’s what he is at his center, no matter who did or didn’t love him in his life.

I guess I just need time, for both things. To put S in the past. And to fully embrace A in the present. So…I’ll not contact S. I will be there with A.

Clarity

Posted on by learning to live like water

Fog_Lake_II_by_BBs_Brushes

What a lovely weekend.

First of all, it didn’t snow! And it wasn’t frigid! I spent Saturday with a friend at a rock and mineral show, looking for things to make jewelry with. Then I spent the evening with my new guy, perusing a used book store, having the best Italian dinner that I’ve had in years, watching a movie. We ran errands together today.

I didn’t think I’d want to spend time with him today, like there might be too much togetherness, but it turned out I was happy to spend more time with him. He makes me feel special, beautiful, cared for. Like no other man in my life has ever done.

I was in his bedroom, there are still pics of he and his wife. He asked me if that bothered me. She only died 8 months ago. I said no, because I feel like she and I are friends, because she came to me in my dream with him. I feel like she’s ok with me being there.

I have buffalo chicken meatballs in the oven, first time I’ve tried to make them. Hope they come out ok.

The confusion of yesterday morning is gone today. Not confused at all. Which is lovely. But I got an email from S today. So I’ll deal with it, sometime. Or I won’t. I don’t know….Like having a case of the hives. If I itch it, it gets worse. If I don’t, it lays dormant and you think it’s gone til you scratch your arm, and the welt shows up again.

My new guy knows about the old guy. I have kept him in the loop, he asks me, “How does what he did make you feel now?” His concern is how I am feeling, not jealousy that it still hurts me. And amazingly, his care and concern, the way he allows me to discuss it with him, brings me closer to him, and farther from the hurt. In the same way, I understand that he still loves his wife. And I’m happy that he does.

So not surprisingly, I was not really happy to see an email from S. He still tugs at my heartstrings. But not in the same way that he was. I am not missing him. I only know he doesn’t understand, and I don’t want to hurt him, bu I don’t want to hurt me either. Yesterday, in an email, he told me I could help him heal, but I won’t. I told him I won’t because the cost is too high for me. I think it’s still too high for me. And I think he needs to find his own center, and make peace with what he did and who he has been, and change going forward. Maybe the next woman that loves him, will be loved in return.

In the meantime, my new guy, I will call him A, and I know there is an end which will come when he moves. It will be sad. But honestly, to have a man, until then, who accepts me completely, who cares for me, who craves me, who is kind, and loving, and sweet…..will help me know what I do want in a man. I will experience it first hand, instead of dreaming about it. And I’ll never ever settle for less again.

The Fog of Confusion

Posted on by learning to live like water
“Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project.”
 – Anne Grant
I am confused this morning.  I have met a man…who is kind, considerate, loving, and wants to be with me.  I like him…a lot.  I have spent a lot of time with him this past week.  But when I lay my head on the pillow last night, I was missing S, and wishing so much that he could have cared for me that way.  And then feeling stupid for not appreciating momentarily what was, and wanting what wasn’t, and will never be.
It came from the fact that S called me and left me a voice mail asking me to talk to him yesterday.  I answered him, by email, and told him I would unblock the email, because I know he had things to say.  But I couldn’t see him or talk to him.
Why?  Why can’t I see him or talk to him?  Because what he did, fucking the prison whore, still hurts me.  I cannot hear his voice, even in a voice mail, without feeling that knife cutting my heart open again.  I could never look into his blue eyes, without melting down in pain.
I know I have to let go of the man, I have let go a great deal.  But of course, he still wants to see me.  He isn’t going to write what he has to say.  I don’t really want to hear what he has to say.  I don’t want him now, when he’s acted to destroy what I thought was something special, to tell me nice things.  He tells me he has nothing bad to say, and that he’ll make me smile.
I don’t want him to make me smile now.  I want him to disappear, so I can forget him, so I can fully appreciate the new man in my life.  The one who wants me, who would never hurt me, who strives to make me happy.
S told me he “needs this” and that I “owe” him.  I told him I owe him nothing.  How could I possibly owe him?  I loved him, while he refused to love me, or admit it.  He fucked the prison whore, not me.  What do I owe him?  He has already taken far more from me than he has given.  He owes me, the peace of mind that I ask for, to leave me alone, to let me go on and forget about him.  To give me enough time for the affection I feel for him to fade.
Confused.  I hope I don’t blow this new opportunity, wishing the past was different than it was.  Stupid, just stupid of me. Maybe it’s just another layer that I need to sit with.  I don’t know.  Confused.
Gonna put on the fog lights and find my way out of this.

Gliding Home to the Music

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s snowing AGAIN. I think I’m getting used to it, because it is not pissing me off so much. Really for a month it has snowed every 3rd day. At first it was like a foot, all the time, sometimes more. Now it’s about 3” or 4”, maybe 6”. But not enough to keep me home, not enough to panic about. Just enough to make me take the long way home, that has no hills, but takes me an hour.

So I sit in my car, put on my music, make sure my water bottle has water in it, and prepare for a long slow drive on the back roads. Every song has a million memories, or provokes a million thoughts. Easy to drift away, as long as I keep my eyes on the road.

Neil Young, Like a Hurricane. “You’re like a hurricane, there is calm in your eyes….” The coolest guitar riff in the middle of that song. Old time rock and roll. “But I’m getting blown away, to somewhere safer where the feeling stays…” Oh, been there. Been there.

Fleetwood Mac, Silver Spring. “Did you say she was pretty? Did you say that she loved you? I don’t wanna know, baby, I don’t wanna know….” Been there too…. “So I began not to love you, turn around and see me running. I’ll say I loved you years ago. I’ll say you never loved me, no…..” Yep. That’s how it was….

Blind Faith, Can’t find My Way Home. “And I’m wasted, and I can’t find my way home.” That could be a whole entry, how many times I have been lost, and looking for way to get back home? Too many…

Van Morrison, Have I told you Lately? Such a beautiful song. Just so beautiful. Still waiting to sing it, and have it sung to me.

David Crosby, Music is Love. It is, isn’t it? Everybody’s sayin it sayin it sayin it.

Van Morrison, Someone Like You. “I’ve been travelin’ a hard road, Had been lookin’ for someone exactly like you, I’ve been carryin my heavy load, Waiting for the light to come shining through.” The eternal search.

Judy Collins, In My Life. This is my favorite Beatles song. And I love Judy Collins clear strong voice singing it. “There are places in my life, I’ll remember all my life, though some have changed. Some forever, not for better, some are gone and some remain. But you know they’ll never be forgotten, the people and things that went before, I know I’ll often stop and think about them, but in my life, I love you more. ” Oh there are so many, so many of those places. The list grows daily.

I could go on and on. Every song is a chapter in the story of my life. I love them all. I could listen to them over and over again. And do, lol.

But that’s the way, I guess, to live like water with another New England snowfall. Just put the music on and glide home.